Wednesday, June 11, 2008

"Let's Do Some Shots!" Part 1

NOTE: Since birth, roughly, I would estimate that I have done somewhere in the neighborhood of nine million shots. Give or take. Here now, the first chapter in an ongoing attempt to recall every single one. Which I realize is sort of an exercise in self-defeat, seeing as how I'm trying to remember the individual varieties of the very things that have most contributed to my Swiss-cheese memory. It's like rain on your wedding day, huh?

Nonetheless, let's get this party started! LET'S DO SOME SHOTS!!!

Tequila - Obviously. With salt and lime or with a beer to chug immediately afterwards or with a big bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats first thing in the morning as an eye-opener before your day shift at the video store, nothing tops the tequila shot for sheer scope and majesty of alcoholic grandeur. Now, granted, too many tequila shots in a row can lead to bad things... felonies, mainly... but that isn't the libation's fault. It's YOUR fault, Mr. or Ms. Can't-Pace-Yourself; this is why you shouldn't learn how to drink on Spring Break. You've got to commit yourself to a year-round study program. It's hard work, sure, but your parents will be SO proud when you get your diploma, so just think about that during those all-nighter cram sessions. (in this scenario, a diploma equals the ability to drink an entire bottle of tequila without stealing a car)

Kamikazes - There was this weird period of my life... like, 2002 to 2004... where every bar that I went to was offering two-for-one Kamikaze shots each and every night and towards the end it SERIOUSLY started to creep me out. Because why Kamikazes? And why every single bar, including the ones that regularly let homeless guys use the bathrooms to take hobo showers and air out their socks? That being said, Kamikaze shots are okay. It's mostly vodka and lime juice with a little bit of triple sec thrown in so girls will drink them and then take their shirts off. I mean, otherwise why would they put it in there (triple sec is pointless)? Anyway, bars in the greater NYC area seem to have finally calmed down with the whole "foisting Kamikazes on the general public" thing, or at least I've stopped noticing it if it's still going on. Still, though... what was that all about? Does the Twilight Zone employ bartenders?

Flaming Lemon Drop - Hey, let's take the concept of doing a shot... a simple, pure action that requires no thought and in return gives only happiness and joy... and make it more complicated than your average college-level physics course, the one that's taught by that one professor with the stutter and the weird accent and you're pretty sure he slips into Russian without really being aware of it and you're going to have to drop the class now because you're an English major anyway and this is just TOO HARD. To make a Flaming Lemon Drop, you have to have like nine different kinds of booze and they all have to be mixed in specific amounts down to the milliliter and THEN you have to pour sugar on a slice of lemon and then burn it with a lighter and the wait until it cools and then suck all the burned sugar off the lemon and THEN AND ONLY THEN can you do the shot, but it's pointless because dawn is breaking and you've got an early-morning Government class in two hours and you should really shower because you smell like burnt hair because SOMEONE got careless with the lighter while trying to assemble your Flaming Lemon Drop. Not worth the hassle, this shot. You need that Government credit to graduate.

The Rob - This was a shot that my friend Rob invented at a party at his girlfriend's apartment. It was basically just a little bit of everything from all the bottles that were lying around, but because of the Butterscotch Schnapps it basically just tasted like a Werther's Original lost it's mind at a frat house and died of alcohol poisoning. Pretty good, though, if you like your shots sweeter than Oompa Loompa sweat.

Everclear - Not recommended. I've only personally done shots of straight Everclear a few times and all I can really remember about those occasions is an odd sensation of becoming unmoored from reality and soaring through different dimensions and meeting God and him giving me a high five and then waking up in my roommate's closet soaking wet and unable to understand simple concepts like shapes or colors. However, floating an inch or so of Everclear on the top of your Gin & Tonic or your Vodka & Coke or what have you leads to a good time dancing on the lawn with your friends, all of you in your underwear or, if you're lucky, EACH OTHER'S underwear. That's called "living life to it's fullest" and the hangovers are totally worth it.


Anonymous wishmewell said...


although somewhat depressing because i want to do shots now but I can't because its 10am and I am at work...lame.

10:05 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

Whiskey makes my clothes fall off.

10:32 AM  
Anonymous Alanis Moristte®™©™ said...


'...It's like rain on your wedding day...'

You'll be hearing from my lawyers, Clinton.

10:34 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Wish... Or CAN you??? Airplane bottles of vodka + cups of coffee + a flagrent disregard for company policy = THE BEST TIME YOU'VE EVER HAD AT THE OFFICE. Of course that's not *technically* doing shots, but you work with what you've got.

Lioux... Join the club, kiddo. I can't even tell you how many bars I've been booted from for whiskey-related streakings.

Alanis... Oh, go blow Dave Coulier in a theater, why dontcha?!?!

10:42 AM  
Blogger Todd said...

This is the best idea for an ongoing blogging series ever.

10:51 AM  
Anonymous Alanis Moristte®™©™ said...

( : O

11:40 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Todd... Thanks! I came up with it while doing shots this morning on the N train.

Alanis... Parenthesis colon zero? Alanis, you make no sense.

11:48 AM  
Anonymous Bon Jovi®™©™ said...

I invented the Shot Through The Heart.

It's like a Piece Of Ass, only served with a little paper umbrella.

11:55 AM  
Anonymous wishmewell said...

have you ever come across devils springs?
as far as I can tell its only in NY, and maybe new jersey.

it says on the bottle to not take shots of it...oops.

1:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shots of Tequila make my wife bite people. Me, her friends, that stranger at the end of the bar who looked at her funny. Good times.

1:55 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Mr. Jovi... GROSS! I can't handle anything with amaretto in it. Too disgusting for words.

Wish... I've seen that, but I've never tried it. Will have to correct that, perhaps on-camera... you know... so the coroner with have some evidence to work with.

Harry... Your wife sounds like fun!

1:59 PM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

There are so many reasons why I don't do shots anymore.

2:19 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

I know, I've seen the videos. Nice tattoos!

2:27 PM  
Anonymous wishmewell said...

last time u inspired me to listen to weezer

today it was to get drunk at lunch

thank you!

3:51 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

No problem! It always pleases me to know that I've aided in leading someone down the path to A) overlooked indie-pop and/or B) drunken workplace shenangigens.

3:58 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

I forget what it is, but if you add one more liquor to a Flaming Lemon Drop, it ends up tasting like chocolate cake when you eat the lemon.

You ever partake of Mind Erasers?

It was a ritual after we finished bartending for the night that we all did a tumbler sized Mind Eraser.

Sound wussy, but since you have to drink it all in one fell swoop, it made cashing out at night a lot more fun.

5:34 PM  

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