Sunday, June 08, 2008

A Brief Word On The Heat...

We are currently living inside a bottle of Tabasco sauce on fire in Satan's efficiency apartment located in beautiful, downtown Death Valley during the part of the Apocalypse where the Sun explodes all over everyone like a can of soup that's been boiled unopened on a dorm room hot plate during Summer classes.

It's hot, I tell ya!

And how is it where you're living, you son of a bitch? Nice? Is it sooooo nice? Could the weather simply not be better? You're outside in your tennis whites, sipping a mojito and enjoying a nice game of tag on the front lawn? You're letting the breeze play with your hair and you're not sweating so much your body looks like a system of fjords? God, I hate you. So much. You're just awful. I hope you know that? I hope you spill BBQ sauce on pretty shirt and the stain won't come out and you're laughed out of the country club, you hateful millionaire. DIE!!! DIE!!! Die... die...

Okay. Sorry. Sorry about that, everyone! It's just... christ... it's so hot here, you guys. It's like a million degrees times forever. I really can't stand being all Mr. Complainy Blog but... fucking spread-eagled hell... it's just miserable. I'm miserable. I've taken THREE showers today! Cold ones. VERY cold ones. And as soon as I step out, it's right back to the three-bedroom bonfire.

My kingdom, such as it is, for a sno-cone machine or two tickets to wherever the fuck it's cold right now. Does anyone know the Baby Jesus? Somebody help me get an audience with the Baby Jesus!!!

He can grant wishes!!! And I've got a motherfucking wish for him!!!

(I want it less hot; that's my wish)


Blogger stew said...

two words, baby: Texas. Summer. Hot.

ok that was three words but seriously I can't count, it's hot so very freaking hot so melty melty melty hot oh god we're all going to bake onto the ever-loving rocks and the carrion birds that are circling, circling, endlessly, dizzily circling will pick at us like we're a sizzling fajita platter.

so. hot.

need. Shiner.

8:18 PM  
Anonymous Scott H. said...

Yeah dude... really? Sorry... I have a really hard time feeling bad for you. In fact I'd come up there and smack you for comlaining... but 92 degrees??? I don't even know where my jacket is!

11:39 PM  
Anonymous J. said...

That's fabulous. It's been in the low 40s and raining for weeks now and just when the delicious mid-70s pay off weather starts, I have to take off for the kiln that used to be the East Coast. I have 24 hours of flying ahead of me just so I can sweat my balls off. At least there will be wonderful, non-Japanese beer.

3:19 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Stew & Scott... I lived in Texas for 22 years, so believe me, I know what the heat there is like. HOWEVER, I also know that in Texas, everyone has central air conditioning. Here in New York... not so much. Thus, NO SYMPATHY!!! Also, homeless people in New York will attack you with blowtorches. True!!!

(not true)

J... Gah. I can *barely* handle 4 hours on a plane, much less 24. Please tell me you have a large quantity of Valium to down at regular intervals. Also, the East Coast welcomes you! Try the Yuengling.

8:13 AM  
Blogger Todd said...

Sweating as you step out of the shower is all kinds of awesome.

8:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Um, you know it was only in the 90s right? It's going to get a hell of a lot hotter before the summer's out? This weekend wasn't really all that bad?

:-) Cheers!


9:06 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Todd... Agreed. It's my favorite thing.

Phoenix... On what planet was this weekend "not all that bad?" Okay, MAYBE Mercury. Monster humidity, temps in the nineties, no A/C... I don't know, that's pretty much how I define miserable.

10:01 AM  
Blogger stew said...

yeah, ok, I remember my years in New York and how the only thing more disgusting than walking along a crowded avenue sweating and hoping a piano falls on you so you can go ahead and die already is then walking above a subway grate and smelling free-range pee-soaked toxic stench that is so strong you think it has a literal physical shape and it hits you like a Louisville Slugger in a big wave. I do not miss that.

Off to play tennis in the 90 degree Texas midday heat! Woot!

2:15 PM  
Blogger Quin Browne said...

the baby jesus is pissed off because he found out his mom really wanted a girl.

i'd not bother him right now.

12:14 AM  

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