Friday, June 06, 2008

Friday Morning Hodgepodge

Ugh. Seriously... ugh.

It's been about twelve hours since I consumed roughly 2,000,000 ounces of meat and I still feel like a hippo that ate a beanbag chair made out of every animal in the world. Every square inch of my body's interior is packed with meat. I'm afraid to sneeze, lest my computer monitor get knocked off the table by the force of an expelled sausage. My sweat is greasy, my burps are plant-killing, my belly is distended like a famine baby's.

In other words, we had a lovely time at the Temple of Meat.

All in all, we ate 10 different kinds of meat: Short ribs, Long ribs, BBQ pork ribs, Sausage, Top sirloin, Prime rib, Chicken legs, Beef tenderloin wrapped in bacon, Turkey wrapped in bacon, and Lamb. They were all delicious, save for the lamb, which was WAY too salty and a bit overcooked. Otherwise, top notch. The trio of ribs, in particular, were spot fucking on. Oh, and there were a bunch of first course things too... shrimp cocktails and sushi for some reason and a cheesy, tomato-y risotto (that Girlfriend LOVED) and some sort of potato/ham alliance that tasted like a hug from my dead grandmother, but not like horror-movie style; like in a warm, sepia-colored memory. Good stuff.

The one bummer, though, was that all of the meats listed on their menu were not available... or at least they weren't available during the time we were there. No suckling pig, no baby beef, and NO CHICKEN HEARTS, which I was really looking forward to trying because I'm gross and kind of a monster.

But whatever. Overall it was a fun, tasty experience from which my gastrointestinal system may never recover. Which I believe is the very definition of a night well spent.

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Speaking of meats... alert, well-groomed commenter Cray sent in a link that tells the tale of the product that will eventually claim more lives than drunk driving and toddlers playing with handguns combined. Kids, from the bottom of our fatty, clogged hearts, we give you... canned bacon.

Oh yes. Bacon... that's been canned... ready for you to plop in a pot of boiling water over a campfire and boil it straight to hell.

Then you're supposed to eat it, I guess, although that seems like a really bad idea. Unless you like Tokyo Fountain-inducing bouts of food poisoning. And if that's the case, hey, by all means dig in to some canned, boiled bacon that looks like something Leatherface would throw on for a lazy Sunday on the couch. Just, you know, when you're jetting like a fire hose from both ends, don't say I didn't warn your stupid ass.

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I've actually run out of meat-related topics to discuss, so let's now turn our attention to Iron Man, which I will finally be seeing this afternoon. I've heard good things, and this worries me. I've talked to some people that have said this is the best. Super hero. Movie. Ever. And when they said this, they were gripping my arm and there was this look in their eyes that frankly scared me a little bit. It was like talking to people who just found religion and now can't have a conversation about, say, the latest episode of Top Chef without somehow bringing it all back around to Jesus and his sweet, sweet majesty or whatever.

This, of course, has lead me to believe that Iron Man is Jesus. And if the movie delivers me anything less than absolute salvation, I'm going to demand my money back. I want to be SAVED, people!!! Tony Stark, I am blind... MAKE ME SEE AGAIN!!!

So I'll let you know how that goes.

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Oh, and, since Top Chef got mentioned and all... Whoo, that Lisa is a piece of shit, huh? I know it's a reality show and thus I really shouldn't care about it more than the current Presidential election but I totally do and my blood was BOILING on Wednesday when she was all, "Aren't any of you going to congratulate me for not losing?" I would have smacked her in the mouth with a spatula made of bombs.

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Anyway, I guess that's it for now. Might post something else later, might not... I'm off work today, thanks to my company's Summer Friday policy, and so I think... until it's time to go see Iron Savior... I'm just going to kick back, take it easy, and really focus on digesting all this fucking meat. Should be done by next week, on the outside.

16 Comments:

Blogger John Barleycorn said...

Iron Man is good, but nothing beats X-Men 2 as the best superhero movie ever.

10:29 AM  
Anonymous Scott H. said...

"What do you want us to say? Congratulations... you won the bronze medal... Great Job!"-- Richard

Genius.

Seriously though... how is she still on that show... has she even won a single competition?

10:33 AM  
Anonymous lengli said...

I swear to God, the fact that Lisa is still on this show - well, let's just say that I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

However, I'm totally excited that the previews for next week show Blais getting sassy and potentially calling her out!! And how exciting was it to see that in the Bravo text message poll, 91% of voters wanted her off the show? It's time for justice, friends.

10:36 AM  
Anonymous JustinS said...

X-Men 2? Seriously? Wow...

Iron Man is great. Loved it. But the thing is, I would have still dug it if it had just been called "Tony Stark" and was 90-120 minutes of Robert Downey Jr workin' it.

And clearly, the best super hero movie ever was The Guyver.

10:55 AM  
Anonymous Amie said...

It may make me a monster, too, but I absolutely LOVE chicken hearts and (it makes most people gag to her it) gizzards. Just not the liver. Then again, I grew up in the south, and it's pretty common to eat all the parts down there.

10:58 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

John... I only saw X2 once, but I remember really liking it. For best ever, though, I'd probably have to go with Spiderman (because of Willem Defoe) or Batman Begins (because obviously).

Scott... She one 1 time, for something with bacon. BUT.. she's been in the bottom three SEVEN times. And she has a shitty attitude. She should have been eliminated early on and I don't just mean "cut from the show." I mean "run over by a car."

Lengli... Totally. As much as I like Stephanie, there's just something about Richard that I really dig. He seems like a classy guy.

Justin... The Guyver. Wow, dude... that's a reference pulled out of my 11 Year Old "Things That Are Awesome" Storage Facility. Nicely done.

Amie... Dude, I am so with you on the chicken gizzards. My dad and I used to get them from Grandy's all the time.

(bonus points if anyone besides me has ever actually eaten at a Grandy's... those biscuits were like baked heaven...)

11:03 AM  
Blogger Todd said...

Never had Grandy's, but Bob Evan's made a killer sausage gravy that was good with biscuits. Does that count?

11:13 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Seeing as how I've never eaten at a Bob Evans, no... it does not count.

(although it sounds delicious)

11:19 AM  
Anonymous Scott H. said...

Sweet... I get bonus points!

12:00 PM  
Anonymous Scott H. said...

BTW... As much as Dale seemed like a total prickface, he was way more talented and, based on talent alone, would be great to watch in the final three with Richard and Stephanie.

12:02 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Scott... Is Grandy's even around anymore? I don't remember seeing any last time I was home.

Also, yeah, Dale was douche but was way more talented than Lisa. Antonia was too, though.

12:09 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

I'll bring you some back from Ohio. That'll get me bonus points for sure!

4:07 PM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

Grandys is on the corner of University and 34th street in Gainesville and I partake in the chicken and the biscuits on a regular type basis. So when I woke up this morning I had no idea I would be getting bonus points today!! I just wish I would have worn a tie.

4:16 PM  
Blogger Cray said...

Yes, there is still a Grandy's in South Arlington, across from the new Temple of Retail. Although, I guess they either don't pay for sign repairs or got bought out. When lit, their sign reads "andy's". I don't know who andy is, but I guess he's bringing the biscuits.

BTW, I think we closed down the other one close to AHS during my tenure there by overusing their generous all-you-can-eat chicken fried steak lunch special. Probably soy beef, I salute you.

6:39 PM  
Blogger DrunkBrunch said...

I'm attending a wedding in Manhattan next weekend, and the original plan was for us to go to a Brazilian steakhouse afterward.

The bride changed the venue to some stupid Italian restaurant. Am I a bad person for not wanting to the wedding anymore?

12:52 AM  
Blogger Quin Browne said...

chicken hearts are great, as are gizzards...


lisa should be baked in a pie.


jus' saying.

1:43 AM  

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