Friday Morning Hodgepodge

Ugh. Seriously... ugh.

It's been about twelve hours since I consumed roughly 2,000,000 ounces of meat and I still feel like a hippo that ate a beanbag chair made out of every animal in the world. Every square inch of my body's interior is packed with meat. I'm afraid to sneeze, lest my computer monitor get knocked off the table by the force of an expelled sausage. My sweat is greasy, my burps are plant-killing, my belly is distended like a famine baby's.

In other words, we had a lovely time at the Temple of Meat.

All in all, we ate 10 different kinds of meat: Short ribs, Long ribs, BBQ pork ribs, Sausage, Top sirloin, Prime rib, Chicken legs, Beef tenderloin wrapped in bacon, Turkey wrapped in bacon, and Lamb. They were all delicious, save for the lamb, which was WAY too salty and a bit overcooked. Otherwise, top notch. The trio of ribs, in particular, were spot fucking on. Oh, and there were a bunch of first course things too... shrimp cocktails and sushi for some reason and a cheesy, tomato-y risotto (that Girlfriend LOVED) and some sort of potato/ham alliance that tasted like a hug from my dead grandmother, but not like horror-movie style; like in a warm, sepia-colored memory. Good stuff.

The one bummer, though, was that all of the meats listed on their menu were not available... or at least they weren't available during the time we were there. No suckling pig, no baby beef, and NO CHICKEN HEARTS, which I was really looking forward to trying because I'm gross and kind of a monster.

But whatever. Overall it was a fun, tasty experience from which my gastrointestinal system may never recover. Which I believe is the very definition of a night well spent.

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Speaking of meats... alert, well-groomed commenter Cray sent in a link that tells the tale of the product that will eventually claim more lives than drunk driving and toddlers playing with handguns combined. Kids, from the bottom of our fatty, clogged hearts, we give you... canned bacon.

Oh yes. Bacon... that's been canned... ready for you to plop in a pot of boiling water over a campfire and boil it straight to hell.

Then you're supposed to eat it, I guess, although that seems like a really bad idea. Unless you like Tokyo Fountain-inducing bouts of food poisoning. And if that's the case, hey, by all means dig in to some canned, boiled bacon that looks like something Leatherface would throw on for a lazy Sunday on the couch. Just, you know, when you're jetting like a fire hose from both ends, don't say I didn't warn your stupid ass.

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I've actually run out of meat-related topics to discuss, so let's now turn our attention to Iron Man, which I will finally be seeing this afternoon. I've heard good things, and this worries me. I've talked to some people that have said this is the best. Super hero. Movie. Ever. And when they said this, they were gripping my arm and there was this look in their eyes that frankly scared me a little bit. It was like talking to people who just found religion and now can't have a conversation about, say, the latest episode of Top Chef without somehow bringing it all back around to Jesus and his sweet, sweet majesty or whatever.

This, of course, has lead me to believe that Iron Man is Jesus. And if the movie delivers me anything less than absolute salvation, I'm going to demand my money back. I want to be SAVED, people!!! Tony Stark, I am blind... MAKE ME SEE AGAIN!!!

So I'll let you know how that goes.

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Oh, and, since Top Chef got mentioned and all... Whoo, that Lisa is a piece of shit, huh? I know it's a reality show and thus I really shouldn't care about it more than the current Presidential election but I totally do and my blood was BOILING on Wednesday when she was all, "Aren't any of you going to congratulate me for not losing?" I would have smacked her in the mouth with a spatula made of bombs.

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Anyway, I guess that's it for now. Might post something else later, might not... I'm off work today, thanks to my company's Summer Friday policy, and so I think... until it's time to go see Iron Savior... I'm just going to kick back, take it easy, and really focus on digesting all this fucking meat. Should be done by next week, on the outside.