Monday, June 02, 2008

Pants: A Pictorial

Khaki Pants

I'm not going to let the fact that I'm currently wearing khaki pants curtail or censor my hatred for men who wear khaki pants. Even if it means that I must roast myself over the fire (metaphorically, of course; we're just talking about pants here), then that's just the way it has to be. Because, the world needs to know: Men who wear khaki pants are just the worst sorts of people out there. Just awful. They're the "hip" businessmen who think suits are for their Dads or they're frat guys going to an awards banquet or they're shitty teenagers who're being forced to go to church with their grandparents because they got busted with a joint behind the gym. Men who wear khaki pants know where to purchase Rohypnol. They know when Nickleback is coming into town next. They know evil, because they know themselves.

That being said, khaki pants are extremely comfortable, particularly if you are what's known in most medical journals as a "fatty fatty fat fat," which is why I'm wearing them currently. I'm the exception that proves the rule, in other words. Men who wear khakis are all terrible people EXCEPT for me. (and truthfully, I ain't that great either)

Pants With a Lot of Bullshit On Them

Come the fuck on. You've got straps and zippers and buckles and clasps and key rings and a little magnifying glass and a toothpick and a fish scaler... these pants redefine the concept of "unnecessary" for the new millennium. Pants should be sewn-together bits of cloth that you wear to cover your shame, and that's it; they shouldn't be more complicated than the dashboard of a 747. And what's worse? What's grosser? These are, I believe, technically known as "bondage pants." Fucking ew. I mean, okay, whatever, if you're into bondage and all the assorted weirdness that goes along with that particular lifestyle then... you know... fine. Your bedroom, your rules, long as everyone involved doesn't get too litigious. But for the love of all our gag reflexes, keep it to yourself, you loony toon. Don't buy clothes that announce your peccadilloes to the world; self-obsession isn't going to get you laid, and clearly that's you're goal, given your choice in pants. Leave a little mystery, folks.

Oh, and if you ARE using your "bondage pants" during the actual act of sex, for fuck's sake... and I can't stress this enough... wash them after each use. No one wants to catch a whiff of the stale tobacco, astroglide, scented candle, strawberry latex, came-to-soon gravy you've been stewing in for the last three days, you unfortunate son of a bitch.

Wacky Pants

My first reaction to these pants was, obviously, to see if my eyeballs would pop like cherry tomatoes if I jabbed them with a pair of high-quality, office scissors. But then, right before I struck the first blow, I had a revelation: These pants, offensive to those with sight as they may be, are also the most awesome thing on the planet that you wear below your waist (excluding kilts, of course; kilts are the tip-top of the mountain mainly because they really let your junk breathe). But why, C-dog? What's so good about these orange and blue abominations? Well, it's like this: The world, in case you hadn't noticed, is pants boring. Everyone is basically wearing one of three things... the khakis I mentioned earlier, blue jeans (snore), or dark suit pants if you're a CEO or attending the funeral of a loved one. I mean, sure, there's tuxedo pants and shorts and other variables like that but... by and large... it's just the three; the Triumvirate of Dullness. It's all you see. It's pants boring.

Then, POW, some wiggly little dude with interesting hair and a degree in Art History comes a-struttin' into the room wearing these like a licence to kill and suddenly the small gathering of your friends turns into this thing you may have once seen in an 80s teen comedy called "A PARTY" and the night is yours and the roof blows off and everyone is dancing in unison and liquor arcs through the air like a fun fountain from your dreams. Yes, these pants are obnoxious. But sometimes it takes a little gasoline to burn this motherfucker down, if you follow my line of logic.

Cargo Pants

Pants with extra pockets were invented by the military to carry extra ammo and rations and a hundred other things that our men and women might possibly need while out in the wild, defending the USA from evil, terrorists, commies, the threat of reefer madness, etc. They were made for a specific purpose, courtesy of Uncle Sam, and they served that purpose well.

And, what, you're using that idea to haul around a paperback and a mix CD you made for Jane that really tells her how you feel, but isn't too obvious because you don't want to come off as creepy even though you think about her like all the time? You can't throw those things in a bag like a normal person, or at least cram them into the perfectly-fine pockets that come standard on an average pair of pants? You need extra pockets, huh? Ones were you can keep all your valuables (a pack of gum, wadded up Kleenex, condoms in case Jane REALLY likes the mix CD) pressed close to your hairy, probably-sweaty leg?

You suck, dude. Everyone in the military is laughing at you and what basically amounts to a purse that you're wearing on your lower half.

Hammer Pants

Great if you're a rap sensation in the early 90s. But you know what else they're great for? A cheap laugh for the end of blog posts written by lazy writers who are still waiting for the caffeine to kick in. They're perfect for that. They are also 2 legit 2 quit.

Remember? Remember that song? That MC Hammer sang and it was kind of silly? Yeah, you remember it. Jesus Christ, I am so fucking good at blog writing...


Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

Clinton you are a regular Bloggy mc Blogger sporting up some rap baggy pants at the end to kind of save the day. Its Jeans, and slacks for me, from now on because I did not realize how Evil I was when I wore Khakis... thanks for the heads up.

10:34 AM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

Look even in my picture on the side over here, Pants wearing bill with his Jeans, his pose with the one leg stepping up, high up on Florida Field and his blue button down shirt-- on my gravestone they will put, "he used to wear pants, then he died"

10:36 AM  
Blogger surviving myself said...

That's why you keep the slow jams like "Love Hurts" separated by the rocking jams like "My Friend of Misery" and the introspective jams like "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong."

So Jane has no idea what you really mean unless she really does love you.

Though my above choices may not be the best for getting that desired date.

10:58 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Bill 1... It's okay, a lot of people know not what they do with regards to khakis. And also, a lot of us that DO know what we do don't care. They're a comfy sort of evil.

Bill 2... I can't think of a better epitaph than that.

Surviving... Little Miss Can't Be Wrong isn't a great choice for mixtape-inspired lovin', though it is a great song in general. Actually, "great" is probably too strong a word for anything involving The Spin Doctors, but you know what I mean.

11:01 AM  
Blogger Quin Browne said...

i saw a woman wearing the wacky pants in shades of pink and yellow and green. with orange sandals. yeah.

as far as the rest of your amazing post, clinton, well.....

....can't touch that!

11:08 AM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

and after jane's all done listening to "mr. cargo pants" mix cd, jane up and and fucks the neighbor because he's a "bad boy" and "mr. cargo mcdouchepants" is just a friend who really understands her but she just can't see herself with cuz they're just....

wait for it....

good friends!

fucking pants!

11:43 AM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

...and you forgot "mr. big baggy hip-hop pants worn waaaaay below the ass and more around the ankles" dude!

11:48 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Quin... It's actually not illegal to hit people wearing pants like that with your shoe or purse or car. It's true! (not true)

Jason 1... Jane lies. With her eyes.

Jason 2... Those pants are clearly meant as jokes and thus are not worthy of our attention.

12:17 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Jesus Christ, I am so fucking good at blog writing...

Fucking right you are! High five!

1:53 PM  
Anonymous JustinS said...

If I don't wear my khaki pants, how will I cover my He-Man underoos?

3:04 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Todd... High five emphatically returned!

Justin... Wear your He-Man underoos with pride, my man. You'll get arrested for indecent exposure, sure, but you'll have been true to yourself. And that's more important than some old police record or whatever.

3:23 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

So what do you have to say about blue Madras pants?


3:49 PM  
Blogger stew said...

this blog post was like a mix tape! and the MC Hammer ending was like ka-POW! That we, indeed, can't touch.

Bill, when you die, we will raise a pair of Dockers to half-mast. Except we'll all be dead, too. But since you will be dead, you won't really notice that we're not doing it.

PS I am wearing pants almost exactly like the wacky pants except mine are black and white and grey and I hate myself now. I'm gonna go buy Hammer Pants.

3:52 PM  
Anonymous JustinS said...

Portland hipsters can find a way to fuck up even a good pair of jeans, by the way:

Took that during lunch today. Picture doesn't really relay the douche factor the way seeing him in person did.

4:19 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Big Daddy... Those, I have no problem with. They're flashy and comfortable and don't really speak to larger social issues.

Stew... You will look AWESOME in your Hammer pants. I expect pictures!!!

Justin... Gross. You should have gone up and kicked him in his exposed hamstrings.

4:49 PM  
Blogger "said" Woman said...

"Pants with a lot of bullshit on them = Come the fuck on."


6:23 PM  
Blogger SARAHSPY said...

haha you ARE good at blog writing. that was a good one! :)

9:57 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Woman... Thanks! Can you believe those pants, though? Seriously. I want to see a guy wearing those get one of the straps caught in a moving bus. That would please me.

Sarah... And thanks! It's nice to have my talents lie in the realm of the unemployable.

10:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are to be hajkai'ed for saying such a thing about Khakis, Charlottian!

12:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Charlottian, if you can read Tagalog:,gterjadkakiye,comment_0809_01


1. I hate KHAKI JEANS.
2. I hate WACKY PANTS.

3:37 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home