Thursday, May 29, 2008

Movie Poster A Go-Go


I was all excited because FINALLY someone has made a movie about the obscure sexual fetish that involves giant men swallowing tiny women, but then I saw that it was from the author of Fight Club so I got bummed because that means the giant man and the tiny women will end up being the same person and that's not part of the fetish AT ALL. Then somebody told me that the movie isn't about that, not even a little bit. And it's like, whatever, movie poster designers. Whatever. Way to get my literal-minded hopes up, sons of bitches.

The Foot Fist Way

When did filmmakers decide it was okay to replace "actually being funny" with "just being ironic." I mean, I have nothing against irony as a general rule... having an ironic detachment from the world is basically the only reason I got laid in college... but when you're making a comedy and it's one you hope people will actually pay money to see, it'd be nice if it actually had a few laughs in it as opposed to just a bunch of moments where the audience collectively goes, "Oh, I see what you're doing there... his glasses are large and his haircut is weird, yet he takes himself seriously. That's... something blah something shrug and shrug." Movies like The Foot Fist Way are what Napoleon Dynamite hath wrought. Then again, I tend to blame all the bad things in the world... tragic floods, the death of loved ones, the never-ending war in Iraq... on the fact that a movie like Napoleon Dynamite exists and is popular, so maybe I'm not being entirely fair. To The Foot Fist Way, I mean. I'm being entirely fair to Napoleon Dynamite. Because it is just awful.

The Informers

I love posters that tell you everything you need to know about the movie that's being advertised, thus saving you the trouble of having to actually check the flick out for yourself. The people of LA are beautiful, polished blanks that are dead and empty on the inside... just like a statue. Also the statue is bright white, just like cocaine, which is basically a supporting character here. Gotcha, on all points. Like, I know it's based on a Bret Easton Ellis novel so DOYE that's what it's about (that's what all his books are about, to one degree or another) but it's totally helpful to have it laid out like that in visual metaphor so obvious, the blind are going, "God, I get it, I get it. Also, where am I? I'm frightened by all the noise!"

Donkey Punch

Hey now!!! What the hell is this little firecracker of a film? All bloody speedboat motor on a stark white background with the bold text title all up in your grill like an angry carjacker! Love it. I'm going to Google this motherfucker and see what's the what. Be right back.

Okay, it's about a bunch of people on a boat and one of them dies, then everyone freaks out and there's in-fighting and junk while they try to figure out what to do. Hm. That's... not as exciting as I'd hoped. Given the title, which is a reference to a mean thing to do in bed, plus the gory motor... I don't know, I was looking for something a little more EXTREEEEEME than a Lifeboat retread that's been mixed up with Very Bad Things. Ah well. Great poster, though.

The Mummy 3

Um, sorry. Anyway yeah, why? I mean obviously it's because Brendan Fraser needs to make a house payment or something, but why would a major studio want to get involved? Like, the first Mummy was okay in a rejected-Indiana-Jones-script kind of way, but the sequel sucked ballsack and adding on a third one to the series is kind of like trying to unclog a toilet by filling it with cement. No amount of Jet Li jumping around kicking things will convince me that this is anything other than the product of a favor that an executive owed Brenden Fraser for keeping his mouth shut during a date rape trial.


Blogger Lioux said...


They REMADE 'Choke', 'Foot Fist Way' and 'Donkey Punch'!!!

Those are 3 of my personal favourite DVDs!

When did gay fetish porn become so mainstream?!

10:24 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Only the finest from Falcon Studios...

10:53 AM  
Blogger surviving myself said...

I hear Bin Laden has a cameo in Mummy 3. He plays a guy who runs a juice cart.

11:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank God! I thought I was the only one who felt that Napoleon Dynamite sucked midget tranny balls. It feels good not to be alone.

2:28 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

There's nothing good about what that movie is or what that movie does. It is the anti-everything. Not to overstate my case or anything.

3:01 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Donkeypunch isn't about sex? That's soooooo false advertising!

12:25 AM  

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