Here's A Picture Of Some Official Hello Kitty-Related Business

Discussion Topics

-So apparently the Japanese have named Hello Kitty... an entity, I should point out, that isn't technically real... an official ambassador for their country's tourism industry. This is further proof that something very, very wrong is happening on the other side of the world. If this continues unchecked, soon they'll have Godzilla installed as the Minister of Defense, Akira will be appointed the Head of Transportation, and all three original Iron Chefs will be proclaimed the Triumvirate of Deliciousness, which I guess wouldn't be such a bad thing when you consider all the nifty tricks they do with unusual fish. Oh and I guess they get the tie-breaker vote in Parliament seeing as how they're the only ones that aren't fictional (well sort of). Anyway, I guess my point is... who would like to volunteer to go over there and run some tests on the nation's water supply? Airfare and accommodations are not included; what do I look like, a bank? (no fat jokes, buttface)

-When I was an unruly youth, the Sanrio Store in the Parks Mall in Arlington, TX, was the ultimate test of one's shoplifting ability. Actually, it wasn't that stealing the oddly soft gum or shitty, bright pink school supplies was all that hard. It was the fact that, if caught, you'd be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. The people that ran the Sanrio Store were fucking psychos. Mad with power, protective of their Hello Kitty-emblazoned goods like a mama bear watching over her cubs, and most likely keeping the North Texas coke dealers in new Adidas and track suits... one got the impression that, should the firing squad suddenly become an acceptable punishment for the five-finger discount, the Sanrio Store management team would be the first to arrive at the killing fields with a fresh box of bullets and a smile as wide as their hearts were cold. This, of course, made the challenge of boosting their wares all the more fraught with excitement and danger... catnip to teens, obviously. Happy to say I was never pinched for my (numerous) offenses, though I had friends who went up the river a time or two and thus must forever carry on their permanent records the shame of stealing candy featuring the visage of a cartoon cat.

-There's something about a kimono that makes me think, "You know, if I bought a kimono and told no one and only wore it when Girlfriend was out of the apartment and kept the curtains closed... yeah, I bet that would be really fucking comfortable, particularly if it were made of silk and I was extremely nude." Oh, sorry, I'll give you a minute to vomit profusely and consider suicide (remember: slice up the arm, not across the wrist).

-Dude in the suit up there... that is, according the Yahoo caption, Land, Infrastructure, Transport and Tourism Minister Tetsuzo Fuyushiba. I bet he worked really hard to earn this respected, vaunted position. Like, busted his ass for The Man and got good grades in school and punked out on his family again and again just to get a toe-hold on the steep mountain of Japanese politics and... give the fucker this... he's held on for dear life, gripping said highly-coveted position in his teeth like a Bowie knife, ready to take on all comers in the great bar fight that is international government. That being the case, it's got to be depressing as all hell to find out that part of your job is to pose with a hot, sweaty dude in a foam cat costume and look like you're really enjoying the shit out of the moment. He's probably wishing he'd done more keg stands in college or at least let his hair down and took a night off to play cards with friends or go dancing at a club. This, people, is why I don't work hard at anything ever. I may be unsuccessful at everything, but at least I've enjoyed myself.