Monday, May 19, 2008

Hanging On To Fame, or, "Keep Beating The Horse... It Might Not Be Dead Yet!!!"

Well, as you can imagine, this has been quite an exhilarating day for me... I have found fame. Granted, it is fame at it's weakest and most unprofitable, but that's not the point. The point is this: Now is the time for me to capitalize! To turn this, "Oh... hey... it's that guy" molehill into a mountain of "Oh my god, it's Clinton Davis... eater of Ramen... stander-in of kitchens... handsomest man to ever be fat on the Internet! What's he doing at this fabulous Hollywood party?!?! Besides stuffing his pockets with appetizers, I mean."

This is my shot, kiddos... the one-in-a-million chance that everyone waits for, but so few ever get. And it's mine! ALL MINE!!! My God, I can already taste the power, as well as the mini-quiches and chicken satay kabobs.

So here's my plan:

NOTE: I'm starting to feel kind of dirty, but I *totally* showered this morning. Hm... wonder what that's all about?

Phase 1

- Gather up all the copies of my AM New York that I can get my hands on. Stockpile them. Horde them. I'm going to have to start handing them out as soon as the memory of today's triumph begins to fade. Around Wednesday, or so.

- Get a T-shirt with my cover photo silk-screened on the front AND the back. Never stop wearing it. It may get smelly, but that's the price of fame. Also, I can't afford to have more than one made. Not pulling down any bank off this enterprise as of yet.

- Always be eating Ramen. That's the key here... gotta keep my skills fresh in everyone's mind. I'll probably get sick of eating it all the time, but that's just tough. Maroon 5 gets sick of signing that one crappy song of their's ad nauseum, but I'm sure they're comforted by their millions of dollars and backstage whores with good drug connections. And so too will I be comforted. I assume.

Now, we move into...

Phase 2

- Once I'm established as a fixture of the NYC pop cultural landscape (which I anticipate happening by the end of the week), it's time to put out a rap video. A hit rap video, I should say... nothing too underground or edgy or with too many words. Something with mass appeal. I'm thinking of a song like Lil' Mama's "Lip Gloss," but about eating cheaply and never going outside. In the video, I'll display my natural talent at dancing The Harlem Shake, which is both an awesome display of "moves" as well as funny enough to appear on America's Funniest Home Videos. The whole thing will go over HUGE with the YouTube crowd and I'll soon be popping up regularly on the Internet's best video viewing sites. Viral marketing at it's finest.

- Next, I'll pepper a few personal appearances around the city. Setting up a card table outside a few liquor stores should be all I need to do. Maybe I'll get a megaphone. Oooh, and a clown! It'll be like a street party, but without permits and no music (except for my rap single, of course). And I'll charge for my autograph; $20 a pop. $30 if they want me to make eye contact with them. $40 if they want me to not write swear words on their face with a Sharpie. So going to clean up with this.


Phase 3

- Now that I've secured a foothold into the industry, it's time for some TV guest spots! Who wants to see C-dog play a grieving husband with nothing left to lose on Law & Order? Every fucking person in the United States, that's who!!! I'll follow that up with a turn on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit as a grieving boyfriend with nothing left to lose, and then maybe I'll take a turn on Law & Order: Criminal Intent as a grieving father with something left to lose (for variety's sake). If there's time in my busy schedule, I'll play a corpse who gets CSIed on CSI: New York. As long as there's lots of flashbacks for me to show off my acting chops. Of which I'm sure I have plenty.

- I bet I can get booked on that Rachael Ray talk show or cooking show or whatever the hell it is that she does. She strikes me as the type that probably wouldn't lock her dressing room door, so stealing her wallet should be a snap. That's at least an extra $60 right there.

- If I really play my cards right, I can score a guest-judge slot on the new season of Project Runway. I know plenty about fashion and shit, so it'll be great. Besides, I'll have been wearing my AM New York cover T-shirt for so long, it'll have reached "icon" status by then.

And finally...

Phase 4

- Movies, movies, movies!!! I'll do some more guest appearances at local movie theaters! I bet I could get people to buy me a ticket, too, what with me being famous and all. Still haven't seen Iron Man yet... hint, hint...

- And after that, I guess I'll just let the fame wave take me where it will. Maybe it'll be a quirky indie comedy with lots of gratuitous nudity, maybe it'll be a reality show where I have to live in a house with a bunch of dancers who are also master chefs. And maybe it'll all burn out in a hellish fireball car crash on the Jersey Turnpike after a night out at the strip clubs.

Doesn't matter, really. Because I'm famous. And that's forever. As is my understanding.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

If I had boobs, I'd totally pay to have you sign them now.

2:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


My people think it would be great PR if we were spotted together on the town with each other tonight.

Just make sure you're not wearing any panties.

Do you have people yet?!?!!!

2:36 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Justin... Just a thought: Implants.

Lindsay... I have a cat. Does a cat count as people? Also, I never wear panties anyway, so we're good.

2:41 PM  
Blogger Liöüx said...

Just remember, Clinton...ZFS! is A Place Where No Dead Horse Goes Unbeaten!

2:42 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

I certainly like to think so. Speaking of, ICFC tomorrow! Don't forget!!!

2:43 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

You also need to come up with a clever catch-phrase that will be on the tip of everyone's tongues for a few months or so.

6:19 PM  
Blogger stew said...

hahah this is really funny, Clinton! Good luck to yo-- hey, stop that!

Clinton, they're pushing me!


Guys, hey, I know you're paid to be bodyguards but for serious,y stop pushing me, he totally knows me. Right Clinton? C-Dawg? Clin --







7:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would say your shirt being smelly is a positive thing. I've heard those celebrity people are really stinky. They don't have to shower because nobody gives a shit - it's one of the bonuses that go along with being famous.

10:29 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Big Daddy... "Slap my butt and call me gorgeous!!!" How's that?

Stew... Er... sorry, Stew. The new guys are a little jumpy. But, um, why were you clutching that kitchen knife? That's like asking for a tasing.

Megkathleen... See, that's totally what I want. I dress like a downtrodden hobo anyway; it would be awesome if that were suddenly fashionable.

8:19 AM  
Blogger Todd said...

I want one of those t-shirts!

1:45 PM  

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