It Came From Chinatown...

And we're back!

Being in Arlington last week sucked monkey butt, kiddos. For a lot of reasons... the whole death thing, of course (which: lame), the sleeping on a couch for an extended period of time, the constant motion of a family in crisis, and... yes... the not getting to eat weird foods for your various, sick pleasures. It felt odd to let a week go by without cramming something unholy and possibly hazardous into my face... really odd. Like the phantom itch felt by people who have just lost a limb. My hand would raise to my mouth, my throat would clench, my tongue would attempt to exit out my eye socket, but there'd be nothing there... nothing horrible, anyway. Only a can of Dr. Pepper and the sense of living in a world gone mad. Fortunately I had plenty of BBQ to staunch the flow of pain and regret. So much brisket, my sweat was smokey... (sigh)...

But that's in the past. As I said, we are motherfucking back! It's ICFC time again and smiles and tap dancing and rainbow sword fights on a cloud made of little-kid's letters to Santa!!! This weeks grossness du jour... Flavored Tofu Soy Bean Cake:



How we've made it this far into the project without choking on something tofu-based, I'll never know. We were blinded by the vast array of processed fish bits, I guess. But anyway, lets talk Flavored Tofu Soy Bean Cake. Two things, first impressions-wise: When Girlfriend handed me the above package, I was sure she was just kidding... food, as a general rule doesn't weigh as much as a cinder block dipped in iron and stuffed with Rosanne Barr. I hoisted this package, babies... hoisted. There's no other word to describe it. Okay, "heavy," I guess, but that's about it. Also, while glancing at the nutritional information (I'm always on the look out for listed ingredients like strychnine or Ebola), I noticed... and you can see it there... the term, "Thick Soy Sauce." Not sure why, but the thought of a thick soy sauce... all salty and pasty and vile... makes my stomach do a lazy barrel roll like a drunk stunt pilot about to crash into a barn. So glad it's a part of the thing I'm going to eat. So glad.

Here's one piece of the Flavored Tofu Soy Bean Cake, which deceptively looks like a homemade brownie:



Seeing as how it smells like a bag of jockstraps left in the closet of a deserted gymnasium, I'm going to assume that it doesn't taste like a brownie. Unless I've been wildly misinformed about brownies. Okay, let's do this:



Huh. Now it looks like an Eskimo Pie. These are the Transformers of nasty food.

Girlfriend, as you can see, has encouraged me to take a big, honkin' bite... to go for the gusto, and go for it I most certainly did. Which I immediately regretted:

Dry. Not quite like the Mojave Desert, but like you've just licked the seat cover of an old car on a hot day. And it's dense. And... urgh... sweaty. Eating a Flavored Tofu Soy Bean Cake is akin to chewing on a large hunk of foam rubber that's been used as a floor mat for a high school wrestling team from a poor neighborhood somewhere in the deep South. I tried to choke it down. I really, really tried. But it crumbled in my mouth and multiplied like a science-fiction virus and suddenly I couldn't breathe and all was lost and then...

I spit it out:

Other than the hot peppers from a few weeks ago, I've never actually not been able to eat something. But this... I mean, yikes. Look at it. It's like a smashed cake, still chunky and mostly solid, and that's after having chewed it up for a good thirty seconds. Inedible, truly. And it's almost entirely due to the texture. Flavor-wise, it just tastes kind of blandly whatever. Certainly not as bad as it smells. There's maybe a hint of sodium, a note of fishiness, but really there's just not a whole lot going on. That texture, though... people always joke about bad food tasting like construction materials but, perhaps for the first time, that is no longer a joke. This actually has the mouth-feel of the thick insulation you'd use in cold-weather climates to cut down on heating costs. In fact, I'm not entirely convinced that that's not it's intended purpose. Because I can't imagine people chowing down on these for fun. They're not fun. They're unpleasant beyond your wildest dreams. Beyond the stars, even.

So of course, it was decided that I should maybe try one more bite. This time, however, with the aide of a little American ingenuity:

Now, in the past, I've made a big fuss over ketchup and how it's the condiment version of a uni-tasker: "For Fries Only," has been the line I've been selling, and until last night, I was convinced that it was a rock-solid dogma upon which a man could build his life.

Turns out, though, if you squirt enough ketchup on a Flavored Tofu Soy Bean Cake, it provides enough moisture to help you force it down your own throat! Who knew?

So congrats, tomato-based ichor, you've been upgraded! To multi-tasker!!! Though don't get too excited; you're not getting anywhere near my hot dogs and hamburgers.

Anyway, the ketchup helped me at least swallow a bite of the Flavored Tofu Soy Bean Cake, but it didn't magically turn it into a tasty appetizer for the TGI Friday's menu or anything. Mostly, it just made it taste like ketchup, and it lubed it up enough so it'd slide down my gullet without triggering any vomit alarms. Probably not something that the Heinz company is going to want to use for their next press release.

So, final verdict on the Flavored Tofu Soy Bean Cakes? Easy-peasy:

Oh, and sorry I made you all look at my ABC food. But you knew what you were getting into when you started reading ICFC. It was bound to happen sometime.

Be sure to tune in next week, friends and and neighbors, for the ICFC Season Finale!!! I have no idea what it's going to be yet, but we'll try to make it super special. And disgusting.

See y'all then!!!