Thursday, May 08, 2008

Air Travel: A Pictorial


Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they're there. I'd much rather them be attached and us fly around the country all safe and whatnot, as opposed to the alternative: Crashing in a lake and having my eyeballs eaten by a trout before the dive team works their way to the back of the plane. Still, though... what the fuck are airplane wings? What makes them work? Are they full of birds? Trained birds that all flap their wings at the exact same time and that's why planes fly (I totally get how bird's wings work by the way: they're filled with bees)? Surely I'd have heard about that by now, so that can't be it. But really, I don't have any other theories as to how they do that voodoo that they apparently do so well. Wait... is it voodoo? Yeah... yeah, it's probably voodoo. Whew! Problem solved.

Oh, also, "Band on the Run" was a great song.

O'Hare International Airport

There's a dinosaur skeleton in one of their terminals. Oooookay. I mean, hey, it's their airport and they can decorate it anyway they see fit... but, you know... the bones of a dead creature maybe isn't the way I'd go. A little too Leatherface for my air travel tastes. Although I will say that their bathrooms are all Back to the Future 2, which I appreciate. They have those Sani-Seat things where you wave your hand over a sensor and a fresh plastic cover whirrs over the toilet seat like a clever robot that's cool with you pooping in it's techno-mouth. Really the acme of the mid-travel, excretory experience. So dino bones... nifty electric growlers... it all balances out. O'Hare beats the shit out of LaGuardia, that's for sure. That place looks like an old hobo corpse full of rats by comparison.


They make me sad. Because a few decades ago, they were all probably hot like Ms. Upright Position up there, rocking the 70s fashions and dodging handsy businessmen like Randy Moss breaking tackles. But now they're just old. And kind of mean. And for some reason, they get really exasperated when you tell them you don't need a cup of ice with your Coke; you'll just take the can. They were going to give me the can anyway! I know they were!!! The lady next to me got one!!! I'm saving you work, lady. And by the looks of it, you could use the break. I've seen people with gout cruise up and down the aisles faster and without so much grimacing.

Actually, an amendment: I think the stewardesses on JetBlue are supposed to be pretty foxy. Probably the ones on Hooters Air are too, seeing as how that's their raison d'etre and all.

Well, anyway, my point is that I don't like getting hassled by cranky sky-dwellers over soda-related matters. Seems beneath both of us.

(haha like anythings beneath me; the ground avoids me at parties)

Delayed Flights

Here's what I did during yesterday's hour-long flight delay: Stared at the above screen. Studied it. Sought from it answers like one seeks wisdom from an oracle. Then I took a break to sample the new "Southern style" Chicken Biscuit from McDonald's (which was unappealing), after which I resumed my watching, my waiting, my longing for the words to change so that I might finally go home. And, yes, I realize that only having my flight delayed by an hour is, in this day and age, a blessing... my friend Amy, the world's unluckiest traveler, routinely has her flights delayed by entire baseball seasons... but that's not the point. The point is that I turn into an autistic child when faced with a snag in my travel routine and, seriously, what the fuck is up that? Everyone else is all like, "Whatever, lets hit the duty-free shop and price some rum for an hour," and I'm all, "must watch the screen... it knows... it's thinking..." like I need my medications tweaked.

Having To Pee During Turbulence

Don't recommend it. Flying into Chicago, we must have sucked an entire flock of migrating geese into our engines because all of a sudden it was like we were strapped to drunk Superman during a hailstorm of falling auto parts and farm machinery. Or maybe there was just weird air pressure around us or something, I don't know; airplanes are confusing. But anyway, that happened and I had to pee the whole time like waaaaay bad. Like the kind of "need" where you're a light tap on the abdomen away from wetting your pants, toddler-style. When we finally landed, and after we taxied to the gate by way of Route 66, I made it to the airport bathroom a squintillionth of a second ahead of a wet, shameful disaster. The pee I subsequently took was one of the most emotional, satisfying moments of my young life. It changed me. I'll now devote my life to doing good. Or something. Whatever. Writing all of this has made me need to pee.


Blogger Cray said...

Glad you made it back, and with dry pants as a bonus.

All the nasty crap you've eaten/drank from Chinatown must act as a sacrifice to Buddha. May he continue to watch over you.

12:31 PM  
Blogger Cray said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

12:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I find it odd that a good portion of your travel post is dedicated to scatology. However, discussions of growlers and the need for travel Depends is probably safer than discussing the decline of stewardess, er, flight attendent hotness over the last two decades. Carry on.

12:42 PM  
Anonymous David said...

To get planes to fly they sacrifice Bald Eagles and spray the blood from the severed neck all over the nose. What that does is make the air magically travel faster under the wing than over it cause it to raise up. At least that is what a Tibetan monk told me one day on my way to quell the riots of Burmese Buddhists Monks in Myanmar.
As for stewardess or more correctly Flight Attendants. They look that way because part of the pre flight ritual is them getting screwed by the flight crew after ingesting mind altering drugs. It takes a toll on them and because of how they now look they don't want to retire so younger hotter woman can get screwed three times a day.
I get gout all the time so maybe that is a job I should look into before becoming a laptop equipped hobo on the streets of NY. I'll just have to pretend I'm gay. Clint can you send me a wallet size picture.
The only reason an airport would have the bones of a dinosaur in the building is to remind people of their own mortality. So if the plane crashes and they die it is just a part of the evolutionary cycle and they are not responsible.
I don't believe I have ever had a delayed flight so I have no comment on it. I will add that I don't fly but once a decade because I believe the Bald Eagle is a sacred animal and shouldn't be killed willy nilly just to get us in the air. If God had wanted man to fly he would have provided us hollow arms to put the bees in.
You should have pissed in the barf bag like I do in moments like that. What are they going to do throw you off the plane?

12:57 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Cray... There's nothing like the sweet protection of Buddha Pity.

Harry... Yeah, I wrote that about the stewerdesses last night when I was still suffering from post-flight crankiness. They work hard and are cool with me.

12:58 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

David... Peeing in barf bags is soooooo 1999. I only pee in soda cans now. Maybe an empty beer bottle.

12:59 PM  
Blogger Lioux said...


I finished reading this post hours ago and had to pee.

I TOTALLY forgot to come back and comment.

I think they're actually called 'flight attendants' now, Clinton!

2:17 PM  
Anonymous Just Saying said...

Clint is living in the 60's.

2:51 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

My plane got delayed 6 hours at O'Hare once and it was after all the food places and stores had closed down.

I hate flying.

3:00 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Lioux, Just Saying... Yeah, yeah, I know. I apologized for being a rank, sexist pig. And I meant it, too!!!

Big Daddy... My worst was a five-hour delay in the Detroit airport. It was after xmas and I spent a good junk of my holiday gift money at the TGI Fridays bar getting smashed with the other stuck travellers.

4:20 PM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

Clinton -- it seems like you flew from texas to NY via a stopover in Chicago --- In the end thats what happened, your writing however made it very enjoyable though!-- dude- you crack me up

4:38 PM  
Anonymous JustinS said...

I canceled my planned trip to Texas when I learned they weren't going to let you leave as you'd planned. Solidarity, my brother. Solifuckingdarity.

7:19 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Bill... Thanks! And that's a very dashing picture you've got there.

Justin... Stay strong, my brother. Power to the me.

8:34 AM  
Blogger javieth said...

This blog is amazing!!!! i love to travel everywhere and to know new thing all the time. actually i apprached
costa rica investment opportunities
and it was a fantastic experience.

8:35 PM  

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