Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Packing Tips

Seeing as how I'm heading out of town tomorrow, my thoughts naturally have turned to packing my suitcase and how I should probably, maybe, you know, at some point get on that before my flight leaves in the morning and I find myself stuck in Texas with no clean underwear. And since it's illegal to purchase underwear in Texas (they consider it a tool of the Devil), I'd really be screwed. Luckily, I'm the greatest suitcase packer on the motherfucking planet. Seriously. The best. Other people try to pack suitcases and then I walk in the room and they shit themselves and start worshiping me all bowing and chanting in their own filth and then... well, it's a bad scene, let me put it to you that way, and it's the reason why I can only pack suitcases by myself in a locked room of an abandoned doll factory under the cover of darkness. It's a hassle, but hey... such is greatness.

Anyway, my point is, I shan't worry about waiting until the last minute to pack my suitcase because, as I said, I'm so fucking good at it, it hardly matters when it gets done.

So it's with that in mind, and since I'm feeling generous today, please allow me to impart unto you a small taste of my packing wisdom. You're just so fucking lucky. It's like you're winning the idea lottery right now. Smile, children... SMILE!!!

C-dog Helps You Pack Your Luggage, IFYAKNOWWHATIMEAN!!!

Tip 1... If you're anything like me, you like to carry a whole lot of gravy with you at all times. Sandwich bags, pants pockets, or even your cupped hands are just fine for day-to-day use, but what about when you want to bring a whole lot of gravy with you on vacation? You can't carry it on to the plane, thanks to some smarty-bombers who just had to make liquids into explosives somehow (magic). Don't worry, folks... here's what you do. First, rinse out some old shampoo bottles. If there's still some some shampoo left in the bottles, go ahead and drink it (never waste shampoo). Now that you have some clean, empty bottles... you know where I'm going with this... recycle them and use the money to buy a GravyCarrier 3000 from Sharper Image. Those things are fantastic! They keep your gravy pipin' hot and only cost $900!!!

Tip 2... As a prank, get a favorite midget to hide in your carry-on bag. When he goes through the X-ray machine, everyone at the security checkpoint will have big, much-needed belly laugh! You will of course be arrested, but I think we can all agree that that's a small price to pay for bringing joy into the world. (Don't call me for bail money; I will not help you)

Tip 3... If you ball up your socks and stick them in your shoes, you'll give yourself an extra few inches of space. Space which you can fill with bricks of hash.

Tip 4... Before you leave for the airport, make sure everything that you think you'll need during your plane ride is in your carry-on and not in the bags you intend to check. Seriously, everything. The flight crew will not let you into the cargo hold to dig through your suitcase for that CD wallet full of Monster Ballad compilations, no matter how much of a scene you make. Parenthetically, most flight crews are not impressed that you're a blogger who's logged over a thousand posts, so don't bother shouting that right in their fat fucking faces because the Sky Marshals have tasers now. (and think they're real hot shit because of it, too) (assholes)

Tip 5... Here's the order in which you should put things into your suitcase. Follow this list exactly and it will maximize the amount of items that you can pack. Are you ready? Pay attention, because I'm only going to give this list once. Okay, here it is.

In order from first thing in to last thing in...

Pants
Dress Shirts
Folded shirts
More pants
Underwear
Sexy underwear
Plastic underwear for "oopsies"
Shoes (with balled-up socks inside!)
Bricks of hash
GravyMaster 3000
Sex toys
Toothbrush and toothpaste and dental dams
Electric razor
Straight razor
Razor scooter
Favorite midget
2nd GravyMaster 3000
Sports memorabilia
Russian nesting dolls
Six-pack of Coke Zero
Bottle of Jose Cuervo Zero
50 pound weight for ballast
Bootleg DVDs to sell outside the airport
9mm pistol
Water wings
Additional sex toys
And if there are any nooks and crannies left un-maximized, fill them with some wadded-up $100 bills and/or tiny bricks of hash

12 Comments:

Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

I just giggled uncontrollably envisioning a suitcase packed with all of those things (and carried by you)

But don't tell the Sky Marshalls that I giggled uncontrollably. I don't want them to tase me, bro.

(too soon?)

11:05 AM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

1."plastic underwear for oopises" made me laugh!

2. sex toys should ALWAYS be in your carry-on in case there's any mile high club shenanigans to be had! or if the plane's going down and you just need something to bite down on.

3.i'm surprised your not in guantanamo bay right now because you obviously had to google the words "suitcase bomb" for the pic.

4.how much for a brick of hash and who do i send the check too???

11:11 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Brooklyn... A properly packed suitcase is no giggling matter, young lady. Imagine arriving at your vacation destination and discovering that you've left behind your Razor scooter... not so hilarious now, is it?

Jason...

1. Thanks, but again, "oopsies" are no laughing matter.

2. No room in those little bathrooms to introduce sex toys. Best to stick to basics.

3. Great, now I'm paranoid.

4. I don't know what you're talking about (wink, wink).

11:33 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

OMG!!!

I'm very AWESOME at packing too, with all the 'on the road' training I've had with my band Sister Kisser®™©™.

I'm a little concerned about the lack of hard liquor [and alcohol in general] on your packing list.

I generally tend to pack around these types of things myself.

¡Arriba Voyage!

Have an AWESOME time.

I guess I'm going to have to get some work done for the next few days.

*sigh*

11:45 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

The way I see it, I'm going to a wedding. Bound to be some liquor there that I can... er... "help myself to." Steal, in other words.

And thanks, I will certainly try to have as awesome a time as is humanly possible.

Now get to work!

1:36 PM  
Anonymous JustinS said...

This couldn't have been more timely. I, too, am flying to Texas soon (Monday) and had no fucking idea how I was going to get my midget there with me. I totally would have tried to put him through in my carry-on bag (you never know if you'll need your midget on a 4-5 hour flight), but it's clear now that would have been the wrong way to go.

And I'm glad you remembered that you aren't supposed to bring a lighter with you. I mean, it would be tempting with all that hash, but TSA might freak.

1:43 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

"get a favorite midget to hide in your carry-on bag"

AHH!!! No midgets!

2:03 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Justin... No probs, I'm happy to help. Another tip: Give your midget some hash to calm him down. He'll be much easier to bag (not like that). Enjoy being in my home state!!! Try the BBQ; it's really tasty.

Todd... Yes, midgets!!! They want to be your friend. And give you a back rub. And do a kooky dance for you. Why, they're waiting under your bed... right... now....

2:55 PM  
Blogger Give 'Em Hell Harry said...

And to think that all this time I have been keistering (?) my hash bricks. You have saved me thousands in vaseline payments and you have my thanks.

4:32 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

The GravyCarrier reminds me of this.

Damn.

Now I want meatloaf and mashed potatoes and gravy.

7:16 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

AHHHH!!!

7:44 PM  
Blogger stew said...

must. get. gravy.

well, with all youse guys coming TO Texas, I am normalizing the state population and flying out of Dallas today. I'll be back Monday. You better be gone.

11:04 AM  

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