Tuesday, April 22, 2008

It Came From Chinatown...

Well, friends, here we are again. A day late, yes, but who's fault is that really? Mine? Nope. Girlfriend? Of course not. Tequila? Most certainly... it's a wicked beverage that, when blended with fruit and served in a pint glass, makes even the most dedicated of bloggers go, "writing is boring; hanging around like a taco fart is where the real action is."

But no matter... what's done is done (or not done, rather) and it's now time once again to get our weird-ass food on. This week's culinary spit-take... Canned, Scary, Fish Parts:

I wish I'd taken the price tag off in an effort to ease Commenter J's translation (which, thanks!); I'm fairly certain, though, that it says something along the lines of, "You're not really going to eat these, right? I mean, they clearly still have the skin attached. And is that the spine? Ew." The can is certainly a festive, sky blue, though, and that's one thing I'll give the Asian food community: they're bursting at the seams with packaging design skills over there. Throwing all sorts of colors and shapes and weird cartoon characters around like the concept of advertising came to them during an acid trip, making our Toucan Sams and Joe Isuzus look like cardboard cut-outs in a long forgotten 7-11... well played, China... well played.

Anyway, here's me opening the can and laughing my ass off:

Why am I laughing? Well, I'm sure there's some sort of deep-rooted psychological reasoning behind the fact that I laugh when confronted with an image of stomach-violating horror, but I haven't the course credits to suss it all out. So I'm just going to say that the contents of the can, coupled with the fact that I was about to put said contents in my mouth, made the whole scene way too fucking funny. And by funny, I mean tragically disgusting:

No liquid should be that color. Pus from an infected bullet wound is all, "Gross, dude... you look like distilled sorrow flecked with hate and reeking of the ocean floor that resides within a cosmic giant's asshole." And I'd be inclined to agree with the pus, although personally I'd have to say that the whole mess smelled like a cat food factory got hit by an atom bomb made of wet farts and every nightmare you've ever had. Plus woeful chunks of death.

And yes, that is the spine:

I thought about eating the spine, or at least giving it a shot, but then I remembered that I'm not a soulless ghoul and I'd like to be able to look my loved ones in the eye again without the shame of my misbegotten deeds melting my brain.

So no spine. But what say we go for one of the chunks, hm?

Oh. Well. Huh. After gazing for a few long minutes at it's freak show appearance, I'd really kind of expected the taste of the Scary, Canned Fish Parts to take the top of my head off like I'd just pulled the trigger of a shotgun with my toe. But you know what? It wasn't that bad. Wasn't great, mind you... I didn't pull up a chair and finish the can while rubbing my belly and going, "Mmmmmm!" or anything. But still, compared to some of the slop that I've shoveled into my maw during the run of this series, it at least didn't make me beg Girlfriend to plant a kitchen knife in my sternum.

For the record, however, it tasted sort of like canned tuna... Starkist or whatever... but with the flavor turned up a few notches and with the texture of something Slimer excreted in the unproduced screenplay for Ghostbusters 3. Again, not anything I'd combine with mayo and chopped onions to spread on some toast, but not inedible and wrong.

Which, quite frankly, leads to a fairly unexciting edition of ICFC. So, in an effort to perk up the excitement and produce a few cheap, skeevy thrills, I went ahead and picked out all the dark, organ-y bits to see if they tasted any different:

Grody, right? I mean, I'm sure if you hoisted my innards on a fork and shoved them towards a camera, they wouldn't exactly look like a Monet retrospective either but... oh... who am I kidding? My guts are so gorgeous, they're starring this fall in a new teen drama on The CW. It's like Gossip Girl meets an autopsy video!!!
But yeah, so I ate them (the fish guts, I mean):

And they were pretty meh too. A little more iodine-y, perhaps, but still nothing to write a whole blog post over. And yet, here we are, mildly disappointed. But that's life amongst the stalls of Chinatown. Sometimes, you can't judge a product by it's butt-nasty cover.
Now, before I go, I did want to make a small announcement about ICFC... specifically, about it's conclusion. Girlfriend and I have always looked at this project as a thing that had a definite, logical end... that being her finishing up her Grad School classes (she won't have much cause to be hanging out in Chinatown after that). And as we near the end of the semester, that day is, obviously, rapidly approaching. So, that being said, I wanted to let you know that there will only be three more It Came From Chinatown posts, at least for this "season." There's every chance in the world that we may pick the idea up again at some point in the future but, for the time being, I personally think it's for the best if we end it before we're all... myself included... sick of the whole thing.

So there you have it... the end is near, kiddos. We'll try to make them count.

See y'all next week!!!


Anonymous Jessica Simpson®™©™ said...

I know, Clinton! Right?!

I once ate "Chicken" out of a can.


Or maybe it was "Tuna"?


11:15 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

Only three more ICFC®™©™ posts of the season?!?!?!!!


Will you be rerunning any of this season's ICFC®™©™ over the summer?!?!?!

Maybe even have a ICFC®™©™ Marathon?!

11:18 AM  
Anonymous Charlie The Tuna®™©™ said...


I'm not good enough for YOU either, Clinton?!

11:21 AM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

The last "episode" better be an extravaganza! It's going to have to last us awhile.

12:32 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Man, I got sick just reading this.

Me thinks you're ending ICFC to avoid ulcers!

2:02 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Jessica... I don't like you.

Lioux... Deep breaths, baby. It'll be fine. And yeah, I might do some ICFC stuff randomly if I find something good. Ya never do know.

Charlie... I don't like you either.

Brooklyn... Yeah, we've got to plan something really good. Like one of thos Chinese dragons that you see at the parades, but a real one.

Todd... Nah, I got a stomach forged in iron. Mostly.

2:21 PM  
Anonymous J. said...

Its a shame that the series will be ending but it is good that it didn't end on this one because this was Japanese, not Chinese. That probably has a lot to do with why it was blandly gross instead of violently gross. I can, however, make some of it out, although what I can read is not very illuminating. the character just above the price tag is 水 meaning water, so that probably means it was packed in water, like you see on cans of sardines. The little darker blue strip on the right says 鱼介和... meaning fish and...something. The last two characters are not clear enough to read.

3:52 PM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

I think you should videoblog the last one.

And I'll see what I can do about finding a dragon.

4:02 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

J... Ah, good call. I thought for some reason that it might be Japanese. And let me just say this: If it was packed it water, it was from the sewers. Grody.

Brooklyn... Yeah, get back to me on the dragon situation.

4:57 PM  
Anonymous ariane said...

We're so used to gross stuff in ICFC that I read "candy, scary, fish parts". Wonder what that would be like...
And I totally second the videoblog idea for the finale, that'd make us way more disgusted.

7:37 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

I am actually partial to Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken.

And, you stop ICFC just as I am going to write it up in The Magazine!

7:39 PM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

That may not have been the worst stuff on ICFCT, but it Looked the nastiest, and their is a lot to be said for that. I almost had to throw up just looking at it... it was so gross, I had to turn off the internet.

9:44 AM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

That was awesome!! I actually love it when it goes opposite from what you expected, like with the aloe :)


11:46 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Ariane... Candy fish parts would probably taste a lot like the candy crabs from last week. That is to say, they'd taste disgusting.

Big Daddy... I enjoy exposure!!!

Bill... That's what I thought, too. Way gross to look at, but actually not that bad, flavor-wise.

Jew... Yeah, me too. That's kind of the whole point of this, actually. That and me nearly puking on camera. That's fun too.

3:02 PM  

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