Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Arbitrary Rulings 14

Cellphones - Nobody cares about the big meeting you're about to take with Bob and Frank and Ol' Hambone over in marketing, particularly those around you in the elevator. And how are you getting service in here anyway? I can't get more than two bars in a city park three blocks from a Verizon store, much less inside a moving metal box that's been hung by cables deep within a building made of concrete and steel. Your superior cellphone technology mocks me and your life... "look at me, I'm a businessman; I'm so important!!!"... makes me at least twelve different kinds of angry. Stabbing you in the neck with a corkscrew would feel like cozy blankets and a stack of Netflix on a snowy Winter's day.

The Pope - It's his birthday today, and apparently the White House is throwing him a big party since he's here in America and all. That just seems weird to me. Like, is The Pope supposed to go to parties? Shouldn't he be spending his birthday in a small, bare room reading the Bible and praying for world peace or something? It seems a little off that he's going to be swanning around a grand ballroom with Henry Kissinger and a bunch of GOP-hired supermodels. Maybe I'm thinking about this in too much of a Studio 54 sort of way, but all I can see is His Holiness doing The Hustle while the President (clad in a disco cowboy leisure suit) drinks champagne out of Laura Bush's high heel. Then they go blow up a country full of poor people and laugh and laugh and laugh. And the morning finds them at the high school football field, laying back on the hood of a Trans-Am, talking about chicks, man... chicks. Can you dig it?

Falling Down In Public - I stepped in a pothole this morning and totally went down like an imploding casino that's being cleared off the strip to make way for a family-friendly hotel that's "Wild West" themed and more expensive than actual human souls. I kinda messed up my ankle, too, because it turned weird when I fell. The whole thing was pretty unsmooth, but I would have been okay with it had everyone else on the street not turned and went, "Ha ha, fatty go BOOM!!!" all Invasion of the Body Snatchers-style with the big open mouths and the pointing and the shrieking. It was way creepy. And humiliating. And then I got run over by a truck. All in all, not a great way to start the day.

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia - Holy shit, why is this show not drowned in Emmys every year? My boy Andrew (of former Cubicle-Mate fame) lent me his DVDs of the first two seasons and told me they were awesome and... after having binged on them as well as the third season on Hulu... now I'm a believer. I can honestly say that there's nothing better than a program about awful, selfish, venal, cruel people treating each other like crap and then, for fun, treating everyone else like crap as well. Praise be to Andrew for turning me on this program... he is the way and the light, the alpha and the omega, the guy who lends me DVDs as if it weren't the greatest thing a dude can do for another dude. I mean, it's like... wow! And ladies, he's totally dreamy!!!

Colin Meloy - He's the lead singer of The Decemberists and he also happens to be my nerdy, singer/songwriter boyfriend. Girlfriend's totally cool with it (or at least I assume she will be once she reads this). Anyway, yeah, just look at him... all playing a song about sweeping romance in an elevator with those glasses and that haircut. Couldn't you just cuddle him until you both died from malnutrition? Well you can't... he's all mine, you son of a bitch. Don't make me cut you. I killed that guy with the cellphone and they say the second time's way easier.


Blogger Braden said...

I bet dating Colin Meloy would be great until he accidentally gives you a second copy of An Illustrated History of Lace Irish Petticoats. Get your head out of your ass, Meloy!

11:02 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Look, he said he was sorry about that. Then he took me to a vast veranda where we danced by candelight amid the bootleggers of England. It was lovely.

11:04 AM  
Blogger surviving myself said...

wait - are you saying you don't laugh at people for falling down in public?

because that would be weird.

11:12 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...


You want to talk about public humilitation?!

At least you weren't the guy I walked in on, just moments ago, with dropped trou, wiping his ass in the public restroom, here at the TEMPORARY offices of WAH!.


11:18 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Surviving... No, I'm fine with that as long as the person being laughed at isn't personally me. It's kind of a double standard, but I'm okay with that.

Lioux... Er, yeah, that would be pretty awkward. Was he in a stall, or was he just chilling by the sinks, taking care of business?

11:44 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

That was the weird part...He was standing OUTSIDE of the stall.

As you can imagine, I averted my eyes pretty damn quickly and hightailed it outta there.

11:53 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Yikes. You're lucky you got out of there. If some dude walked in on me in such a compromising position, I'd have no choice but to destroy him. So I didn't die of embarrasment, you understand. Not because I wanted to or anything.

(okay, maybe I wanted to a little bit)

12:01 PM  
Anonymous Scott H. said...

I thought pushing the drunk, slutty girl with low self-esteem towards your lonely buddy was the greatest thing a dude could do for another dude... shows how much I know.

12:17 PM  
Blogger surviving myself said...

oh - okay. Phew!

12:29 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Scott... Touche. Also acceptable: buying a round for no reason.

Surviving... Glad we're on the same page.

1:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That cubicle-mate Andrew sure sounds like a stud...

1:57 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

I totally agree with your "It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia" ruling. That show never fails to make me pee a little while I giggle.

2:34 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

"Anonymous"... Oh he totally is.

Todd... Indeed. Also, I think you kind of look like the dude that plays Mac. Maybe it's just the beards.

2:58 PM  
Blogger TFKoP said...

"It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" is a great and very funny show.

I hope it's back for Season 4.


ps I saw you fall but chose not to laugh...but it was hard not to.

3:55 PM  

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