Friday, April 11, 2008

Friday Morning Hodgepodge

It seems like every one of these posts starts with me bitching about how sick I am and how I hate phlegm and people who go to doctors are wimpy nerds that cry over paper cuts and actually think that cough medicine tastes like real cherries, just like it says on the box. I know all this... and yet, here we are again... second verse, same as the first. Though I guess we're on the third or fourth verse now. Anyway, yeah... didn't get any sleep last night thanks to my lungs deciding to fill up with fluid as soon as I got horizontal, which in my opinion is just a lousy thing for a major organ to do. I'm going to have to have a stern talking-to with them. And by that, I mean I'm going to inhale a lit match and let the motherfuckers burn for their crimes. I don't see anything that could possibly go wrong with this plan. So I'll be home from work doing that today. Also, sleeping. Mostly that. Hopefully. Unless my lungs try to get all cute again. Then all bets are off. I will fuck my lungs up!!!

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Okay, so I know not everyone watches the show, but I have to ask... what the hell was up with American Idol getting all Jesus-y last night? With the big song about loving the Lord and the holy angelic choir and the sacrificing of Michael Johns for our sins? So weird... and this was on FOX, no less! The most un-Christian network outside of the Spice Channel! Girlfriend said that they needed to show some actual boobies now to even the scales, and I totally agree with her. Otherwise the Earth may tip off it's axis and spiral into an alternate dimension where Hugh Hefner runs The Watchtower and Rev. Fred Phelps makes a decent living shooting "dirty old man" porn. Next week, they need to swing it back the other way and do some Prince tunes. And not any of that "Musicology" or "3121" bullshit; I'm talking about the filthy, skanked-out Prince songs like "Darlin' Nikki" and "Head." That would be a fucking show worth watching.

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Oh, speaking of TV... The Office is back! Last nights episode was like a slow, uncomfortable strangulation. But in a mind-blowing way. Their shit is so tight over there, they could use it as a tripwire in the next Rambo movie.

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Writing all that about Prince totally got "Purple Rain" stuck in my head. Which is odd, seeing as how I didn't actually mention the song, or any songs that came off the same album. Well, no matter... let's all purify ourselves in Late Minnetonka:



I think it's safe to say there's not a soul on the planet that could pull off that outfit other than The Great, Purple, Weird One. He looks like disco Amadeus leading a marching band down the Champs Elysees, but way more than that because his very demeanor speaks to an otherworldly knowledge of all kinds of fucking. It's too bad he found religion. Religion is soooo boring, particularly when compared to the "Dirty Mind" album.

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So, I totally jacked my arm up on the sharp corner of my cubicle yesterday. Like, a healthy gash halfway between my wrist and my elbow. I'm going to take pictures of it and send it in to The Discovery Channel and they'll pretty much have to give me one of those "look at the freaks with the crazy-dangerous jobs" shows. Ice Truckers and Ax Men and We Catch Crabs (The Good Kind, Not The Bad Kind)... all those guys are a bunch of grody, unclean pussies compared to me and the shit I have to put up with on a daily basis. Fucking sharp-edged cubicles and an annoying lunatic that sits behind me and this once time I got burned by the coffee machine and my eyes hurt after inputting a lot of invoices and the constant threat of the dread Carpal Tunnel... it's like every day is a balls-out war from which I never know if I'm coming home. Pray for me, kids; the Sword of Damocles hangs over my head by the hair of an angel. Or give me my own TV show. Either of those would be awesome.

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All kidding aside, does anyone actually watch those programs? Because it seems like watching a bunch of high-school dropouts chop down trees or drive a big rig on a slick road wouldn't be all that entertaining. Especially since LOST is so good this year and, also, there's a bunch of other stuff on TV that doesn't involve watching gruff, sweaty men doing jobs that suck and are miserable. I mean, I could barely tolerate alphabetizing the Drama section, much less the shit they put up with. Whatever, I'm sure this is just me missing the point, as is usually the case.

12 Comments:

Blogger Todd said...

I've been told breathing is overrated. But to be fair, it was a shark that informed me of this, and I'm pretty sure he wanted to eat me.

9:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I will fuck my lungs up!!!

Yeah, that wouldn't be counterproductive or anything :-)

-Phoenix

9:48 AM  
Anonymous David said...

Have you ever thought of moving to a drier climate? Maybe Texas would be nice for your lungs.

10:05 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Todd... You got to watch out for those sharks, dude. This one time, a Hammerhead sold me a gold watch and when I got home, I noticed that it said "Rolax" on it.

Phoneix... I know, right? I don't understand why more people don't give their organs what-for.

David... Nah, I think just me going to the doctor would probably solve a lot of things.

10:12 AM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

maybe it's allergies fucking up your system!

and please god don't let there be another rambo movie!

and that office episode did perfectly blend uncomfortable feeling and hysterical laughter!

11:36 AM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

I'm just confused as to why i never noticed before that like, everyone in that audience watching prince is white.

-J

11:43 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Jason... I do have allergies, that's true. Maybe that's it. If only there was some sort of person that specialized in diagnosing and treating things that go wrong in your body...

Jew... Well, they *were* in Minnesota. Prince and the guys in his band are like the only black people there.

11:48 AM  
Blogger surviving myself said...

there's gonna be another Rambo???

Stallone must be stopped! Are you with me, or are you with him?

1:04 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

I actually got sucked in to We Catch Crabs.

It's oddly entertaining.

Although I agree, those boats must reek to high heaven.

1:20 PM  
Anonymous Scott H. said...

Reminds me of The Office Safety Day episode...

"Dwight, you ignorant slut!"

1:59 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Surviving... Er, well, I didn't actually see the new Rambo movie, so... I guess I'm with you! Although I really liked Rocky Balboa. And I've already got the Rambo movie saved on my Netflix. Which I guess would be kind of be in opposition to your stated objective. What to do... what to do... oh, wait, I know, he's got all the guns. I'm with him.

Big Daddy... I'm sure it is. I'm just jealous that I'm not on TV and a bunch of crab fishermen are.

Scott... Totally!

2:00 PM  
Blogger Lioux said...

OMG, Clinton.

Are you STILL sick?!

I know the number for 9-1-1 if you need it.

Feel better.

3:49 PM  

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