Monday, April 07, 2008

It Came From Chinatown: Liquids, Part 1

Your eyes do not deceive you... this edition of ICFC is a big, honkin' two-parter; think of it like those Sweeps Week stunts that networks pull to boost rating, except without any guest stars... not even a Baldwin... nor any sort of cliffhanger-style peril for our main characters (me, my girlfriend, our cat). But otherwise, totally the same thing.

So what's the occasion? Why, it's liquids! Or, rather, an assortment of drinks from Chinatown. Because after the dried pepper incident from last week, my mouth needed a break. Or at least it needed something that wasn't so up front about being the most painful thing ever in the history of pain. Thus... a beverage-tacular ICFC that starts today, concludes tomorrow, and is filled end-to-end with questionable liquids quite possibly sold as a dare.

Excited? Of course you are. So let's get started with a singularly-named beverage, the Cher of the Asian drink market... Aloe:

Aloe? As in, the bright green crap that my mom used to make me smear on my sunburns? Um... and I mean no disrespect... but what the fuck's wrong with you guys over there? You're not supposed to drink Aloe. You're just not! It's medicine. It heals and soothes and makes it so I can put on my G.I. Joe peeper-jammers without getting a red-faced case of the pouts. Not to mention the fact that this so-called beverage has got horrifying bits of pulp floating around inside it like so much snot in a clogged-up shower. If you look real close at the above picture, you can see them, hanging there, hating me as much as I'm hating them.

Whatever, let's just do this. Pulp be damned, down the motherfucking hatch:

The pulp is in fact the first thing that you feel; bits of it shooting across your tongue like gummi bears on a Slip n' Slide. The liquid in which they're suspended has the mouth-feel of thick, syrupy water. And the drink itself... folks, I never thought I'd utter these words during the course of ICFC... is delicious. Like, to the point where I'm a little pissed that I've gone nearly 28 years without Aloe in my life. It's sweet like a fruit juice, but with a crispness I'd associate with vegetables ripped right out of the garden. Taste-wise, it favors a tangy, white grape juice made from scratch; oddly enough, it has no processed or chemically-altered sourness to it at all, even though it most definitely is the result of mass production. Maybe they just do things differently in China. Who knows?

But whatever, it kicks ass. Aloe, you've won a fan for life:

So... a stunning upset. Did not see that one coming; in fact, I presumptuously pegged Aloe as being one of the worst of the bunch. Black has revealed itself to be white, monkeys are ejecting themselves from my butt at alarming speeds, and pigs are pulling off aerial maneuvers like they're deleted scenes from Top Gun.

But there's no time to contemplate the Apocalypse this strange turn of events portends. We've got to keep this show steadily on the road!!! Next up... White Gourd Drink:

In a box, no less. Like in grade school, but instead of tasty Ecto Cooler, it's a beverage made from a vegetable; one that's related to a pumpkin. Again, hopes were not high. Although, given that it's packaged the way it is, one could deduce that this is a product geared towards kids. Asian kids, borne into a land of wonky palates and bizarre eating habits, but... nonetheless... kids. Picky eaters and drinkers, them, so maybe... just maybe... we're looking at 2-for-2 here (an event rarer than Halley's Comet).

Now, before we get to the drink itself, I want to warn you... you're about to see the most adorable photo outside of a LOLcat website. I'm sure you all can handle it, but I wanted to give you a heads up because, no joke, the cute-factor presented here is just completely out of hand:

It's like to die, right? Late-20s dude sipping from a juice box with a look so innocent, it made a stuffed armadillo appear over his head and go, "Awwwww!" That tingling sensation in your hands is them wanting to pinch my cheeks.

But focus, please... hugs later, promise... we've got a White Gourd Drink to discuss. So here's the thing: Up front, I'll say that it wasn't awful. It was, however, one of the strangest beverages I've ever had. Why? Because it tasted exactly like caramel corn; or, rather, it tasted like a Jelly Belly Jellybean version of caramel corn. "Huh... but it's made from gourds?" I know. "How is that even possible?" Dude, I have no fucking clue:

The only thing I can figure is that a beverage manufacturing company in China got hit by a "What?" bomb lobbed by members of the WTF Liberation Army and it turned all their boxed juices into shrugs that make no sense. That's all I can come up with. And, if we're going by the principles set forth by Occam's Razor, we must assume that as this is the simplest explanation, it must in fact be correct.

Anyway, I picked up all the shattered fragments of my blown mind and actually tasted the thing again and, yeah, beyond it's weirdness, it's still not a very good drink. Way too sweet, kind of weak-willed and limp... probably what Care Bear pee tastes like. Confusing, unpleasant, and loaded with sugar... the liquid representation of a trannie at the Hershey's Store in Times Square.

Which brings us to the last... or rather, the middle (two-parter!)... item on our list... Milk and Peanut Protein Drink:

Milk and peanuts, together at last. Yeah, I think I'm going to let the picture do the talking on this one:

Have you ever in your life seen a drink so lumpy and beige? I mean... it's got halved peanuts suspended in it's thin, brackish substance like hateful tourists in a hotel pool. It looks like heroin-addict blood. Were it possible to give a beverage radiation poisoning, to have it sprout tumors like one of the guards at Chernobyl, it would look exactly like this. In fact, maybe that's what this is. Who knows what kind of deals were struck in Asia during the Cold War.
Okay, enough Stalin... Stalin... like stalling, but we were talking about Russia, so... oh, fuck you guys, never mind, let's just drink this shit:

Well, it's sweet. Ridiculously so. It's like being smothered to death with a two-week old puppy, or choking on Strawberry Shortcake's big, poofy hat, or getting strangled with some red-rope licorice by Willy Wonka. And the peanuts... oh, god... the peanuts... they're mushy, soft, they break apart like amoebas during mitosis until there's hundreds of them, coating your tongue with a bland, slightly-nutty, slightly-rotten taste that will linger in my memory for years and years, haunting me like I watched a loved one die in a terrible roller coaster accident, leaving me a bitter shell of gloom and sorrow:

That's me, forever. And let me just say this: Despite what it says on the can, you'd have an easier, more pleasant time getting a protein boost by picking up a supporting role on the set of an average bukkake film.
So that's it... for now. But stay tuned, as tomorrow we reach the terrifying conclusion known as...It Came From Chinatown: Liquids, Pt. 2! You'll gasp! You'll swoon! You'll loudly declare, "You're not supposed to make a fruit juice out of THOSE!!!" And I'll agree with you. While gagging.
It's going to get gnarly, kids.

See y'all then!!!


Blogger The Dutchess of Kickball said...

Holy crap. I didn't think I would live to see the day that something tasty was eaten during ICFC!

8:48 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Hey, you and me both, kiddo. But I guess, law of averages, it was bound to happen sometime.

8:58 AM  
Blogger jason quinones said...


it's good for the outside AND INSIDE parts of your body!

..and the word "bukkake" should be a highlighted clickable link!

9:59 AM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

I can’t wait for the next installment!

What’s with the Nazi SS logo on that Milk and Peanut Protein Drink can though?

Is this some strange experimental drink Josef Mengele and Heinrich Himmler concoted during WWII that somehow made it into the hands of the communists and is now being churned out by China?

Let us know if you feel any strange side the urge to conquer Poland or something.

10:11 AM  
Anonymous J. said...

OK, I'll start with the Yeo's. Evidently it was a winter melon tea, whatever that means. Now back to the aloe drink. During a road trip here in northern Japan my daughter and I grabbed some snacks from a convenience store and one of those snacks had a picture of an aloe plant on the front. As I drove I grabbed the aloe emblazoned drink and squeezed it into my mouth. I was horrified to discover a viscous, chunky, sour milk flavored surprise. As horrified as I was at the prospect of this rancid, disgusting monstrosity, I kept my cool and told my daughter that it was "gross" and asked whether she would like to try it. She did, assuming that I hated it because it was cloyingly sweet. She was wrong; it was terrible. So there you have it: FATHER OF THE YEAR!

10:33 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Jason... It's not that kind of website. Yet.

Digital... Conquering Poland is boring. Like, over it. I'm going to conquer Cancun or something so I can chill on the beach with a lot of rum.

J... Nah, you get the Father Of The Year award when you do that with cheap whiskey and then you accidentally burn your kid with a cigarette as you're laughing your ass off. Speaking of which, I should call my Dad...

12:09 PM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

Bet you especially wish you had known about Aloe during last week's edition of ICFC.

1:35 PM  
Blogger Anthony said...

Don't think we didn't notice your attempt to look a little classy with a collar this week.

Considering last week's milk chugging boxers pic it's a welcome change.

2:20 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

But which one mixes best with alcohol?

2:21 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Brooklyn... No joke. That stuff would have been soothing like a cold pillow in August.

Anthony... Enjoy it while it lasts. ICFC is going all-nude, all-the-time starting next week. And then the week after that, the internet will shut itself down.

Todd... Probably the Aloe, seeing as how it was the only one that tasted good. Although a few shots of Everclear would have greatly improved the taste of that Milk & Peanut abomination.

2:27 PM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

Ugh- that peanut drank looks GROSS. Love that you brought up amoebas, the cold war, and bukkake films, that's basically a high school education right there!


3:59 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Thanks, I like to drop knowledge when ever I can. Also, your high school sounds awesome!

5:05 PM  
Blogger Lioux said...


I spent most of the day putting together a photo shoot for work and almost missed ICFC®™©™ altogether today.

I wasn't Supermodeling though.

And I can't wait for Liquids, Part 2.

5:31 PM  
Blogger Braden said...

Man, that first one, it looks so green ...

Did you drink the magic nuclear waste from 1981's Modern Problems?

9:17 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Lioux... What, like your job's so important? Priorieties, dude.

Braden... Oh no, am I Chevy Chase again? Because I think I'd rather drink more weird crap. Even Drano.

(Even Drano is Evan Dando's bizarro twin)

11:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I enjoyed the "What is my life coming to?" look on your face as you drank the bastard child of peanuts and milk.


8:53 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Phoenix... After two+ months of this, my face permenently looks like that.

12:30 PM  

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