Friday, April 04, 2008

Friday Morning Hodgepodge

My cough is back and it's making me sound like I escaped from some sort of backwater TB ward. I really don't take very good care of myself, though I'm sure you've all figured that out. Whatever, I don't care. Dry, hacking coughs are totally "in" right now; all the cool kids are standing out in the rain and letting sick, homeless guys lick their eyeballs so they can sound like a car crash every time they inhale. I'm pretty sure this is true, although I admit there's every possibility that I just made it up in an effort to justify my not going to the doctor. Yes, I'm that sort of guy... the one who's all, "I'm not sick, I don't need the help of a medical professional, I'm COUGH HACK COUGH BLECH PTOOO OH MY GOD THAT'S A COLOR FROM BEYOND THE STARS OH SHIT anyway, I'm fine, leave me alone, do you have any Vap-O-Rub?"


The weekend viewing list: We're so going to check out The Ruins on Saturday. The book was fucking terrifying and gross and it turned my dreams into a bizarre, David Lynch film festival, so I'm hoping the movie can at least capture some of that madness. We're also going to start watching the DVDs of that series The Tudors. Girlfriend really digs historical fiction and we both dig gratuitous, nudity-heavy sex scenes, which we understand this show has in abundance. So we're pretty stoked and pantsless about it. Also at our disposal, we've got Stay Tuned (underrated, awful John Ritter movie), The Purple Rose of Cairo (one of Woody Allen's best), and The Lady In White (creepy, late-80s horror movie for kids). So we're pretty fucking set for a weekend of shitty weather and general laziness. I know you're all just so totally interested in Netflix queue, so there you go.


Speaking of Girlfriend, here's a story that will plop a Sterno can under your heart and warm it like a buffet hot dish... Girlfriend and I were on the train this morning and, during the course of our ride, I realized that I'd left my headphones at home. In my sad, dull world, this is a tragedy on par with watching your Mom getting eaten by a dinosaur inside a burning building while a biker punches an adorable puppy in the face because it cheated at cards. See, my job is a beige ocean of dullness and the only life raft is my iMeem account and/or the tawdry bounty of Hulu. Sans headphones, I won't be able to listen to these internet beauties while I input invoices, the day will drag on like an Easter sermon, and I'll eventually lose my mind like Tom Hanks in Castaway (my tape dispenser will be my Wilson). So I'm like, "Damn, today is going to suck ass," and then Girlfriend, without missing a beat, goes, "Here... take my headphones." And lo, the angels did sing. Seriously, this is exactly the same thing as Jesus giving that one beggar a glass of water when everyone else was like, "Fuck off, raggedy man!" I'm pretty sure that happened. Well, regardless, my point is that my girlfriend is Jesus. Neat!


I'm rereading Anthony Bourdain's "A Cook's Tour" for like the kajillionth time and I just got to the part where he talks about how he was sort of ashamed and embarrassed to have his own show on The Food Network; how he felt like he was selling out and going over to the dark side, etc. I would just like to point out... and it's not like anyone's offering or anything, but still... were it to come down to that, I would soooo not have the same problem. I'd shill like a fucking carny for whatever network or book publisher wanted to hire me, I'd let them slap my face on a line of sweatshop-made t-shirts or bumper stickers or shot glasses, I'd go on every talk show and suck their corporate cocks like a naughty babysitter... whatever, man, long as the sweet, sweet cash is rolling in. My metaphorical integrity-butthole would be stretched wide and open like the great plains of my home state. And, for the right price, we could talk about doing the same to my literal butthole. I'm not kidding, folks... the whole ICFC thing is merely the tippy-top of the iceberg that represents just how far I'd go to set me and my lady up for life. This, by the way, is why I can no longer listen to the RENT soundtrack. Artistic ideals are great when you're an artsy-fartsy sixteen year old... as I creep closer to thirty, I realize that the only thing that pays your bills and keeps you in food and clothes is filthy, tainted money from the Man. Screenplays and songs about Mimi only leave you cold, starving, and dying of AIDS. So, to all potential investors and assorted givers of fame and fortune... come up and see me sometime!!!


Blogger Lioux said...


You READ?!?!?!!

9:58 AM  
Blogger surviving myself said...

can your girlfriend walk on water too?

wait, was that moses or jesus?

fuck. my mom is gonna be pissed at me.

10:21 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Lioux... Yes, Lioux, I can read. I cannot, however, do math. At all. I still use my fingers and even then what I come up with is usually wrong.

Surviving... If I remember correctly, everyone in the Bible could walk on water. And they could do that Bullet-Time thing like in The Matrix.

10:38 AM  
Blogger Giggleloop said...

Husband and I are going to see The Ruins this weekend as well - let's synchronize watches and meet back here on Monday and discuss! On my mark! 3 - 2 - 1 - MARK!

Oh wait, I don't wear a watch. Crap.

10:42 AM  
Blogger Hex said...

Ahh Stay Tuned -- the movie that filled with far too many nice actors to ever be as dark as the script intended it to be. There are a lot of good laughs in that flick. Highly underrated indeed.

If you're searching for another John Ritter movie that is worth the watching, check out Skin Deep, which he did with Blake Edwards. It's not the greatest flick ever made, but it's got some wild moments in it.

ps -- that headphone story reminds me of a quote from Clerks about lasanga that I can't quite remember word for word, but offers equal levels of praise.

10:50 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

I hope your cough gets better before you and Girlfriend go see "The Ruins®™©™"...

Sitting in a theatre with someone who sounds like a car crash every time they inhale would be really annoying to me.

Feel better, Clinton!

11:07 AM  
Anonymous lengli said...

I've had the same cough 3 times already this winter/spring - what gives? I haven't had a hacking cough since I was a feeble asthmatic 10 year old, and it blows my mind.

How is "A Cook's Tour"? Because of "No Reservations", I have a total and shameless crush on Anthony Bourdain and want to read some of his stuff, so I'm looking for a good starting place.

11:14 AM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

1. Let me know how The Tudors is. I love historical fiction- particularly that era.

2. " Artistic ideals are great when you're an artsy-fartsy sixteen year old... as I creep closer to thirty, I realize that the only thing that pays your bills and keeps you in food and clothes is filthy, tainted money from the Man." In my opinion this is why the original RENT with 20-somethings was inspiring, while the movie with its 30-something actors was just depressing, even though they were the same people!

11:18 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Giggleloop... Yeah, totally. What's even tighter about going to see The Ruins is that I've got free movie passes. Nothing beats a free horror flick. I'm thinking about sneaking in beer so it becomes officially the Best Thing Ever.

Hex... I have not seen Skin Deep, but I am now adding it to my Netflix queue. Thanks for the Tip!

Lioux... I will try to get better, if not for myself, than for my fellow movie patrons.

Lengli... A Cooks Tour is totally awesome, but I recommend starting with his Kitchen Confidental; it's really the best entry point to what he's all about. His fiction stuff is great, too (if you like funny stories about the Mob).

Brooklyn... Keep ya posted on The Tudors. And yeah, totally with RENT... the movie was just sad and it was entirely due to the fact that people my age were acting all "fuck the man, art forever." It's like, seriously, get a job.

11:21 AM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

wait... you listen to the rent soundtrack??!?!!! i saw that atrocity of a play with and the wife,then girlfriend, ages ago. i remember turning to her 15 minutes into it and asking...they are literally going to sing every word for another 2 hours??! AW FUCKING HELL!

tony bourdain rocks! love his show and kitchen confidential. if you're a fan of meat,visit his restaurant. my wife DEVOURED her porkchops,and she's very much your salad type chick so for her to devour porkchops was an awesome sight.

11:41 AM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

and my personal fave john ritter role was him as the mall mangager in bad santa!

11:44 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

Oooh, yes, Lengli!

KC®™©™ was my first exposure to Anthony Bourdain®™©™. My former neighbor was a chef and he had lent it to me.

It's awesome.

12:14 PM  
Blogger Giggleloop said...

SNEAKING IN beer?! The theater I'm going to SELLS beer - in big cardboard pitchers even, that have tops like milk cartons, that you can take into the theater with you. It's ENCOURAGED even! I saw a guy come in there one time with a large pizza and set it on the seat next to him, for movietime munching. :D

12:57 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Jason... Now, don't get me wrong, I have a lot of love for RENT. It was a huge part of my nerdy, drama-club high school years. I just can't buy what it's selling anymore, ideologically speaking.

Giggleloop... Yeah, we don't really have a theater like that here in NYC. Back in Austin, however, we had the Alamo Drafthouse chain, which was the greatet movie watching experience ever. Lots of beer, awesome food, and a fun film-geek community vibe. Miss it, I do.

1:16 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Man, I could go for a Vap-O-Rub sandwich right now. I'd fill me up right and get rid of this whole "Todd can't breath" thing.

3:24 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Skip the sandwich; just eat the Vap-O-Rub. Straight from the jar. No chaser.

3:55 PM  
Blogger stew said...

I'm so going to go to the Alamo Drafthouse while I am here. Maybe.

I need to find a more permanent place to live. Where do you get sweet apartment hookups here? Don't say Craigs list cuz it's all like student apartments. Or, I mean, say it, but it's all student apartments. Or, I don't know, I'm shutting up now. Beer is good.

5:20 PM  

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