Thursday, April 03, 2008

Stuff You Put On Hamburgers

Cheese - God yes. Pile it on. Let the slices of cheese meld together like a science fiction orgy and cover the meat with the product of this holiest of unions. Having cheese on your burger is like the both of you screaming dirty words at each other during sex... it's not exactly required, but it sure as shit knocks the experience up a few notches. Personally, I like pepper-jack cheese, but cheddar, bleu, and even Muenster work too. But not Swiss. Swiss can go fuck itself in an alley with a broken pool cue and a tear in it's eye. Swiss cheese tastes sweaty when it gets warm and sweaty cheese sooooo doesn't work for me, burger-wise. Particularly since it reminds me of me when I eat. Which basically means that Swiss cheese is mocking my fat ass. Not cool, you son of a bitch dairy product. Not cool.

A Fried Egg - Putting a fried egg on your burger is like switching from smoking the occasional joint to shooting up black tar heroin into your tear ducts to level you out after you snorted so much cocaine, your head turned into a Scarface DVD. It's called overkill, kids; you don't need that much fattiness on your food. What's next, a side of Crisco dipping sauce? Switching from ground beef to John Goodman? Why don't you just raid a plastic surgery clinic's dumpster and shovel some liposuction drippings into your gaping, greasy maw while you're at it, you tubby sack of heart disease?

Bacon - Doye. Do I even have to say anything? Flip through the various pictures of me on ZFS! and you'll understand without even a hint of doubt that I am a man who loves bacon above all things. It's my Alpha and my Omega; I am the East, and bacon is the Sun; sisters, sisters, there were never such devoted sisters as bacon and myself. No... no... these are happy tears, my bacon friend. Happy, salty, hickory-smoked tears.

Ketchup - Nope. As we've discussed, ketchup belongs on fries. That's it. Keep it off your burgers or I will organize a Secret Police of condiment regulators that will make the Stasi look like The Babysitters Club. Mustard is the one true God. All others will be crushed beneath our boot heel.

Onions - Sure, if you really into never kissing or being kissed. I used to date a girl who, true story, would get extra onions on her burger. Trying to make out with her after that was like thrusting my face lips-first into the afterburner of an F-16.

Guacamole - I don't care if putting guac on your burger was something the head food technician at T.G.I. Friday's came up with and they really don't do that south of the border, down Mexico way... when I bite into a juicy, slutty cheeseburger that's running with guacamole like Sweeny Todd just slit it's throat, a sombrero appears on my head and then I'm suddenly ready to storm those fuckers at the Alamo y los muestra cómo hacemos las cosas hacia abajo en madre México!!! Er... sorry... but yeah, guacamole on a burger is a genius idea that will win somebody an Oscar for Best Picture if they ever decided to dramatize it's creation. If nothing else, it will at least be more deserving of the award than Crash.


Blogger Digital Fortress said...

That did it.

I'm off to Fuddruckers to get a delicious Southwest burger for lunch.

10:29 AM  
Blogger Ross said...

I like the commentary on burgers, and I like ICFC.

Why not combine the two?

Use some of your ICFC items to put as toppings on your next burger. I think we would all *love* to see you eat a burger topped with dried chili peppers, satay jellyfish, and pure aromatic fish.

This could be a beautiful merger that will leave you running for the toilet in about 30 seconds!

10:30 AM  
Blogger stew said...

I keep asking people here in Austin where I can get a good burger for when the burger craving comes, as we know it will. And everyone I ask gets this peculiarly holy look on their face and says, "I don't really eat burgers anymore." Which makes me want to kick them in the throat.

I hear it's Hutt's. Today may be the day.

11:08 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Digital... One of my friends eats at Fuddruckers so much, they're considering changing the name to Joelruckers. They have great burgers, but I've never lived near one long enough to really sample their wares on a regular basis.

Ross... Dare to dream, kiddo. That might be what we do for the ICFC season finale. Or maybe I'll eat a live chinese person. Who knows?!?!

Stew... Hutts is WAY overrated. Try Dirty Martin's down on Guadalupe, near campus. It looks like a run-down shack (because it is) but their burgers are off the chain.

11:12 AM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

Yeah, we lived close to the one in Fort Worth. Now the nearest one is actually a bit of a ride, but still worth it anyway.

Had an ostrich meat burger at the one in San Antonio, never would have thought meat from that silly ass bird would make such a good burger.

11:23 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Emu is also quite tasty.

11:30 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...



Good thing I am totally going out to lunch with new BFF Sixx today.


11:58 AM  
Blogger Hex said...

Oh man -- how could you forget Chili!?

12:08 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

That is the most accurate description of swiss cheese I have ever read.

Or maybe I'll eat a live chinese person

Don't bother. You know after half an hour you will be hungry again.

12:35 PM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

i guess i'm the only guy who loves his swiss cheese around these parts.

what's your take on mayo on a burger?? canadian bacon on a burger is especially tasty!

save the cannibalization of the chinese man for your very special thanksgiving episode of ICFC. with all the trimmings!

durian fruit cake anyone??

1:50 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Lioux... Sorry to make you hungry. I hope your lunch was most satisfactory.

Hex... See, I don't know, I'm not a big fan of the chili-burger concept. I like my chili in a bowl, with cheese and onions, not on a bun with extra meat. Also, I'm like the messiest eater ever, so chili-burgers are bad for my clothing.

Todd... Thanks, I happen to agree. On both points, actually.

Jason... I'm okay with mayo *sometimes* but only on special occasions. Candian bacon is not as good as regular bacon and, thus, shouldn't be on a burger. Durian should not be served to anyone at in time or any form. Fruit cake, especially.

2:32 PM  
Blogger Stephen said...

I get what you are saying. But claiming that fried eggs are too fatty, immediately followed by a ringing endorsement for bacon....

Having grown up in Hawaii where the Loco Moco was king (hamburger, fried eggs and gravy on top of rice) it's a miracle I didn't have to give myself bypasses to get up in the morning.

2:52 PM  
Blogger Lioux said...


I just got back from lunch.

I had a big ol' PIZZA Burger. Deluxe.

While I'm not 'Thanksgiving' full, I am MOST satisfied.

3:00 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Stephen... I'm a man of many contridictions, what can I say? The Loco Moco sounds pretty good, though.

Lioux... Mmmm, pizza-burger. Tastiness, Italian style.

3:29 PM  
Blogger Lioux said...


I was originally go for the diner breakfast/lunch thing.

But your damn post made me wanna burger in the worst way.

3:58 PM  
Anonymous J. said...

I'll go ahead and defend Swiss as well, especially if there are mushrooms involved. I'm surprised, since you come from Sonic-land, that there was no mention of jalapeno's. Also, although you and I are on different ends of the enjoyment spectrum when it comes to musicals, even I enjoyed Sweeny Todd.

4:43 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

See, the thing about posts like this is that I try to not cover every single thing about a given topic... I never know when I'm going to be stuck for something to write about and need to do a sequel of sorts to a previous post.

That being said, jalapenos on a burger are top notch. Particularly at Whataburger.

4:52 PM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

I just read these outloud to my my coworkers- who were laughing their asses off!


6:41 PM  
Blogger stew said...

While I'm not 'Thanksgiving' full, I am MOST satisfied.

That's what she said.

6:49 PM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

Not on Burgers Or Dogs? what the hell my man, KETCHUP is such a Slash type of condiment and yet all you let it do is run little Curls on French Fries... Give Ketchup the football and let him create? Ketchup is the Pre Dog fight Michael Vick of condiments... A running and Throwing threat, a true athlete of the condiment variety...... Oh the HUMANITY....

10:07 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Jew... Your co-workers have excellent taste!

Stew... (rimshot)

Bill... Sorry, dude. Ketchup is like that retarded guy that works in the bar, picking up empty glasses for a cut of the bartender's tips: It's only good for one thing.

8:22 AM  

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