Stuff You Put On Hamburgers

Cheese - God yes. Pile it on. Let the slices of cheese meld together like a science fiction orgy and cover the meat with the product of this holiest of unions. Having cheese on your burger is like the both of you screaming dirty words at each other during sex... it's not exactly required, but it sure as shit knocks the experience up a few notches. Personally, I like pepper-jack cheese, but cheddar, bleu, and even Muenster work too. But not Swiss. Swiss can go fuck itself in an alley with a broken pool cue and a tear in it's eye. Swiss cheese tastes sweaty when it gets warm and sweaty cheese sooooo doesn't work for me, burger-wise. Particularly since it reminds me of me when I eat. Which basically means that Swiss cheese is mocking my fat ass. Not cool, you son of a bitch dairy product. Not cool.

A Fried Egg - Putting a fried egg on your burger is like switching from smoking the occasional joint to shooting up black tar heroin into your tear ducts to level you out after you snorted so much cocaine, your head turned into a Scarface DVD. It's called overkill, kids; you don't need that much fattiness on your food. What's next, a side of Crisco dipping sauce? Switching from ground beef to John Goodman? Why don't you just raid a plastic surgery clinic's dumpster and shovel some liposuction drippings into your gaping, greasy maw while you're at it, you tubby sack of heart disease?

Bacon - Doye. Do I even have to say anything? Flip through the various pictures of me on ZFS! and you'll understand without even a hint of doubt that I am a man who loves bacon above all things. It's my Alpha and my Omega; I am the East, and bacon is the Sun; sisters, sisters, there were never such devoted sisters as bacon and myself. No... no... these are happy tears, my bacon friend. Happy, salty, hickory-smoked tears.

Ketchup - Nope. As we've discussed, ketchup belongs on fries. That's it. Keep it off your burgers or I will organize a Secret Police of condiment regulators that will make the Stasi look like The Babysitters Club. Mustard is the one true God. All others will be crushed beneath our boot heel.

Onions - Sure, if you really into never kissing or being kissed. I used to date a girl who, true story, would get extra onions on her burger. Trying to make out with her after that was like thrusting my face lips-first into the afterburner of an F-16.

Guacamole - I don't care if putting guac on your burger was something the head food technician at T.G.I. Friday's came up with and they really don't do that south of the border, down Mexico way... when I bite into a juicy, slutty cheeseburger that's running with guacamole like Sweeny Todd just slit it's throat, a sombrero appears on my head and then I'm suddenly ready to storm those fuckers at the Alamo y los muestra cómo hacemos las cosas hacia abajo en madre México!!! Er... sorry... but yeah, guacamole on a burger is a genius idea that will win somebody an Oscar for Best Picture if they ever decided to dramatize it's creation. If nothing else, it will at least be more deserving of the award than Crash.