Friday, March 28, 2008

Does Anyone Want To Date My Friend?


Name: Salty Carl
Age: Late 40s, but looks much older due to exposure
Location: McCarren Park, mostly; the G train when it rains
Occupation: Stabbin'
Interests: Liquor, liquor stores, young kids that will buy him liquor, hot soup spiked with liquor, people not touching his bedroll, Huey Lewis and the News, a good stabbin' knife
Dislikes: Cops, "the shakes," when you buy liquor and then drop it because of "the shakes," people touching his bedroll, getting stabbed for his liquor, Jean-Luc Godard, getting rotten places between his toes, coughing up black stuff in the mornings, any ethnicity other than his own.
Personal Testimony: I've known Salty Carl for years and he's pretty much the best boyfriend a girl or guy could ever have, provided you buy him lots of liquor and give him spare change when he shouts for it. He's good for protection (stabbin' is his life), he can tell you where the best places in the city are to fall down dead-drunk for a fortnight and not get hassled, and he'll take you to some of the cleanest, well-funded soup kitchens you've ever seen. Seriously though, don't touch his bedroll. He fucking goes off when that happens. Anyway, if you want to date my friend Salty Carl, feel free to shoot me an email. And... um... be quick about it. He's claiming squatter's rights in my apartment and Girlfriend is starting to get creeped out by his constant, screaming night terrors. Which he won't have if you date him. Guaranteed!*
*not a guarantee

13 Comments:

Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

Dibs!

10:48 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

You're a lucky lady. Again... I can't stress this enough... DO NOT TOUCH HIS BEDROLL.

11:02 AM  
Blogger GiveEmHellHarry said...

Dad?

11:19 AM  
Anonymous Salty Carl said...

I didn't sire no goddamn Truman baby! YEEE HEEE HAW!!!

(does an old prospecter jig)

11:45 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Salty Carl, dammit, get off of my computer!

11:46 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

"Age: Late 40s, but looks much older due to exposure"

Exposure to what?!?!

Oh, and Très Sexy.

Whistle up

Whistle down.

12:29 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

He had me at "Huey Lewis and the News". I think I might just go gay for Salty Carl!

12:35 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Lioux... The elements. And toxic hobo fumes.

Todd... And he'd go gay for you! Or, rather, a warm place to sleep and easy access to large quantities of liquor.

12:50 PM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

If he comes in unsalted flavor I just may have a love connection for Carl.

Here isLoretta's glamour shot.

12:56 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Oh good. I'm much better at the whole liquor thing anyway.

1:51 PM  
Anonymous lengli said...

Dammit, he sounds perfect for me except for the fact that I'm a Godard fan. Is there any chance we can meet in the middle and watch Truffaut films?

2:00 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Digital... That's his ex-wife, dude. AWKWARD!

Todd... Him too. That's like his skill.

Lengli... Sorry, dude. He's really not a fan of the French New-Wave. He's really more into Bergman's somber, religious allegories. He also likes movies where people have sex with animals.

2:12 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

is he by any chance related to stew-builder dennis? or iron-foot fitzfancy?

i love me some hobos.

7:03 PM  

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