Does Anyone Want To Date My Friend?

Name: Salty Carl

Age: Late 40s, but looks much older due to exposure

Location: McCarren Park, mostly; the G train when it rains

Occupation: Stabbin'

Interests: Liquor, liquor stores, young kids that will buy him liquor, hot soup spiked with liquor, people not touching his bedroll, Huey Lewis and the News, a good stabbin' knife

Dislikes: Cops, "the shakes," when you buy liquor and then drop it because of "the shakes," people touching his bedroll, getting stabbed for his liquor, Jean-Luc Godard, getting rotten places between his toes, coughing up black stuff in the mornings, any ethnicity other than his own.

Personal Testimony: I've known Salty Carl for years and he's pretty much the best boyfriend a girl or guy could ever have, provided you buy him lots of liquor and give him spare change when he shouts for it. He's good for protection (stabbin' is his life), he can tell you where the best places in the city are to fall down dead-drunk for a fortnight and not get hassled, and he'll take you to some of the cleanest, well-funded soup kitchens you've ever seen. Seriously though, don't touch his bedroll. He fucking goes off when that happens. Anyway, if you want to date my friend Salty Carl, feel free to shoot me an email. And... um... be quick about it. He's claiming squatter's rights in my apartment and Girlfriend is starting to get creeped out by his constant, screaming night terrors. Which he won't have if you date him. Guaranteed!*

*not a guarantee