Monday, March 24, 2008

It Came From Chinatown...

One of the interesting side effects of the ICFC project is that, occasionally, the product that I try will accidentally ruin all other products of it's kind for me forever. Examples: The Grass Jelly made me never want to walk barefoot across a freshly-mowed lawn again, the dried lily flowers made me immediate suspicious of all plants, and, of course, the durian made me want to destroy all the things in the world that are or ever have been alive. I mean sometimes things are fine... the Satay Jelly Fish was nasty, but I feel no residual ill-will towards marine life... but mostly, yeah, we're just shutting the lights off, one food sub-group at a time.

This week's thing that I'll never be able to eat again without contemplating a loaded gun? Eggs! The perp... Canned Quail Eggs:

Incidentally, when I finally get around to making It Came From Chinatown: The Record, that picture is going to be our album cover. It's going to be bigger than Sgt. Pepper's, and that's a guarantee. Now I've just got to learn to play an instrument. And have talent. Anyway, we're talking about canned quail eggs, here, not my eventual musical stardom (it's going to happen, man... someday). Here's a good look at the can:

This might be a result of my having spent way too many long, lonely nights watching science fiction and horror movies, but those eggs look mighty threatening. Like they're about to hatch, releasing forth from their albumen-soaked innards a horrific creature that's going to rip apart a bunch of perky, gratuitously naked teens. Not helping matters, this:

We're on a far-away planet and we're exploring a cave and there, off in a corner, is a deep trench filled with the eggs of a pants-shittingly terrifying creature and they're moving around like something is trying to break free and OH MY GOD, HERE COMES THE MOTHER.... AAAAIIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!

Ahem... yes, well... anyway, here's a good shot of one of the little fuckers next to a regular, non-frightening, chicken egg. Note the size difference. Also, we cut one of the canned eggs in half to show you what fresh hell is lurking on it's inside:

The white part of the quail egg was rubbery and slick, like a dodgeball that's been dipped in olive oil. The yellow stuff was creamy to the touch, like a thick lotion; it was also the only part of the egg, egg-soaking liquid, and the can that gave off an odor. It smelled... unsurprisingly... like old eggs. Which you can assume means that I'm about to really start questioning the decisions I've made in my life up until this point. Here we go:

Okay, so here's the weird thing: This is the first food I've ever had that was both without a taste and horrible tasting. More on that in a second, but let me first say this... I really like hard-boiled eggs. They're tasty and it's fun to peel them and if you mix them up with a bunch of mustard and other junk, you get a lovely egg salad. Picnic food! That being said, hard-boiled eggs are good only if you eat them within a couple of days of their cooking. Letting them hang around for a while is a bad idea. And, hey, you know what else is a bad idea? Canning them and letting them rest on a shelf in some Chinatown grocery store since, by my guess, the early days of the Reagan administration. Gaze upon the displeased face of C-dog:

Let me guide you through the flavors (such as they are) as they make themselves known: The immediate thing that you notice is an overwhelming blandness, which tastes sort of like you're being suffocated by a beige pillow. There's an undefinable nothingness to them, and it's rubbery too; biting into a canned quail egg is, at first, like chewing on an inner tube. Then you hit the creamy center, which as it turns out is where all the flavor has been hiding. Needless to say, it should have stayed hidden. This is where the smell of old eggs comes to die. The third flavor, however, is the most disturbing... after a couple of chews, your entire mouth tastes like metal, like you've been deep-throating a roll of tin foil. Obviously this comes from the eggs being in a can, but... damn... how long does your product have to be in there to take on the taste of it's packaging? I'm going to stick by my original "Reagan administration" guesstimate, but I wouldn't rule out Carter or even Nixon at this point.
Now, in thinking about the concept of canned quail eggs, I was forced to ask myself the question, "Just what in the hell would you can them in, liquid-wise?" Something murky, yellowish, and unfathomably evil, no doubt. Which naturally lead me to a follow-up: "What would the egg liquid taste like on it's own?" Let's find out:

Remember: Everything I do, I do it for you:

Yikes. That metallic taste I mentioned? Yeah, the liquid is that times fifty to the power of three. And it's slightly salty, as well as stale, brackish and thick. It's probably what it would be like to drink a robot's blood. Kids, I mean this, never drink the canning liquid used to package quail eggs. Doing so only leads to heartbreak, a loss of faith in humanity, and, more than likely, some sort of horrible, metal-based cancer.
So, the overall verdict on canned quail eggs?

Note how coated my tongue is. That can't be good. Although I will say this about the whole experience: It was nice to find something in Chinatown that didn't taste like a dead animal for once. Not that the "old eggs and the material in which they were packaged" flavor combo was desirable in the least. Still, though... it was a nice/gross change of pace.
See y'all next week!!!


Blogger Ross said...

Have I mentioned lately how I appreciate the way you put yourself in bodily harm just for our entertainment (with some nice smilies included)?

Well, I do.

9:57 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

You know, Clinton. I must say I'm a little disappointed with this post. It was the perfect opportunity to tie ICFC in with the Easter holiday season.

It could've been an ICFC®™©™ Special Edish. You could've decorated the quail eggs with colorful dyes and worn a bunny suit instead of that AC/DC®™©™ For Those About To Rock tee.

Maybe someone was smokin' a little too much of the Easter Grass?!?!!

10:03 AM  
Blogger Sally Tomato said...

Of all the shite you've consumed thus far, this is the post that really made me want to vomit while reading it. *shudder*

10:05 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Ross... Why thank you! It's my only talent (other than tap dancing).

Lioux... ICFC isn't tied to the seasons. It is eternal, just like AC/DC's "For Those About To Rock." That was the point I was making. Also, what's Easter?

Sally... Yeah, the egg-juice was crossing a very distinct line. But it had to be done.

10:17 AM  
Blogger GiveEmHellHarry said...

I actually think the For Those About to Rock tee should be the official uniform for ICFC, with the song being the official theme music. It will lend an air of gravitas to the whole procedure.

10:32 AM  
Anonymous David said...

Should reading ZFS ICFC be considered watching someone commit suicide on the internet. It is only a matter of time before we see snapshots form girlfriend of you on the floor convulsing in pain and agony as your body shuts down from whatever toxin she happened to pick up that day, or that have been slowly accumulating over the weeks from various noxious foodstuffs. I mean come on if they put lead in their children's toys and send out tainted medicine. Fuck you are doomed dude. Keep it up.

10:43 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

Oooh, Clinton!

Easter is a magical time of year when people eat all sorts of wonderful treats like CHOCOLATE eggs and all sorts of exotic game like bunny and fowl made out of MARSHMALLOW.

Oh. And people also like to rock pastel colors, too.

10:44 AM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

I am glad that I know not to eat canned quail eggs. I might cry if the desire to eat eggs was taken away from me. I salute you, C-dog, for going where no man should ever go.

11:13 AM  
Blogger surviving myself said...

Everything I do, I do it for you

I appreciate the bryan adams reference, even if no one else does. well done.

11:57 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Harry... That, or a shirt with "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" on it. Because it's not like I'm getting paid for eating this stuff.

David... I'm immune to all toxins because I'm from another planet called Awesome-topia. Or something.

Lioux... Pastels make me look like Louie Anderson.

Brooklyn... It's nice to find one's calling. Thanks for the salute; I'm returning it to you all somber and meaningful like Alan Alda in the last episode of MASH.

Surviving... Thank you. Bryan Adams paid me in beer to put that in there. It was Molsons, but still.

12:05 PM  
Blogger i i eee said...

Is your ICFC graphic button in your sidebar available for people to link from their own blogs? And if so, got the html code? For I am lazy, but really ICFC should be shared with one and all!

1:30 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

That's a very good question. I'm sure there's a way to share the code, but I'm not... er... technically proficient enough to tell people how to do it. I'll check with the ZFS! Tech Support Crew (B-dog) and see what he has to say on the subject. I'll keep you, as well as everyone else who'd like to have the button, posted.

2:28 PM  
Blogger Lioux said... long as you're sharing code and everything, I'd like to add a link to ICFC®™©™ from B2BR too.

3:55 PM  
Blogger Hex said...

Isn't it about time to reward yourself with one of those naked women covered in sushi?

Thumbs up guaranteed.

4:25 PM  
Anonymous J. said...

Well, I have nothing to add, language-wise. The packaging is pretty straightforward, it just says "quail eggs". I think I feel a little of your pain, though. I once ate a pickled egg as the result of a bar bet. The result was that my $50+ bar tab was paid but also a stale egg/nutmeg-like taste in my mouth. The eggs in question were on a shelf above the register and, in retrospect, were probably intended to have been decorative in nature. I suffered no long term ill effects.

4:33 PM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

lioux is completely wrong!! (sorry lioux)

the best thing about this post is the fact that you are wearing a tee that gloriously states...


and sporting the tounge a la gene simmons!!

nothing says rock and roll like decaying quail eggs.

4:44 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Lioux... Most excellent. I'll see what I can do.

Hex... Sadly, ICFC doesn't have a naked-sushi-girl sort of budget. Unless they cost, like, two dollars. Um... DO they cost two dollars? If so, I'll just do that every week.

J... Thanks, dude. I figured there probably wasn't any label mystery this go around. But yeah, I think I'll be alright; I was a little worried about drinking metal flavored water though. that just seems unhealthy.

Jason... They certainly tasted like rock and roll. Or, you know, like a dead rock star.

5:14 PM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

As always I enjoyed your ICFC post! Transcending language, culture and noxious foodstuffs to bring entertainment to the interwebs. Thanks Clinton!

6:02 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Oh, dude. I was grinding my teeth the entire time I read this! It looked brutal man, just brutal...

7:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...







7:29 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Digital... Thanks, dude. It's all I know how to do.

Todd... It wasn't as bad as some stuff (durian), but it wasn't great.

Phoenix... Your reaction to this post is a little vague. Did you not care for the sight of egg-juice being sipped?

7:38 PM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

Clint you're so good to us!!! Thank you for your sacrifices


2:45 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home