Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Arbitrary Rulings 13

Dentist Appointments - I recognize that dentists are a good thing. They take care of our teeth, they keep us from looking like Shane MacGowan, and they only occasionally molest us when we're under anesthesia... they're like superheroes in white coats, only instead of flying around and melting bad guys with their heat vision, they chip tarter off of your teeth and hector little kids about flossing as soon as the Tooth Fairy makes her final appearance. Good souls, dentists, unquestionably... except for one thing: They're totally evil. I mean, have you seen some of those tools they use? The drill thing that's got all those attachments and makes a noise like a pureed cat? What kind of thrill-kill junkie grows up with an ambition to wield one of those things, and to cram it into an innocent person's mouth, no less? Sickos, perverts, and probably Satan-worshipers, every single one of them. They make Jeremy Irons in Dead Ringers look like a bright pink vagina made out of flowers. Fucking twisted tooth-fetish freaks. They horrify and disgust me. Anyway, I have a dentist appointment today. I don't anticipate that it's going to go well.

Eggs - Delicious! Particularly when scrambled or fried or whipped together with a bunch of leftovers and made into an omelet early on a Saturday morning by an attractive girl that's wearing one of your shirts. Eggs "the morning after" are like the gold stars or scratch-n'-sniff stickers that your teacher would put on your math test when you answered all the problems correctly and made sure to show your work. In this scenario, "math test" represents "crazy, filthy sex" and "showing your work" means "foreplay that didn't consist entirely of you taking off your socks." Just so we're clear.

March Madness - I don't care about college basketball. There, I said it. I assume that this makes me less of a man, but there's nothing I can do about it. Here's me, and here's any interest I could possibly have in the world of NCAA hoops (I'm holding my arms really far apart, but you can't see that because this is the internet). It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I only kinda, sorta went to college. Yes, I attended UT for a little while, but still... most of my time there was spent doing nothing whatsoever, and then when I *did* finish up my school, it was at a specialty, film-specific type thing where we barely had teachers, much less any sort of a sports team. So maybe it's that. Oh, and it could also be that this whole bracket system is really hard to understand for we slower types with no education and an attention span that can only be measured with those special MIT clocks that go down the quintillionth of a second.

Yazoo - They're this synthpop duo from England that broke up a long time ago, but are now apparently going back on tour. I like them, but then again I'm also a really big fan of Human League; I'm predisposed to this sort of music, in other words. The singer, Alison Moyet, sounds like the future's next permutation of the word "Diva," but with a throat made of ice and a detachment from the songs that you could build a suspension bridge across. The other member of the band, Vince Clarke, plays the keyboard. Oh, and writes all the songs, too, but whatever, he's not the reason you'd want to get into Yazoo (he looks like a Icelandic art-gallery owner with a drug problem and a closet full of leather pants). The songs that they make are filled with all the bleepy, bloopy, we've-just-discovered-computers sounds that were so popular back in the 80's, but try not to hold that against them... they're a lot of cool, distant fun for nights when you're over the world and just feel like settling in to whatever your definition of isolation happens to be.

When I do these sorts of posts, I usually like to have five different points of discussion. Today, for some reason, I'm kind of blanking on anything else to write about. Maybe it's the building anxiety of my looming dentist appointment, maybe it's because I'm still a little bonkers from the cold medicine and focusing on stuff is kind of like trying to operate a video camera after a six-pack of beer and a few tequila shooters... who knows, my darlings, who knows? Certainly not me. So let's just pretend that I wrote about a fifth thing, that it was hilarious, and that this post makes you want shower me with high-paying magazine jobs and naked pictures of yourself or your attractive loved ones. Pretending is fun!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am looking forward to our next appointment, Clinton!

10:14 AM  
Blogger Giggleloop said...

Holy crap, the Eggs link gave me the finger! Those are some badass eggs!

11:10 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Dr. Hermey... Are you hitting on me?

Giggleloop... Whoa! That's, um, interesting. Will have to fix that.

11:12 AM  
Blogger Kitty said...

Are they really called Yazoo? I always though it was just Yaz???

I coulda sworn I had a casette of them in 8th grade that just said Yazoo like the UK name of the band that I never knew about??

11:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

College Basketball blows... but do you know what doesn't blow??

BETTING on College Basketball... somehow gambling makes things much more fascinating.

I may have a problem... I'm looking into it

11:33 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Kitty... No, you're totally right. They went by Yazoo in England and Yaz in America. I'm sure there's a story as to why that is, exactly, but I don't know it. Weird, though.

Scott... Yeah, I've got to stay away from the gambling. When I lived in California, I got involved with an informal NFL pool at the restaurant that I worked at. It... um... didn't go so well for me. Burned once, shame on me. Burned twice, I'm a fucking idiot.

11:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I used to hate going to the dentist. She was always shoving things in my mouth and making me gag. Until she finally gave up on my gagging and uncomfortable wiggling and now makes me take drugs before I go see her. Now I am happy as could be and most of the time I don't even remember what she does to me. She is happy, I am happy, my teeth are happy.

12:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think Yazoo was forced to change their name so they did not rekindle the bad blood dealing with the Yazoo land frauds way back in 1796 with us, the British, the Spanish, and not to forget the Indians. Although I could possible be wrong about this.

12:54 PM  
Blogger Nicole said...

Wow, Yaz was the name of my old birth control. Weird.

"I assume that this makes me less of a man"


1:20 PM  
Blogger stew said...

I remember when whether or not you were cool depended on whether you called a certain band "Wham! UK" or just "Wham." I can't remember what band this was in reference to, though.

1:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Was it the Kinks?

2:09 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Not liking March Madness does make you less of a man. Sorry dude.

But, at least you realize this.

3:28 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Vince Clarke was also in Erasure, Depeche Mode, and The Assembly.

Fun facts.

I'm a geek.

3:39 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

David... I did not get any drugs. Sad face.

Just Sayin'... I don't think that's strictly accurate, hitorically speaking.

Brooklyn... You can also use Yaz CDs for birth control. But they really hurt.

Stew... Paul Revere & The Raiders

Surviving... I'm comfortable being the kind of guy who focuses all his sports attention on baseball and football. Also, I'm comfortable wearing this pretty dress I bought on sale!

Big Daddy... Geeks are always welcome at ZFS!

3:51 PM  
Blogger TFKoP said...

hahahahaha! That fifth thing you said.....whoaaaa! That was sooo funny! You're brilliant! That is possibly the Funniest. Thing. EVER!

hahaha! I'm gonna be laughing at that for days....

5:56 PM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

Even as random as this post was it was still very enjoyable.

Especially the YAZ link. I hadn't heard them in ages. I used to totally rock their "Upstairs at Eric's" album. Them and Depeche Mode.

I hope your dentist doesn't do anything untoward after he gases you with nitrous oxide.

8:00 PM  
Blogger i like cheese said...

When I heard Yaz(oo) was touring I went into a total frenzy and new that if I did not get tix I was going to die a horrible death.
And then I saw that they were $65 bucks a pop. And I decided "who the hell is gonna pay $65 bucks for a band that's named after birth control?
Funny how fickle a girl becomes when money is involved!

9:09 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

I showed my work all the time and my teacher never gave me blow jobs. I mean, that is what you meant, right?

Also, I too am not a fan of March Madness.

10:42 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

TFKOP... Exactly. Everything's going according to plan.

Digital... Upstairs at Eric's was pretty good, but I liked their other one better. The one with the dalmations on the cover.

Cheese... Yeah, fuck that. I like them n' junk, but I don't $65 dollars-worth like them.

Todd... Yeah, that's exactly what I meant. All my teachers are in jail! Also, nice to have someone on my side re: the march madness not liking thing.

8:31 AM  

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