St. Patrick's Day Hats: A Pictorial

Tiny Leprechaun Hat



Jesus, dude, what the fuck did Ireland ever do to you. Do you think that's clever? Do you think it's cute? Because when we look at you, we don't see a goofy, fun guy with a taste for Guinness and a love of partyin' down. No, we see a mid-level marketing manager who thinks he could be an actor if he wanted to, but instead channels his frustrations into being a cut-up that makes all the fat secretaries laugh. Your shamrock glasses are like windows to that dark, murky swamp you call a soul; all we can see is you crying, all we can hear is you saying, "a tiny little hat will make people love me... it just has to... it just has to!!!"

Shamrock Pimp Hat



This is actually a great, socially-conscious product because it lets the general public know which guys down at Paddy O'McBlarneyshitters have STDs. I will never, as long as I live, understand the meathead mentality that makes early-20s "bros" think pimps are cool. Pimps aren't cool. They're slave-owners that drive Cadillacs and consider giving heroin to 15-year-old runaways an act of charity. Wearing hats that invoke their memory is the same thing as saying you're cool with beating on women and it makes me want to throw you into that big machine press that they used to kill the Terminator in Terminator. Oh, and wearing a pimp hat festooned with shamrocks is a great way to get a group of guys named Shaun, Michael, Tommy, and Nick to stomp on your head until your brains run down the back of your throat like a loogie.

St. Pat's Top Hat



You're a Dr. Seuss character that likes raves, but you're also one-eighteenth Irish and you want the world to know it! But what do you wear? How can you combine the two most annoying aspects of your personality... an addiction to house music and Ecstasy and your crippling desire to be accepted by a group of people that have to like you because you're totally one of them, you swear... into an annoying, felt-based head covering that will act like a landing strip for all the people around you's collective bad vibes and ill will? How??? There must be a way!!!

Shamrock Hat



This hat is fantastic, but not because it's a shamrock. If you wear it like that, you're a drunk college Freshman that's given up on being attractive and is just shooting for "wacky" in the desperate hope that a theater chick will think you're artistic and then touch your penis. No, if you turn this hat sideways, you're suddenly the Giant, Green, Chicken of Doom and you can cruise around campus hucking eggs at people and laughing and laughing and vomiting up Jager shots and laughing and passing out on the quad and getting picked up by the security guards and trying to explain to your parents why you got expelled. It's more than a hat; it's the beginning of an unsatisfying life spent wishing you had studied harder!

Leprechaun Bowler

You're thinking "Awwww, c'mon Dad... you're so embarrassing!!!" But you'd never say that out loud because sometimes your father lets you drink beer with him on the couch during basketball games, not to mention the fact that he doesn't know how to express his feelings, so instead he just buys you lots of video games and expensive clothes from the mall. You're mortified when he goofs around with your friends all lame like this, but it's going to be worth it when Grand Theft Auto IV comes out, you totally know it.