Monday, March 17, 2008

St. Patrick's Day Hats: A Pictorial

Tiny Leprechaun Hat

Jesus, dude, what the fuck did Ireland ever do to you. Do you think that's clever? Do you think it's cute? Because when we look at you, we don't see a goofy, fun guy with a taste for Guinness and a love of partyin' down. No, we see a mid-level marketing manager who thinks he could be an actor if he wanted to, but instead channels his frustrations into being a cut-up that makes all the fat secretaries laugh. Your shamrock glasses are like windows to that dark, murky swamp you call a soul; all we can see is you crying, all we can hear is you saying, "a tiny little hat will make people love me... it just has to... it just has to!!!"

Shamrock Pimp Hat

This is actually a great, socially-conscious product because it lets the general public know which guys down at Paddy O'McBlarneyshitters have STDs. I will never, as long as I live, understand the meathead mentality that makes early-20s "bros" think pimps are cool. Pimps aren't cool. They're slave-owners that drive Cadillacs and consider giving heroin to 15-year-old runaways an act of charity. Wearing hats that invoke their memory is the same thing as saying you're cool with beating on women and it makes me want to throw you into that big machine press that they used to kill the Terminator in Terminator. Oh, and wearing a pimp hat festooned with shamrocks is a great way to get a group of guys named Shaun, Michael, Tommy, and Nick to stomp on your head until your brains run down the back of your throat like a loogie.

St. Pat's Top Hat

You're a Dr. Seuss character that likes raves, but you're also one-eighteenth Irish and you want the world to know it! But what do you wear? How can you combine the two most annoying aspects of your personality... an addiction to house music and Ecstasy and your crippling desire to be accepted by a group of people that have to like you because you're totally one of them, you swear... into an annoying, felt-based head covering that will act like a landing strip for all the people around you's collective bad vibes and ill will? How??? There must be a way!!!

Shamrock Hat

This hat is fantastic, but not because it's a shamrock. If you wear it like that, you're a drunk college Freshman that's given up on being attractive and is just shooting for "wacky" in the desperate hope that a theater chick will think you're artistic and then touch your penis. No, if you turn this hat sideways, you're suddenly the Giant, Green, Chicken of Doom and you can cruise around campus hucking eggs at people and laughing and laughing and vomiting up Jager shots and laughing and passing out on the quad and getting picked up by the security guards and trying to explain to your parents why you got expelled. It's more than a hat; it's the beginning of an unsatisfying life spent wishing you had studied harder!

Leprechaun Bowler

You're thinking "Awwww, c'mon Dad... you're so embarrassing!!!" But you'd never say that out loud because sometimes your father lets you drink beer with him on the couch during basketball games, not to mention the fact that he doesn't know how to express his feelings, so instead he just buys you lots of video games and expensive clothes from the mall. You're mortified when he goofs around with your friends all lame like this, but it's going to be worth it when Grand Theft Auto IV comes out, you totally know it.


Blogger Lioux said...

I have gotten quite an education on Hats AND Fashion in the few weeks I've been back on the internets thanks to ZFS!

In honor of St. Patrick's Day I switched all of the traffic lights lenses in my town over to green.

1:40 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

I try to educate as well as entertain.

1:53 PM  
Blogger Andrea B. said...

that shamrock pimp hat is F-L-Y. fly!

2:44 PM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

Nothing screams "Punch me in the face I'm not even remotely Irish" like a St. Patrick's Day Hat. Combine it with a green wig and your ready for a beat down.

The David Spade look-alike with the tiny hat did give me a chuckle though.

2:46 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Andrea... You mispelled "the worst thing ever" as "F-L-Y." Just a heads up.

Digital... I saw five people in green wigs just crossing the street to the Duane Reade. I've never wished harder for the power to set people on fire with my mind.

3:00 PM  
Anonymous nancy said...

This is just one girls opinion, but I think you might be one of the funniest people on the internet, c-dawg.

3:21 PM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

the only thing worse than these are the douche bags that where santa caps during xmas time! but i'm sure you educated us on that already. i just missed that class.

and as far as mr. pimp hat goes...
i'm sure shamus,ian,sean,and mickey would stomp his ignorant ass into the floorboards before he even downed his first cocktail.

4:34 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Nancy... That's very nice of you to say. I think some other folk that actually get *paid* for their funniness would disagree with you, but it's nice to hear all the same.

Jason... Don't think I've touched on santa hats yet in my ongoing magnum opus of hat commentaries (what am I doing with my life), but perhaps I'll get there one day.

5:12 PM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

Clinton, Andrea is probably right, you may be the funniest blogger out there on a consistant basis. You have made Ketchup funny to me... Hats are now funny ...Old people, weird chinese food. you are like midas with the funny...You are just undiscovered and misallocated ---Someday though an SNL writer or someone like that will discover you and you will be paid...someone call Tina Fey get this man in his proper career as a comedy writer

8:29 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Well now I'm blushing clear down to my socks. Also, my socks are blushing. Thanks for saying so, dude!

9:33 AM  
Blogger Frederick Milton said...

The last one was the best picture. I am still laughing a loud because I think that he looks like a real gnome took out from a cartoon. Don't be a gnome use General Viagra

3:32 PM  

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