Friday, March 14, 2008

Friday Morning Hodgepodge

-I'm getting sick, and it's so uncool, it's wearing polyester pants and talking about how rad Sauron was with his big eye and his Mount Doom and his beating up on Ian McKellen. But I knew this was coming. See, Girlfriend has been ill all week and, since we live together and smooch a lot, the disease was bound to end up in my body eventually. I have also not ruled out the possibility that she's been spitting in my mouth while I sleep, just as a goof. Anyway, I'm feeling lousy this morning... my current symptoms are:

1. That big Monty Python cartoon foot stomping down on my chest
2. The tracks of fire left by Doc and Marty's DeLorean running through my nasal cavities
3. A cough that sounds like Jabba the Hut laughing

That's right, I've got a cold so pop culture savvy, it could host it's own show on VH1. I think Michael Ian Black is in my left lung right now.


Hey, like, I don't follow the news a whole lot because, for whatever reason, CNN never reports about me and my awesomeness, so pardon my ignorance but... um... did New York's Governor have sex with a blind, black guy to settle an $80,000 bet over the quality of a song on some hooker's MySpace page? Because that's what I've been able to pick up thus far by glancing at people's NY Post and Daily News covers and half-watching the news bulletins during the commercial breaks on King of Queens reruns and... you know... that story doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Clearly I'm missing something. Is one of them Osama Bin Laden? Because otherwise, I don't get it.


It's March 14th and the two meatheads that sit across from me are still talking about the Giants winning the Super Bowl. Don't get me wrong, it was awesome... no denying that... but come the hell on. Go meet a girl and find out what blowjobs are like. Or maybe flip around the TV dial and catch a classic movie on TCM to broaden your horizons. Or, at the very least, stop talking about it in voices so loud that the hot dog vendor down the street is like, "I know, I know... David Tyree's catch was one-in-a-million, but please gentlemen, I beg of you, I'm trying to focus on selling my hot dogs."


This weekend, I'm going to watch this one movie called Sorcerer, that for reasons not yet clear, has nothing to do with actual Sorcerers. It's about Roy Scheider and a group of mercenaries driving a truck full of nitro-glycerin through the jungle in South America. Which, it should be noted, won the 1977 Nobel Prize for the Most Manly Plot Ever. I'm totally jazzed for this; I'm hoping that me watching it will compensate for my ABBA-centric post earlier this week. I'll let you know how it is.


Ugh, I have to go do work now. Because I'm sooooo into inputting invoices on a Friday when I feel like ass-crack and want only to be wrapped in a Vick's VapoRub cocoon. I mean, jeez... today is the worse thing that's ever happened to anybody in the whole world. Why do you torment me, Jesus? Is it because of that one time that I pantsed you in front of the apostles and Paul and John couldn't stop laughing until after the Sabbath? Because I already apologized for that. Twice!


Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

Zombie, I hate it for you that you have the vh1 flu that is going around. but its probably karma for your stance regarding Ketchup as a condiment on a hot dog. Which, by the way,Ketchup is supposed to be on a hot dog.... but why am I telling you this... Its like trying to sell atheism to jesus...signed a guy who is NOT sick, because he has Karma on his side...

9:58 AM  
Blogger The Brooklyn Boy said...

Girlfriends sleep spitting is the worst. Haha.

Also, you have arguably the best Spitzer commentary I've seen.

10:08 AM  
Blogger GiveEmHellHarry said...

Wasn't Sorcerer directed by William Friedkin? That is going to have the most convoluted story arc ever. Good luck trying to decipher that thing while hopped up on cold meds.

10:10 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...


It's March 14th?!

I Loathe, Loathe, Loathe mystery illnesses.

I hope you feel better Clinton.

10:23 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Bill... Oh, you'll come around. Once I take over and make mustard the National Hot Dog Condiment That You Have To Use Or You'll Go To Jail.

BB... Who's this Spitzer person? Is he the hooker? Man, I really gotta start paying attention.

Harry... Yup, this is all Friedkin. I can only assume that one of the mercs will at one point be possessed by satan.

Lioux... Thanks, Lioux. I plan on downing OJ and pills all day in an effort to combant the germ onslaught.

10:27 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...


And make sure you spray all your Co-Workers with Lysol®™©™ so they don't catch it.

10:38 AM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

Get Well Soon sir!

I saw that movie in the bargain bin at The Movie Trading Company, but even the pure awesomeness of Roy Scheider coupled with nitroglycerin could not persuade me to buy it. Hopefully you'll give us a review.

10:38 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Lioux... Okay, I just sprayed the guy who sits next to me in the face with Lysol and now he's threatening to sue. And he *really* didn't like the bleach bath, either.

Digital... Thanks! Yeah, I might post a review at that, if it's worth mentioning. Hoping it will be good... I wanted to watch something cool to honor Roy Scheider's passing, but I didn't want to watch Jaws or All That Jazz again for the 3000th time.

11:21 AM  
Blogger Todd said...

My grandma used to make me a Hot Toddy when I was sick. Honey, Lemon Juice, Hot Water, and Whiskey. It'll makes you all better!

11:35 AM  
Blogger Heavy B said...

I now really want a street hotdog. You bring out the best in me, sir. I hope your ill ass feels better. I went to work sick last week and made not only most of my department ill, including the old man I hate, so hey, it wasn't a wasted illness at least.

11:35 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...


You didn't spray Cubicle-Mate Andrew, did you?!?!!!?!?!?!

Tell C-M A I said "hello".

11:55 AM  
Anonymous Cubicle-Mate Andrew said...

Fear not Lioux - I would never let C-Dawg spray me!!

12:00 PM  
Blogger Lioux said...


12:12 PM  
Blogger Giggleloop said...

Happy Pi Day, C-Dog!

I have the emerging sickies too, and it sucks. My sinuses are burning, and my throat hurts, and my eyes are getting red and puffy. Asstastic. :( I guess what I'm trying to say is, cover your mouth when you cough over there in New York! You're getting the Midwest sick, damn it! :)

12:16 PM  
Anonymous girlfriend said...

Todd, thank you for the hot toddy recipe. I'll make sure Clint gets dosed with some this weekend.

12:33 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Todd... That sounds delicious! If only I could convince my Girlfriend to make me one over the weekend...

Lioux... Technically, he's no longer Cubicle-Mate Andrew because when we moved buildings, he got put on the opposite side of our floor. But still.

Andrew... That's what she said.

Giggleloop... Please extend my apologies to the midwest.

Girlfriend.... HOORAY!!!!

12:54 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Heavy... I totally didn't respond to your comment. I am an asshole. What I was going to say was, yeah, fuck that old guy! He had it comin'!!!

1:27 PM  
Anonymous J. said...

If you get a chance to see Wages of Fear (Sorcerer is a remake of it) you totally should. I just watched it a few weeks ago on Netflix and it was fantastic.

3:45 AM  

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