Pop Rock

In what is surely the strangest story of the morning (or of any morning, really), Dr. Pepper... the soft drink... has challenged Guns N' Roses... the band... to finish their long-in-the-works album, "Chinese Democracy." I am not making this up. Apparently, Dr. Pepper will give everyone in America a free can of their soda, should GN'R turn in said record at any point this year. Okay, so, first things first: Let's all take the word "What?" and use it like a jet-pack to reach Heaven so we can ask the Baby Jesus for help in figuring this shit out.

Dr. Pepper is challenging Guns N' Roses? My mind doesn't bend that way, I'm sorry; for this to make any kind of sense, the world would have to be completely different than it is right now... Gore is president, animals are holding down decent jobs as Starbucks baristas, everyone stops what they're doing at 1pm everyday to put on impromptu musical numbers from Anything Goes complete with jazz hands and a trophy for the best tap dancer... nothing should be the same, stuff that's one way should be the other.

But it's true. In our dimension, in this reality. The worlds of mass-produced carbonated beverages and aging hard rock bands have collided. I feel like my brain is reaching the speed of light times the gravitational pull of Mercury. Infinity just showed up and it's ready to party the motherfuck down!

Here's the thing, and I want you all to pay attention because there's no way that I'm wrong about this: Despite what Dr. Pepper says, despite what millions of wise-ass rock critics say, nobody wants "Chinese Democracy" to come out. Not the fans, not the music industry, not Axl Rose, not anyone who owns a functioning set of ears. Why? Because it's going to suck. Hard. Like a vacuum that's been souped up with industrial aircraft parts. It's the same as telling a woman that you're the best lay on the planet... that your dick is huge like a party sub and that you're the guy they based The Karma Sutra on... and then you actually get in the sack and you're hung okay and you've got a few moves that aren't bad, but aren't worth a girl tossing out her vibrator for, and everyone's left a little bummed and wondering what's on TV and wishing for the power to turn invisible so they can just slink away into the night without shame. "Chinese Democracy" has been so built up, so flogged and discussed and theorized about and mulled over and chewed on, that there's no way it's going to live up the tumult that surrounds it.

So let it go, everyone. That means you, Rolling Stone... that means you, Spin... that means you, record store nerd that smells like dirty hair... just let the damn thing die in a ditch. Remember when Axl was on the MTV Music Video awards a couple of years ago? All fat and surgery-ed and with Bo Derek's hair? Do you really want to see that on every talk show until the end of time? No, you don't, because you're a decent, caring human being that loves humanity and hates evil grossness.

And, Dr. Pepper, hey man... stay the fuck out of it. You're really good at making delicious sodas (except for that Chocolate-Covered Cherry Diet DP that you shat out last year; did you forget to take your meds?), why not just stick with that until the coming Apocalypse? Who do you think you are, Brian Eno? Nile Rodgers? Phil Spector? That creepy fat guy that managed/molested N'Sync? Because you're none of those odd, talented gentlemen. You're a corporation of aging dorks that are trying to be cool. You're a dad wearing a leather jacket. An English teacher trying to convince kids that Macbeth was the "original gangsta." Seriously go fuck right off, if it's all the same to you.

Anyway... are we all square with this? Because I don't like getting all worked up about something I really don't care all that much about. Don't make me come over there.

Oh, and for the record, "Use Your Illusion I & II" were great albums. That's never going to change.