Movie Poster A Go-Go

Meet Dave



This is a movie about a freaky, hollow robot and the alien that controls it and, for reasons that I'm sure have everything to do with his child support payments to Scary Spice, they both look like Eddie Murphy. Look, I know picking on the dude's career is, at this point, kind of like giving a retarded kid a wedgie, but... c'mon, man... he's basically standing bottomless and spread-eagled with a forehead tattoo that says, "Please, kids of all ages, kick me in the balls so hard, I see dead relatives and childhood pets that went to live on farms out in the country." It's like the sound of people laughing physical hurts him, so he's made it his life's work to eradicate the problem (so to speak). And, gotta say, he's winning the war. Looking at this poster makes me feel like my dad just died in a car wreck.

Day of the Dead



I really dig this; it's like a wink and nod to the classic, Hammer-style posters of yore, and it would look awesome over the couch in my old apartment from five or six years ago back when I was the type of person that felt the need to show off his interests on his walls. Nowadays, I prefer to show off my interests on the internet, which is a whole lot better because you don't have to spackle any holes with toothpaste in order to get your deposit back. But anyway, it's too bad this movie... a remake of the 1985 Romero original... sucked so much ass, they had to send it straight to DVD. I mean, the original sucked ass too (sorry, but it did) and they let that get shown on the big screen, so why the red-faced, release of shame now? I guess it was just a simpler time, the 80s... with all the Wang Chunging and the sweatshirts with the necks cut out and the AIDS crisis being ignored by the government... you could put anything on film and people would be all like, "Yeah, I guess I'll pay money to see that. I've got feathered hair and the sleeves of my sports coat pushed up like Don Johnson!"

The Babysitters



I was wondering if To Catch A Predator was ever going to put out a feature film. Very cool (that show is the best comedy on TV), although I wouldn't recommend actually going to see this in the theaters because one of two things will happen, guaranteed: You'll either be rounded up in a mass sting operation, or you'll get jizzed on by a guy who reads a lot of Sci-Fi/Fantasy novels and thinks driving his Mom to the store counts as "going on a date." Honestly, I don't know which is worse. I mean yeah prison sucks, but on the other hand, will you be able to find a disinfectant strong enough to ever make you feel clean again? Doubtful, unless you know someone who works at Dow Chemicals and is willing to sneak you out some acid.

Deception



I guess A Thriller So Generic, It Tastes Like Lukewarm Tap Water was already taken. Or maybe that was too arty a title for a film that looks like The Lifetime Network fucked late-night Cinemax and this is what they gave up for adoption.

Chapter 27

Oh. My. God. Hollywood, what the fuck did you do to Jordan Catalano? Jesus, it looks like you hooked him up to a tanker truck full of butter. Or you made him eat a million cans of Chef Boyardee like that one part in Seven. Or you gave him an old, homeless guy's thyroid problem as a joke, but he didn't know it was a joke, and now he can't move without two canes and an oxygen mask. You guys seriously messed up with this... Claire Daines is crying now and wishing she'd hooked up with that nerd with the stupid hair instead.