Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Movie Poster A Go-Go

Meet Dave

This is a movie about a freaky, hollow robot and the alien that controls it and, for reasons that I'm sure have everything to do with his child support payments to Scary Spice, they both look like Eddie Murphy. Look, I know picking on the dude's career is, at this point, kind of like giving a retarded kid a wedgie, but... c'mon, man... he's basically standing bottomless and spread-eagled with a forehead tattoo that says, "Please, kids of all ages, kick me in the balls so hard, I see dead relatives and childhood pets that went to live on farms out in the country." It's like the sound of people laughing physical hurts him, so he's made it his life's work to eradicate the problem (so to speak). And, gotta say, he's winning the war. Looking at this poster makes me feel like my dad just died in a car wreck.

Day of the Dead

I really dig this; it's like a wink and nod to the classic, Hammer-style posters of yore, and it would look awesome over the couch in my old apartment from five or six years ago back when I was the type of person that felt the need to show off his interests on his walls. Nowadays, I prefer to show off my interests on the internet, which is a whole lot better because you don't have to spackle any holes with toothpaste in order to get your deposit back. But anyway, it's too bad this movie... a remake of the 1985 Romero original... sucked so much ass, they had to send it straight to DVD. I mean, the original sucked ass too (sorry, but it did) and they let that get shown on the big screen, so why the red-faced, release of shame now? I guess it was just a simpler time, the 80s... with all the Wang Chunging and the sweatshirts with the necks cut out and the AIDS crisis being ignored by the government... you could put anything on film and people would be all like, "Yeah, I guess I'll pay money to see that. I've got feathered hair and the sleeves of my sports coat pushed up like Don Johnson!"

The Babysitters

I was wondering if To Catch A Predator was ever going to put out a feature film. Very cool (that show is the best comedy on TV), although I wouldn't recommend actually going to see this in the theaters because one of two things will happen, guaranteed: You'll either be rounded up in a mass sting operation, or you'll get jizzed on by a guy who reads a lot of Sci-Fi/Fantasy novels and thinks driving his Mom to the store counts as "going on a date." Honestly, I don't know which is worse. I mean yeah prison sucks, but on the other hand, will you be able to find a disinfectant strong enough to ever make you feel clean again? Doubtful, unless you know someone who works at Dow Chemicals and is willing to sneak you out some acid.


I guess A Thriller So Generic, It Tastes Like Lukewarm Tap Water was already taken. Or maybe that was too arty a title for a film that looks like The Lifetime Network fucked late-night Cinemax and this is what they gave up for adoption.

Chapter 27

Oh. My. God. Hollywood, what the fuck did you do to Jordan Catalano? Jesus, it looks like you hooked him up to a tanker truck full of butter. Or you made him eat a million cans of Chef Boyardee like that one part in Seven. Or you gave him an old, homeless guy's thyroid problem as a joke, but he didn't know it was a joke, and now he can't move without two canes and an oxygen mask. You guys seriously messed up with this... Claire Daines is crying now and wishing she'd hooked up with that nerd with the stupid hair instead.


Blogger Lioux said...

I think Eddie Murphy®™©™ is the only actor who can work with Eddie Murphy®™©™ anymore.

They make a great team.

Just sayin'.

10:10 AM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

that day of the dead page is totally giving us the subliminal finger!
it's dead center in the middle of the page and it's got a lens flare behind it!

10:14 AM  
Anonymous Chris Hanson®™©™ said...

Just wait until those pervos buy their tickets thinking they're entering a theatre to see "The Babysitters®™©™" (or maybe even "Day Of The Dead®™©™) when in fact they'll be walking right into a kitchen with our hidden cameras.

10:15 AM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

The only movie on here I might see is Day Of The Dead and maybe Jared Leto's so called movie. I heard you can watch it online for free. The free caught my attention.

10:24 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Lioux... Ooh, I bet that's totally why he plays every part in all his movies. I bet it's also because he smells like crack-sweat all the time, too.

Jason... Good call. That motherfucking zombie, disrespecting me...

Chris Hansen... Busted!!!

Digital... If I want to watch a fat guy listen to the Beatles, I'll look in a mirror for two hours. Day of the Dead, though, yeah I'll probably see that even though I'm pretty sure it'll be rank.

10:38 AM  
Blogger surviving myself said...

I'll probably see Babysitters, cause it looks like there may be boobs in it.

I know, it's bad, but tell me you didn't see Swordfish because you knew about Halle finally giving us a peak at heaven!

11:35 AM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

what jared leto's trying to say with his crappy chapter 27 poster:

"hey look at me! i'm the bobby deniro of the mtv generation! i take my acting craft very seriously! um...hello??"

what his fans are saying:

"bobby who?"

11:39 AM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

jared leto:


jared leto fans:

raging what now?? can you sing at my sweet 16?

11:43 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Surviving... Nope, I saw Swordfish because I was drunk. Halle's Berries were just a bonus.

Jason Quinoes... Dude, that's mean. You *know* Jared Leto doesn't have any fans. Or friends. Or anyone that loves him. Also, he stinks like Chee-tos. So I hear.

11:46 AM  
Blogger Todd said...

I saw Swordfish because it was the greatest artistic creation of our time.

1:42 PM  
Blogger skinbeatergreg said...

Will someone please tell me what in the hell is Eddie Murphy's problem?

7:01 PM  

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