Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Here's Everything That Is Wrong With Salad

-If you're a fat guy and you decided that, for your lunch, you're going to have a sensible salad, you should prepare yourself to hear this for the next hour: "Hey, why are you eatin' healthy?" "Whoa, where's the real [your name]?" "Wait a minute, I thought you were a gigantic cartoon of obesity that only ate whole cows and cans of Crisco for lunch; seeing you with a plate of vegetables confuses me and, thus, my hilarious jokes are yours to carry around in your psyche for the rest of your life like herpes."

-Dressing is gross. I know that it's tasty (Ranch is an anagram for "yumtastic"), but think about it for a second... it's fat, and suspended in this fat, there's quite possibly hunks of processed cheese or a handful of industrial spices that in real life look like sand. Why would anyone want to eat that. Focus on dressing right now... really turn it over in your mind like a lozenge... and if you're not gagging in thirty seconds, then you should have your own show where you eat weird crap for money.

-If you're compiling your salad from a salad bar, everyone that's been there before you has probably sneezed, coughed, picked their nose, farted, flicked eye gunk at, or sprinkled some pubes on that food you're about to stick in your face. Enjoy eating other people's scum; you're basically a C.H.U.D. now.

-Once you've got all this crap in a bowl, and after you've doused in whatever creamy and/or vinegary toxic waste is to your liking, you then have to eat it. And it sucks because each bite is so much tedious work... I mean, you want to get one that's got a little bit of every single ingredient (otherwise, what's the point), but it's all slippery from the drizzled goo and the croutons aren't cooperating and the cherry tomato is rolling around like that boulder in Raiders of the Lost Ark and why the hell did you put sunflower seeds on there, god, what's wrong with you, and then... before you're even aware of what you're doing... you're pitching the salad across the office like a Sandy Koufax heater because food shouldn't be so fucking complicated. But you're still hungry, so you have to go get more food, and you're watching your weight so salads the only option, and the horror begins fresh and new.

-Or you could just get the soup. Soup isn't much of a hassle.


Blogger Todd said...

I freaking love soup. Like, completely unhealthy love.

1:52 PM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

It is a proven scientific fact that eating a salad as a meal sucks.

Knowing this I usually order pseudo salads, like the one I had last night, when I’m on a health kick. Basically a salad only because there is green stuff buried somewhere underneath all the other crap piled on there.

Probably not doing much for me by way of eating healthy, but my taste buds and stomach are happy.

1:58 PM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

LOVE small spinach salad for lunch :) however my caf is great, therefore i can do this on the cheap all the time.

I recommend spinach salad because it's easier to eat, actually- not as slippery as iceberg or whatever. And salad dressing is so not gross if you don't put too much on. i like my salad with spinach, about a tablespoon of blue cheese (not dressing, like actually blue cheese) a tablespoon of crasins, and some raspberry vinegarette! Sometimes less is more, that way you aren't fighting to get everything on your fork.

The best part of salad? When you eat a lot of the spinach by itself and save the topping for the end :)

apparently i am as obsessmo with salad as *some people* are with soup.

Are you on a diet Clint-bear? Exciting! One more victory in my dream of making you my best girlfriend :)


2:40 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Todd... Be careful of your soup love, Senator. It only leads to awkward explanations of why you've got a burnt penis.

Digital... I've found that science never lies, so I'm glad I've got that on my side.

Jew... Nah, not so much a diet. More just taking a stab at trying to eat somewhat like a person that's not going to die at 40 from an exploded heart.

3:12 PM  
Blogger Lioux said...


I enjoy tossing salad. Especially when Newman's Own®™©™ dressing is involved.

3:13 PM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

next time instead of lettuce use onion rings. less hassle, better eats!

the biggest perk with soup is when someone starts crackin' wise with the "whadda yooz eatin helfy forah??" routine you can throw the steaming hot soup in their funny fuck face!

but then you gotta get another soup. and more than likely, another job.

3:15 PM  
Blogger Giggleloop said...

Precisely why I'm glad I'm a Fatty McChubbingston who hates salad, and vegetables in general.

Wait, that's something I shouldn't be proud of, isn't it... Crap.

3:20 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Lioux... I was wondering who would be the first to make a "tossed salad" joke. Congrats, you've won the coveted Lowest-Hanging Fruit Award!!! It comes with a thumbs up and a small order of fries.

Jason... Yeah, they're allowed to make fun, but when you defend yourself, it's suddenly "assault." Whatever, laws.

Giggleloop... We used to be revered and respected, ya know. As sexual icons, no less. I blame Melrose Place, or like maybe the plauge or something.

3:32 PM  
Blogger Lioux said...


I'd like to thank...


Why is that music getting louder. It's too loud.

It's like I can't even speak over it!

4:05 PM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

Was that Thomas Dolby playing?

5:41 PM  
Anonymous girlfriend said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5:59 PM  
Anonymous girlfriend said...

Jew, I hear you on the spinach in salad...I make a lovely baby spinach and strawberry salad. And by lovely I mean as palatable as a salad could ever be.

6:02 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Girlfriend: Ooo! I love those! Do you put blueberrries in there too? What about almond slices? I (meaning my wife) can make a mean dressing to go with that. It's my favorite salad!

6:25 PM  
Anonymous girlfriend said...

Todd, you're wife has the right idea. I've skipped the blueberries thus far, but I'm thinking of trying them now. I sprinkle on broken up almonds or walnuts and use balsamic vinegar.

9:36 PM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

girlfriend- i love a sweet-ish spinach salad!! It's so refreshing! Actually i hate blueberries (that's to todd) so i wouldn't add those, but i too put the strawberries in there.
It sounds kind of weird, but sweet corn nibblets are excellent in a sweet salad


10:57 AM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

I love salads as much as Jew, but this post made me rethink them. :)

That said, spinach IS the best salad, but I do not like sweet fruity things in my salad. I'm a vegetable person, not a fruit person. But sweet corn is fantastic in any kind of salad!

11:20 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

This is exactly like the French Revolution. I'm all "Salads are horrible" and you guys are sneaking around, whispering "Salads are tasty," and I'm up here in Versailles in my powdered wig cursing your name and inventing the guillotine.

Shut up, it's exactly like that.

11:46 AM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

I just had a supertastydelicious salad for lunch. Take THAT Monsieur C-chien.

2:37 PM  
Blogger Quin Browne said...


....soylent green is vegans.

10:18 AM  

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