Thursday, March 27, 2008

Further Bands And Solo Artists That Have Been Challenged By Beverages

Pepsi challenges Michael Jackson - Hey, you remember when you used to be a spokesperson for us and you'd Moonwalk and stuff and people bought our drinks and it was all cool (except for when we set your hair on fire... sorry!)? Yeah, we'd like to do that again, but we can't really work out a deal until you... um... you know... stop touching the little kids. It's nothing personal, it's just that Pepsi has worked for so long to not be labeled as the choosy pedophile's choice in soft drinks and, well, having you be our famous face while you're chasing children around your locked mansion wouldn't really work, big-picture. So you cut that out, now... and we'll hire you back no problems. Oh... wait a minute... we hadn't realized that you look like a fairy-tale ghost zombie from the Botched Plastic Surgery Dimension. Sorry, never mind.

Perrier challenges Nena - Maybe you should stop letting shitty punk and emo bands cover "99 Luftballons," huh? I mean that was a good song, but when a guy with weird hair and eyeliner sings it all slow and with enough irony to choke the life out of even the hippest bartender in the West Village, it's basically like being lightly misted with bleach on a global scale. And while we're at it, why not update the song yourself... "100 Luftballons?" "Luftballons 2008?" Things now aren't any better, Military industrial complex-wise, than they were when you originally sang it... so... I don't know... why don't you give it a shot. They're making a new Star Trek movie, so you wouldn't even have to take out the Capt. Kirk reference. But, hey, what do we know... we're just a French fizzy water that rich people think is elegant but really just causes burps.

Mr. Pibb challenges Mr. Big and Mr. Mister - Stop being so fucking formal. Nobody likes bands who put on airs like that. Besides, who do you think you are, a soda that tastes kinda like Dr. Pepper, but isn't as good? Of course not, that's our job and we do it quite well, thank you very fucking much. We're basically the tuxedo of knock-off soda pop. Kids drink us at the prom.

Milk challenges Stevie Nicks and Don Henley - Isn't it about time for another "Leather & Lace" style duet? C'mon... I'm looking for something as white and boring as me; you guys are basically all that's left, now that the Osmonds are starring in Martin Lawrence movies and failing at talk shows. We'll throw in some free witchcraft lessons for you, Stevie, and Don... we'll kill Joe Walsh if you get on board. We'll make sure it's painless. Or not, you're call.

Everclear challenges Miley Cyrus - Look, Britney's cooled it with the crazy and everyone's now convinced that Paris is just a trick played on us by the Devil and Lindsay's figured out what cameras do and how to avoid them, so... bottom line... we need another hot mess pop-starlette to destroy her life in public. Work is boring without shit like that, for serious... your nation is calling on you. So please, start drinking Everclear; mix us up in a bathtub with a bunch of Hawaiian Punch if you gotta, but whatever, just get us into your system, post haste. You don't even have to do any sex shit (I think you're underage anyway and Everclear can't do jail time, man... it just can't). Go punch out a cop, or start muling heroin across the border, or steal a whole bunch of money and blow it all on one of those rat dogs covered in solid gold. Set fire to something. Or someone. Just make sure you're trashed on our product and when you projectile vomit into the audience at one of your shows while crying as your pre-recorded voice rings out strong and mocking and true, remember that you're doing it all for us, your countrymen, your people, the ones who really love you. And want to see you crushed and fallen, yes, but still.


Anonymous Madonna®™©™ said...

Pepsi®™©™ and I had a contoversy with my hit single "Like A Prayer®™©™"

2:55 PM  
Anonymous C-dog said...

Wow, this post went over like a lead balloon. What happened?

11:03 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Yeah, I don't know. I can tell you that it was way funnier in my head. Our head, I guess.

11:04 AM  
Anonymous c-dog said...

Hey, don't drag me into this. I'm just a fictional construct that you've created to lend your blog a little personality. I'm like Christina Aguilara's "Xtina" or Garth Brooks' "Chris Gaines."

Although obviously way less talented.

11:05 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Obviously. Also, you smell like cheap liquor and old clothes. You know, just like Christina Aguilara.

11:06 AM  
Anonymous c-dog said...


11:06 AM  
Anonymous a cricket®™©™ said...


12:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If your in-your-head voices are posting under different names, you might be insane.

12:38 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Clinton: Don't mind Penguins, he's a jerk. Also, I'd totally pay to see a drunk Miley Cyrus in concert!

12:40 PM  

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