Monday, April 07, 2008

Medieval Times

True to my word, Girlfriend and I spent most of the weekend watching The Tudors on DVD. It's really good, turns out. Not as much nudity as I'd hoped for, and there's a few historical inaccuracies to be found if you want to get nit picky (no matter what Wikipedia says, I'm fairly certain that King Henry did not court Anne Boylen by giving her a mixtape), but overall it's an extremely watchable, entertaining program filled-to-bursting with the inherent drama that goes along on with copious amounts of doin' it and death. Which, incidentally, are two of my favorite subjects. Yours too, I'd wager (you sicko). It should be pointed out, however, that not once during the six episodes we've watched thus far has anyone fought a dragon. Pshaw, right? Unbelievable. I can only assume that they're saving the big dragon fight for the season finale. Because if there's not a dragon fight at some point during the run of The Tudors, then I must confess I'm not really sure why they bothered to make this show at all.

Anyway... so, yes, we've watched a lot of The Tudors and, as these things often do, it's gotten me thinking about how I would live my life were I suddenly to find myself cast into the dark ages of England's super-fabulous monarchy.

Okay, well, odds are I'd probably die from some sort of horrible disease related to the time period's unfortunate sanitation issues. Also, I'd probably have even worse teeth than I do now; Crest had yet to become a big part of one's morning shower routine. Neither had showers, for that matter. But that's besides the point... I'm not talking about going to live in the actual medieval times. From what I understand, it sucked a whole lot of balls. No, I'm talking about going to live in the medieval times represented in The Tudors; that place, fictional though it may be, appears to have kicked an unholy amount of ass. It looks way more fun that my current existence, that's for damn sure.

Allow me to illustrate my point...

Here's what my weekend consisted of, in no particular order (it's a pretty good representation of all my weekends, give or take the odd vacation or bar fight that has to be broken up by the cops):

-Watching six episodes of The Tudors (as I said)
-Going on a number of walks
-Going to the movies
-Eating take-out Chinese food
-A nap
-Mets game on TV
-Saturday Night Live
-Wandering around Chinatown and eating delicious dumplings at this little hole in the wall place that Girlfriend discovered during her Grad School matriculation

And that's about it. Now, granted, this is actually a pretty sweet, relaxing way to spend a couple of days of down-time if you're into concepts like "low-key" and "mellow." Which I am, so that works out well. However, what it is most definitely not is exciting. There's no danger, no intrigue, no lusty adventures with ladies-in-waiting, and there's certainly no fighting of dragons. Again, there's no dragon fighting in The Tudors either... which, what the fuck... but still, you get my point. My life, pleasant as it is, is just that... pleasant.

I need a good old fashioned jousting match! I need to race through a candle-lit castle in hot pursuit of an assassin and/or a spicy wench! I need to plot against my enemies and then have them plot against me in a sinister roundelay of stabbed-backs and betrayed alliances! I need to ride a faithful steed really fast through a meadow! I need to... to... um...

You know what? After saying this all out loud... er... yeah, this sounds like a lot effort. I mean, I'd certainly be working up a sweat, and not always in the fun, horizontal way. And there's every chance that I'd get hurt, which is not something I generally care for. Like, there was this one part in The Tudors where a guy got hit in the face with a jousting pole and nearly lost an eye. Not into that. See, I don't handle pain very well (I whimper like it was the new slang), so I probably shouldn't risk it.

Yeah, you know what... better scrap this idea. I mean, no, it probably wasn't going to happen anyway (TV show time travel won't be invented for a while, yet), but still... I should really just focus on living in the reality of here and now. Probably best for everyone.

Though I really would like to fight a dragon. If anyone could arrange that, I'd really appreciate it!


Anonymous Puff The Magic Dragon®™©™ said...


9:46 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

Maybe we can spend next weekend Chasing The Dragon, if you'd like Clinton.

9:47 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Puff... I will fucking DESTROY you!!! Or smoke you, possibly, if the hippies were right.

Lioux... That's not really the sort of dragon I was talking about... but... yeah, I could definitely use some opium. I'll bring the fresh linens!!!

9:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

o.k then i was not looking for this info im just looking for a online video game.

7:17 PM  

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