Rating The Celebrity Look-A-Likes

Farting around on the internet the other day, I stumbled across what might be the most entertaining website in the known universe (outside of those that prominently feature gratuitous nudity as their main selling point). As a blogger, finding a site like this is akin to a hunter stumbling upon a 12-point buck that's not paying attention and has it's iPod turned up so loud, it can't hear the approach of it's own camo-colored death. Kids, I give you... (deep breath with shaky hands)... the talent pool of Southern California's celebrity impersonators.

I know, right? It's like an expensive gift from Jesus on my birthday.

So, obviously, I have no choice but to take a small sampling of these celebrity impersonators... these presumably hard-working actors who are just trying to make a living in the cruel, mean business of show... and rate them on their various merits (or lack thereof) like the Mean Girl I truly am. Sorta feeling like this is what I was put on Earth to do. I am at peace, you guys.

Okay, so let's get started!

Dolly Parton



If Dolly Parton was a crazy-eyed psychopath with a taste for human blood, you'd be a dead ringer. Unfortunately, since Dolly Parton has never (to my knowledge) murdered a homeless person in the dead of night and then feasted on his innards like they were an Entenmann's Coffee Cake, we're going to have to dock you a few points. The hair, though, is perfect; a bouffant all big and shiny like the sun. Seriously, some Incas want to worship it. Rating: 4 out of 10

Bruce Willis



Sorry, homes, but Bruce Willis isn't an alcoholic loner that skipped out on a bunch of child support payments and now works part time at a loading dock. He's a millionaire movie star who looks good punching people in the face while quipping sarcastically. But maybe you can get some work impersonating an ex-surfer with a bleach addiction that rivals only his meth addiction. Rating: 2 out of 10

Beyonce

Heh... no, honey. Sorry. You're a very pretty girl and, yes, you're roughly the same skin tone as our girl B, but those things aren't all you need to be a good celebrity impersonator. God, can you even imagine the bullshitty way that she sings? The things she does to songs should be considered hate crimes. I bet she listens to a lot of the Black-Eyed Peas and takes nine hours to get ready for a night out. I'm knocking an extra point off her rating because looking at her makes me not like women. Rating: 1 out of 10

George Clooney

Hello, I'm a high school math teacher with a Caesar cut. I'm sorry, I meant Dr. High School Math Teach with a Caesar Cut. My brother-in-law thinks I look exactly like George Clooney and I'm so desperate for a break from my mine-collapse of a life that I totally believe him. My wife thinks I'm crazy, but she can go to hell... I'm going to to be fucking supermodels by weeks end because I am George Clooney!!! Right? RIGHT??? God, this stethoscope was expensive, especially on a high school math teacher's salary. Rating 2 out of 10

Tom Kite

Retired pro-golfer Tom Kite? Really? Do you hate ever working? Because... and maybe I'm reading the market wrong... but I just can't imagine that there's a strong need out there for Tom Kite impersonators. Maybe you could pick up a few gigs at old-man retirement functions or at the saddest bachelor parties that ever existed, but... no, even then, strippers are the go-to choice. I'm seeing you in your efficiency apartment, crying into your giant glasses next to a phone that hasn't rung since the early 90s, and it's bumming me the fuck out. Although, on the upside, you do look exactly like Tom Kite. I guess that's an upside. Rating 8 out of 10

Michael J. Fox



So you've decided to play Michael J. Fox (Doc Hollywood-era Fox, no less) as a scary dwarf who hides under parked cars with a box-cutter, waiting to slice women's hamstrings and drag them back to an underground torture dungeon to sate his hideous desires. Hmm... not the way I'd have gone, but it's certainly an interesting choice. Also, the prop stethoscope store in Hollywood just celebrated it's 50th year in business!!! The owner just knew there would be a market for his wares. A sad market that knows well the sound of a rape whistle, but hey... money is money. Rating: 4 out of 10

Rod Stewart

(singing) Have I told... you lately... about my gigantic hair? It's made... from dead cats... that I found in the garbage. I very rarely wash it... it smells like old fart socks... I wear it on my head like I'm proud of failure, that's what I do... Rating 5 out of 10

Jim Carrey

Hey, okay... ya know... this dude actually does look a lot like Jim Carrey. And that hair has got to be a pain in the ass to get right every morning. Plus, his Hawaiian shirt budget is probably out of hand. I like the commitment there. I don't know, as much as I'd enjoy mocking someone who's dressed up like a character from a movie that stopped being funny around the time your dad started quoting it... I think I'm going to have to give him the ol' thumbs up. I mean, I don't feel good about it or anything, but still... 9 out of 10

Danny DeVito



If the word that springs immediately to people's mind when you walk in a room is, "homunculus," then you might want to consider spending your life owning a dry-cleaning service and never, ever, under any circumstances, stepping in front of a camera. Also, Danny DeVito doesn't have 'Nam tattoos, nor is he hairy like an Italian alpaca. Just sayin'. Rating 3 out of 10

Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston

Real nice, gay guy. Way to rope your trusting hag into a humiliating dog-and-pony show just so you can "break into the biz." She just wants to watch Sex and the City with you on her couch while wearing sweats and eating Ben & Jerrys... she doesn't want to have to explain to drunk guys at a club that she's supposed to be that one girl from Friends while you try to make out with the bartender because you heard he can score you good coke. Dude... not cool. Let her go home to her Mary Higgins Clark novels. And, for the record, Brad Pitt doesn't smell like hair gel and Astroglide. Might want to fix that before you get more awesome headshots taken by the promo artist that worked on Saved by the Bell. Rating: 2 out of 10