An Unfortunate Gum Selection

I don't know why the hell I bought this. It's gross. It kind of tastes like fruit-flavored cardboard that's been sprinkled with Splenda and then left in the bottom drawer of a filing cabinet for twenty years, but then again it also sort of tastes like an apple that's been pushed through a gym sock and then thrown down that one well where they found the scary chick in The Ring. I'm not sure why the Trident people, usually purveyors of high-quality gum, would release such a product. I can only assume that this is a situation exactly like that part in Dirty Harry where the waitress in the coffee shop dumps a ton sugar in Callahan's coffee so he'll know that things are amiss and figure out that the place is being robbed. Trident is trying to tell us that they're hurt and in trouble, folks! We need to do something!!!

First, though, I need to get this taste out of my mouth. It's like if berries could fart.