Let's End The Week On This...

Not like you were going to anyway... you're not a sixteen year old who does everything MTV and MySpace tells them to... but still, just so I know that someone has said it out loud... please, for the love of the Baby Jesus, no one go see the remake of Prom Night that's opening this weekend. It's horrible; it's a disaster on par with shitting your pants at a job interview or doing shots of Windex because you thought it was blueberry-flavored.

How do I know? Have I actually seen it? I just do, and no of fucking course not. But here, let me run down the reasons why this movie is worse than stepping on a land mind at your father's bedside as he's dying from cancer:

-It's a remake of a 70s horror movie. There's been a lot of those recently and, hey, how have they all been? Awful? Like rubbing jalapeno juice in your eyes while tea-bagging a weed whacker? Exactly! This one won't be any better. Because...

-It's just the title; they've completely abandoned the plot of the original... which, by the way, was actually a pretty great movie. Jamie Lee Curtis always equals good horror entertainment (at least back then) and she busts out some sweet disco moves as a bonus.

-It's PG-13. PG-MOTHERFUCKING-13!!! What the hell is the point of making a horror movie if you're going to de-ball it? That's like making out for thirty minutes, complete with dirty talk, and then going home and reading a book in bed with a mug of herbal tea!

-It's going to be one of those movies where, every five minutes, something will jump in from out-of-frame, or jump right at the camera, and the soundtrack with crank up real loud, and every stupid fucking tweener with scream like a hog caught in a wheat thresher and THAT will count as this movie being like totally scary, y'all. That's not scary! That's startling! There's a motherfucking difference, man; mainly it's that the latter is incredibly lazy, sloppy film making. Anybody can startle someone else. Give me 15 million dollars and I'll personally go around startling the holy living fuck out of everyone on the planet! It's so much harder to actually frighten, to build up the tension to an epic level and then to twist the knife so that we all wet the bed for the rest of our lives... but of course, most modern "horror" directors don't want to take the time to do that. They'd rather scream BOO at people and call it an early day. And how do I know the movie's going to be like that? Because the motherfucking trailer was exactly like that!!!

-God, I fucking hate Hollywood so much.

So there you go. Don't go see this movie. For me. I don't care about politics, I don't care about our Nation's foreign policies, I don't care about anything or anyone who's not directly related to, friends with, or currently sleeping next to, me.... I do, however, care about this. Sick and sad? Yeah, so what, like you're perfect.

Fuck fucking Prom Night. Right in the ass, dry, and don't even think of giving it a reach-around. It doesn't deserve it.