Tuesday, April 22, 2008

ZFS! Celebrates Earth Day, or "Let's Save Our Fucking Planet, Motherfuckers!"

I care so much about our planet, you guys. It's true. Whenever I see somebody disrespecting the planet, I fly into this blazing, man-tiger rage and I just start hitting and hitting the offender with a green-painted baseball bat until I find myself standing in a pool of what was once their face and then the Earth gives me a big thumbs up and we go get root beer floats! See, psychiatrists, sometimes mental illness can be a good thing!!! Although I do feel bad about all the murders...

Anyway, since I'm all about saving the Earth from assholes that litter and dickwads that hate our ozone, I'm going to share with you some of my patented...

Planet-Healing Tips for Making Our World Not-Shitty

NOTE: I'm going to win an Oscar for these just like Al Gore!!! That Best Supporting Actor trophy is going to look fucking sweet on top of my TV...

-When pooping, don't do it in a toilet. Toilets are wasteful and against God. Instead, poop out on the lawn. You'll be fertilizing the soil and making the grass grow green and your neighbors will call the police so they can show them what a conscientious citizen you are. They'll want to take you downtown, but no worries... it's just so they can give you the coveted Medal Of Awesome.

-Don't use plastic bags. Hire a native boy from the jungle to carry your groceries. Don't live near the jungle? Use a kangaroo! They're nature's sacks!!!

-Kill and eat your own food, just like in that "Circle of Life" song. Remember, city-dwellers... hobos count as food.

-I know that recycling is a pain in the ass, what with the having to buy different, clear bags for it and having to separate all your cardboard and your plastic and your cans and then you have to put it out on a specific night and then... ugh... you know what? Fuck recycling. Way too much effort.

-If you see someone wearing fur, throw paint on them! If you see someone wearing leather, throw paint on them! If you see someone eating meat, throw paint on them! If you see someone doing anything at all that you don't agree with, throw fucking paint on them! Always keep yourself well-stocked with paint! Make sure you get it in their eyes because paint burns and it will teach them a lesson! PAINT!!!

-Maybe don't be such a fucking gasoline pig, huh? Just a thought.

-You really want to prove how much you love our planet? Here's what you do... First, dig a small hole. Then, take off all your clothes. Next, become aroused thinking about our big, sexy life-sustaining planet. Lay down over the hole that you've dug. Fuck the Earth, man... fuck it... hit that shit... show that planet how much you love it. Oooh... yeah... so nasty... who's got global warming now, baby...

8 Comments:

Blogger Lioux said...

My BF Chewbacca®™©™ has been mistakenly attacked SEVERAL times by over zealous members of PETA and their stupid paint.

We're thinking about moving to Endor.

12:51 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Nah, you should check out Cloud City. Billy Dee Williams lives there.

3:06 PM  
Blogger Lioux said...

Hmmm.

BDW®™©™ IS a scoundrel...

3:25 PM  
Anonymous David said...

When I throw paint I use the leaded kind that you can still buy in third world countries, like Endor.

3:47 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Actually, I find throwing wolf urine much more effective.

It's natural and stinks to high heaven.

Or is that just a Colorado thing?

7:42 PM  
Anonymous Just Saying said...

That's not even a picture of our earth, unless it is a future picture when half the land is flooded after the polar ice caps melt.

5:43 AM  
Blogger Ross said...

I was going to try to make up another tip to add to your list, but after reading that last one...let's just say that I was struck speechless.

9:14 AM  
Blogger Todd said...

Ha! I agree with Ross. After that last tip, I've got nothing.

1:54 PM  

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