Thursday, April 24, 2008

Movie Poster A Go-Go


I'm just so sick of these sort of movies. These post-Matrix, super slick movies about gravity defying supermodels with guns that shoot special effects and every male in the audience is supposed to start masturbating because all we like is BANG and BOOM and HOLY SHIT SHE'S RUNNIN' UP A WALL!!! We get it... you can do amazing things with computers these days. Neat. Now design a program that makes me a give a shit about secret assassins that make bullets dance around like they're at the ammo prom. Also, Angelina Jolie. Seriously, men of America, enough with the thinking she's the hottest woman on the planet. She's an ex-junkie who won an Oscar for playing a crazy person because she's actually a crazy person!!! Remember: Having sex with Angelia Jolie would last, if you're lucky, about twenty minutes. But having to lie there and listen to her talk about Darfur while you try to figure out why your crotch is burning... that's a couple of hours that will feel like the rest of your life.

The Incredible Hulk

Having The Hulk sport an Edward Norton tramp-stamp is kind of an odd choice, but I like that Marvel is out there trying new things, connecting with the kids and so forth. They could have really gotten a stranglehold on the hip, youth market if they'd listened to my suggestion of just having most of the movie be The Hulk updating his Facebook page and trying to beat Emil Blonksy at Scrabulous, but, you know, whatever... they wanted "action scenes" or something. Like anyone cares. Still though, Edward Norton's always good for some method actor-y entertainment. I saw him once in Manhattan, leaning against a wall, smoking a cigarette and looking all coolsy woolsy. True story. But... not... an... interesting one, I guess. Ah, fuck you guys. You're just jealous you've never seen Edward Norton.


You know what this movie's about? It's about a guy from the future who's fighting an alien and they both travel back in time to the Viking Age, and then the Vikings help him fight the alien. I'm not kidding. It's like Beowulf fell into a large tank of WTF batter and came out babbling about swords and lasers and rips in the inter-dimensional fabric. And a fat nerd who still lives with his parents was hanging around and overheard him and wrote it all down and that's how movies like this get made! No joke, though, don't go see this unless you're sure you can handle being in an enclosed room with a bunch of guys who think bathing is just some gadget from the Batman comics. I mean, it's got the word "bat" in it so what else would it be?

What Happens In Vegas

There aren't people that would actually pay money to see this, right? I mean... it's Ashton Kutcher, who would barely be tolerable if he was your waiter at Chili's, much less rendered huge on a movie screen, and it's Cameron Diaz, who can't technically act and looks like she probably reeks of nicotine, and they're in a movie about fucking each other in Vegas or something? How is that a thing that anyone would want to see? I mean, do they get all butchered and killed like those kids in Hostel? Because then I could kinda understand the point of this. Otherwise, it just seems like a good reason to stay at home and read and pretend it's the late 1700s, which was a time where people like Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz would have been eaten by wolves for being inferior farmers (or whatever happened back then; look, I'd just like to see them eaten by wolves).

The Strangers

Creepy poster, despite the obvious Photoshopping going on with Liv Tyler's face. I get the feeling they just took her picture off of some Aerosmith liner notes and slapped it onto some model's body and said, "yeah, that's fine... whatever... who wants so many beers right now?" But who cares, it's got a creepy guy in a freak mask emerging from the shadows in the background and that's the kind of image that will stick with me long after the booze has rotted all the pertinent info out of my brain. All that'll be left: the theme song from Friends, the quotable quotes from Goodfellas, and this guy about to stab me in the face so he can steal my soul. Going drunk-crazy is awesome!


Blogger Lioux said...


I Love, Love, Love when things are 'Inspired By True Events'.

AND creepy guys in freak masks emerging from the shadows in the background.

10:08 AM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

wanted- anorexic chicks don't do it for me. stringy arm,bony elbow, vein in forehead...not a turn on! i'd be amazed if she could even lift a gun that heavy!

vegas- what's most annoying about this poster is the single name label like you know these people...

come see your pals "ashton and cameron" act like a couple a dumbshits for 2 hours and 12 bucks!

or is it the look on dumbfuck ashton's face that seems to be saying..."see this finger? yeah it went there!"

strangers poster-looks like an ikea living room ad from hell

10:16 AM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

vikings vs. aliens sound kinda cool on paper but it probably won't be in reality! the poster has kind of a cool frank frazetta feel to it though.

10:18 AM  
Blogger The Dutchess of Kickball said...

Dude, you are going to be regretting sleeping with Angie Jolie for the rest of your life when she pops out about a hundred of your kids.

11:07 AM  
Anonymous Just Saying said...

The thing that made the action in the Matrix cool was that you knew it was all taking place inside a computer program and they could therefore do incredible moves. When it's done in what is supposed to be the real world it just comes across as idiotic. When one of the Charlie's Angels (in number II, which was a big #2) girls slid under-the-table the table like a super limbo move it was time to turn it off. If that makes any sense. If not I'll shut the fuck up and keep my opinion to myself.
On another note has Asston ever made a good movie? The only thing he has going for him is that he gets to bang Demi and gets paid a lot of money for making shit.
Lastly, Jolie is one of the ugliest chicks on the planet. She looks like she suffered from famine in Africa and instead of her belly swelling up her lips did. I'm thinking she had one of her kids throw a voodoo spell over Brad to get him to leave Jennifer because that was one hell of a downgrade.

11:11 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Lioux... Totally, especially when the true events inspire horror movies. Because that's like ten times more awesome. Twenty times more if there's a monster involved.

Jason... She's extremely bony and veiny. Which is why I don't see the appeal (or at least it's among the reasons). If I wanted to cuddle up to someone like that, I'd hang out at a methadone clinic.

Jason 2... Totally agree. Sounds like a great movie, but it's one that would have to be made juuuuust right. Otherwise, it'll be retarded. My guess is this is probably retarded. Points for thinking outside the box, though.

Dutchess... Which is why I'm never going to sleep with her. And believe me, she's been asking. All, "Oooh, C-dog, you so fine." It's like, "Enough, Skeletor."

Just Saying... Blah blah blah computer world whatever. It was cool for a minute, then everyone else started doing it and it got ruined for everybody. As for Ashton Kutcher being in a good movie... no, but everyone should check out The Butterfly Effect. It's hilarious, which isn't what the filmmakers intended, but still. Comedy of errors if ever there was one.

11:25 AM  
Anonymous JustinS said...


Praise God, Allah, and all the Lords of Cobol that someone else out there is creeped the fuck out by Angelina Jolie. Someone male, that is. Women seem to have known she was a freak for awhile (except the ones that wigged the fuck out over Girl, Interrupted and got her that Oscar...).

And the lips? Seriously? She looks like she was kicked in the face by a mule and never healed right.

The Incredible Hulk
Ed Norton kicks ass. Tim Roth kicks ass. Ang Lee was banned from the set and burned in effigy. It's the fucking HULK.

Oh, and I'm a big fat nerd. Seriously, it can't be any worse than the shit-fest we sat through the first time around.

Um, didn't we all see this movie before when it was called "Army of Darkness," or "Terminator 2", or "Encino Man?"

What Happens in Vegas
WTF is up with the look on his face and the stupid ass finger point? Looks like he's threatening to kill and eat Cameron Diaz if we don't piss about the ten bucks to see this crap.

Ashton, I'm calling your bluff. Kill away. Maybe send me a finger, just to prove you're serious.

The Strangers
Does anybody really think Liv Tyler can carry a movie on her own? Especially when they try to sell her based on a movie poster in which she has the same look my 4-year-old daughter gets when she has an accident?

12:19 PM  
Blogger Allie-gator said...

THANKS GOD a boy see's the real Angelina Jolie!
she's actually a crazy person!!!
HAHA!! Love it!

Good post...I'm sure I won't go see any of these movies now.

12:21 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

- Couldn't agree more about A.J. She's a skinny man with boobs. I'm much more of a Tina Fey kinda guy.
- I'm curious to see Ed Norton in The Hulk, he was badass in American History X, maybe he'll bring that back.
- I'm pretty sure Ashton's finger has crabs.

12:41 PM  
Anonymous Angelina Jolie®™©™ said...

I would TOTALLY do me.

AND my creepy brother.

12:55 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

JustinS... Despite Liv Tyler's presense (so not a fan, btw), I think The Strangers actually looks like some creepy-ass fun. I can handle shitty actresses much better when they're in movies where screaming and looking scared is all that's required of them. Also, regarding Ang Lee's HULK... how boring was that? Soooooooo boring.

Allie-gator... I'm trying to start a movement to bring more guys into the "Angelina Jolie Is Gross" fold.

Todd... That one part in American History X where they make that dude "bite the curb" fucking haunts me to this day.

Angelina Jolie... Ew.

12:59 PM  
Blogger i i eee said...

I'm also happy to hear that Angelina isn't the shiz bomb, yo. Sometimes I look at pictures of her and I think she's pretty, other times I'm really really weirded out.

"It's like Beowulf fell into a large tank of WTF batter and came out babbling about swords and lasers and rips in the inter-dimensional fabric."

Damn, Clinton. That's the funniest thing I've read all day. I need to find myself a tank of WTF batter.

5:41 PM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

I feel like I have to be the voice of reason here. You and the Minions that are agreeing with you about Angelina are WRONG and on a on a bad Hater trip... Stop the hating. its just wrong! Take it back Clinton. first Ketchup only for french fries? and now Jolie is not Hot? You are absolutely CRAZY My internet friend.

5:47 PM  

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