Monday, April 28, 2008

White Rabbit Candy Is Amazing

NOTE: You can look at this as an appetizer to tomorrow's ICFC main course, if you like. Or don't. Whatever melts your butter, baby.
Oh my god, guys. Seriously. If you trapped an angel in a big net and knocked her unconscious and then cannibalized her like an Amazon-dweller in an Italian horror film, her flesh would taste exactly like White Rabbit candies. Creamy and vanilla custard-y and sweet... although I'd bet angel flesh wouldn't be as chewy as these guys are; it probably has a marshmallow consistency, seeing as how they're all ethereal and shit. But the White Rabbits are like photo-negative Tootsie Rolls, all off-white and cylindrical and with enough resistance to where you feel it in your jaws, but not so much that it's like trying to bite through a Gobstopper or something and you end up with a dentist calling you an asshole because, doye, you're not supposed to try to bite through those. Asshole.
Actually, White Rabbits taste like when your favorite, arty band decides, just for giggles, to release a sugary pop song and they get all famous for it and you're so happy they're getting the attention, even though it sounds like nothing else in their back catalogue. Here, of course, I'm thinking of The Cardigans and their song "Lovefool," which is the lone, sparkly, dance-with-all-your-friends-high-on-Red-Bull tune amid their moody, group-suicide-sounds-better-than-an-evening-out repertoire. You could also say they taste like "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains of Wayne, and you'd be right, but the metaphor doesn't really hold up in the grand scheme because that band is pretty poppy anyway. They just weren't famous for it until said hit.
Anyway, White Rabbits are delicious and I could listen to a bag of them for hours, if you'll allow me to extend the aforementioned metaphor to it's breaking point.
Try some!


Anonymous J. said...

I have to say that I'm a little shocked that you found a Chinese candy that doesn't taste like crap. The font was kind of strange but I am pretty sure it says 大白兔 which means "Big White Rabbit" although 大白 on its own can also mean "the truth comes out" so there may be more to this rabbit than we thought. Underneath that it says 奶糖 which means toffee or literally "milk candy". In the spirit of being as sophomoric as possible, though, 奶 also means breast, so this could be considered boob candy.

4:30 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Well let me be the first to say that Boob Candy tastes just awesome.

4:53 PM  
Anonymous Grace Slick®™©™ said...

Does one candy make you larger
And one candy make you small?!

5:04 PM  
Anonymous JustinS said...

I'm totally hungry for little white rabbit now.

Or maybe some baby seal. Anything cute, white, and fluffy would probably do.

5:19 PM  
Blogger Braden said...

I'd like to go on record as saying that I support any candy rabbit that paints using a pallette of only red, blue, and (one assumes) the natural white of the canvas.

White Rabbit Candy: Difference Maker!

5:52 PM  

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