Friday, May 09, 2008

Friday Morning Hodgepodge

I'm so tired, you guys. This week has drained me of all my energy like a vampire who runs on people's energy instead of blood because he thinks blood is all icky and stuff (he also invented Red Bull; true story!) (not true at all; C-dog lies). I think part of the problem is that, during my week home, I got used to sleeping in a house just packed to the rafters with icy, cool air conditioning. There was so much of it... cold blasts pumping in currents through the rooms like a river made of sherbet and Snow Queen tears. It was awesome (and hangover friendly!), but now it's over. I'm back in my apartment, which, like so many other apartments in New York, is sans central air. We have windows, sure, but come the motherfuck on. Windows are like a crying tranny trying to sell you a handjob for crank money next to the super-cute, punk rock drummer chick that is air conditioning. There's no comparison. It's the difference between eating a picnic lunch in the park with your friends and getting shot in the face at close range while withdrawing money from an ATM late at night. Goddammit, I hate windows so fucking much!!! Fuck!!! I'm so tired, you guys. So tired...


Last night, a year after the fact and at least two or three months past the point where everyone stopped caring, I finally got around to watching Juno. If ever there's a movie that comes dragging behind it a fuckload of pop-cultural baggage, it's this one... the whole stripper thing, the slangy dialogue that apparently everyone hates, Diablo Cody's dress at the Oscars, it making a bazillion dollars by word-of mouth which means that hipsters have to hate it, and so on and so on. You know what I'm talking about. Juno whipped up a hurricane-sized backlash not seen since The Blair Witch Project and it was with that in mind that I sat down to check it out, unsure if I'd be able to separate the hoopla from the film itself (I'm not very smart, so it's a challenge). So, was it a Best Picture-worthy masterpiece of comedic brilliance. Oh, probably not. Did I enjoy the fuck out of it? Yep. Big time. Totally connected with the characters, the story, and the techniques used to display same. I'll admit that some of the writing smacked of trying too hard, but only a little bit, and mostly just in the first twenty minutes or so. Once the plot got rolling, all that kinda calmed down and then it was golden throughout. Ellen Page earned all the buzz she got, for sure, but the rest of the cast was just aces too. Special hollas to J.K. Simmons as Juno's dad; he's the kind of father I'd like to be one day. When I'm ready to have kids. Which I'm soooo not right now. Much like Juno herself. Ah, how the universe all connects directly to me!!! Fascinating, no? (no).


The Texas Rangers got their brawl on!!! Two things: 1) how fucking huge is Richie Sexson (the guy charging the mound)? If I were the announcer, I wouldn't be so cavalier with the calling him gutless. He might show up in your living room with a Louisville Slugger as a retort. And 2) if batters got that pissed over every chin-high pitch thrown at them, the game of baseball would be nothing but fight after fight after fight. I mean that would be awesome, but still. Not exactly baseball. Routine pitches such as that shouldn't evoke that kind of bonkers emotions. Richie Sexson is a weenie.

NOTE: That video might get taken down soon, so watch it while you can. If you want to. I mean, who am I to tell you what to do? Besides your father, of course.


Anonymous JustinS said...

heh I was about a week ahead of you on the Juno kick, and was afraid of all they hype. And was pleasantly surprised about how, well, pleasant it was. And yep, Ellen Page deserved her love, as did J. Jonah Jameson.

As for Sexson... Yeah. Man is large. He's a corn-fed home town boy out from just outside Portland, so the local sports talk radio people were all over that. Best line, though? "If you saw Richie Sexson throw his helmet before he charged the mound, you know why he's a first baseman."

10:43 AM  
Anonymous Scott H. said...

Tom Grieve (Rangers Color guy)had the best line of the night... "If they wanted to hit somebody they would have hit someone good... not someone hitting .200."

It may have been a purpose pitch but it looked to me like it was directly down the middle... just head high. The ball came nowhere close to hitting him.

They come down here next week... I'm hoping that Sexson hasn't been suspended yet and he gets plunked by Ranger reliever Franklyn German who goes about 6'7", 300lbs... They call him simply "The Big Dominican." His pansy ass may want to take something a little more threatening then his helmet and rag arm to that fight.

11:18 AM  
Blogger mmyers said...

I just saw Juno a few weeks ago for the first time. Not because of the hype but because I didn't really have time. It was fun. Did you watch the special features? Some of the dialogue they changed for the movie is odd. Character stuff.

FYI, I'm on the bloggy train now, and I have you to thank/blame for it. So thanks/blame.

11:21 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Justin... It WAS pleasent. Very much so. I felt about Juno the same way I felt about Little Miss Sunshine. It was nice to see a movie that was just enjoyable and nothing more.

Scott... I didn't realize (because I don't get Rangers broadcasts up here, I guess) that Tom Grieve was doing the color for the Rangers these days. That's awesome; I like him. Anyway, yeah, totally... I've seen that German guy. He's a hoss, for sure. Texas baseball seriously needs another Nolan Ryan/Robbie Ventura-style moment to give it a shot in the arm.

mmyers... No, I didn't watch the special features and I totally aleady sent it back. Bummer. What was different? Also, WELCOME TO THE BLOGOSPHERE!!! Your fruit basket should be coming out your modem any minute.

11:31 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...

I haven't seen Juno®™©™ yet. Isn't that some of internets provider?!

And, thanks for reminding me. I have to and buy a new scarf and some earmuffs to use in my comfortably air conditioned apartment.

12:06 PM  
Anonymous David said...

If you like Vampires that don't suck blood watch LifeForce. It was made in the early eighties and is kind of weird but still if you think blood is icky it's right up your alley. I'm not even going to mention the one vampire who likes sucking the life out of men in the nude.

12:24 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Louix... Way to rub it in, dude. Ouch. And also, I'm sleeping over tonight. And every night. I'll be drinking heavily, so stock up.

David... Dude, who ya talking to? I've totally seen Lifeforce. Weird little flick, that one.

12:29 PM  
Anonymous Scott H. said...

The good news is that Nolan is our team President. From the looks of Kason Gabbard's "play dead and let the big bear bat you around until he gets bored" fighting style, I would say Nolan needs to gather the pitchers and give some steer rasslin' pointers!

12:45 PM  
Blogger Lioux said...

Wow. I'm sorry I made you misspell my name and all.

You must be upset.

But I'll make it up to you with our sleep over. We can do each other's hair and nails and talk about boys and stuff.

And maybe have a pillow fight in our underwear.

12:51 PM  
Blogger mmyers said...

Thanks, man. We'll see how diligent I am with writing stuff and being entertaining and all that garbage.

A lot of Ellen Page's references to hip things (punk rock music) were changed from her loving classic rock and some other little things like that. Also there were a couple of things omitted from her conversation with Jason Bateman. Nothing sexual, just little bits of information that I've already forgotten.

And I thought Jason Bateman was pretty solid as well.

12:54 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Scott... Nolan Ryan should put on a clinic, for sure. Him beating up Ventura is still one of my top five baseball memories of all time. Dude's a bad ass forever because of that (and, you know, everything else he did in his career).

Lioux... Sorry, I was blinded by rage. But I calmed down at the very *mention* of a pillow fight!!! Exciting!!!

mmyers... That's interesting. I'll have to check it out again at some point. As for Jason Bateman... yeah, that guy's aces. I'm so glad Arrested Development revived his career because he's always a solid addition to a cast.

1:43 PM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

It's not so much the lack of central air that bothers me- it's the fact that my super (or landlord?) deems it necessary to turn on the heater when the high is 75 fucking degrees!

2:59 PM  

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