Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Unacceptable Uses For Robots

Robots are meant for dealing out cold-eyed death (like in Robocop) and/or being sassy housekeepers (like in The Jetsons). Using them for any other purpose is unacceptable and will only lead to a society like that one in the shitty Will Smith movie where robots are everywhere and then suddenly they're all evil... Six Degrees of Separation, I believe it was. This cannot be. So, to illustrate my point, I've provided below five example of how robots are currently being used in a manner that will ultimately lead to the downfall of our civilization. No need to thank me... unless it's with a large, gold statue. Which you worship. I will also take cash.

Robot Conductor (Symphony)

Giving them control of our music is like handing them the keys to our nation and saying, "Drive, you metal bastards! Drive us straight to hell!!!" You know the first thing they're going to do is ban rock and pop and soul and jazz and replace it all with techno. Because they, themselves, are techno!!! Well, they're techno...logy, which is essentially the same thing. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life listening to "thump, bloop, bleep, ping, blat, thump, bloop, bleep, ping, blat?" I mean, maybe it wouldn't be so bad with a kickin' bass line and some Red Bulls, but still... sometimes you just want to listen to a David Bowie song, but when the robots take over, you won't be able to. They'll kill David Bowie. Because he's awesome and they can't have him leading the revolution.

Surgery Robot

Hey Mr. Robot, why don't you slice open my chest cavity and poke around with your sharp robot fingers and your robot lasers and... oops... it looks like you chopped up all my organs into fresh sashimi and then you ground my spine into a fine powder because, doye, you're a robot and I'm a fucking idiot! C'mon, people... some of these aren't that obvious, granted, but this one's common sense. Give the robots a taste of blood and they're only going to gain sentience that much faster.

Robot Soccer Players

So cute, right? They're all kicking around a ball with painted-on smiles and how could they possibly cause our world to die screaming? Because this is how it starts, people!!! We teach them sports and it's a charming novelty, but then they start to get good at it... first soccer, then basketball, then baseball, then football... hockey, they leave alone (ice is not their friend)... and suddenly, all our major athletes are out of work. Do you want to deal with a down-on-his-luck Alex Rodriguez? A broke and desperate Terrell Owens? A junk-sick and crying Tom Brady? Of course not... and no one's going to pay to see these games. There will be no thrill, no joy in victory, no sorrow in defeat. Just clanking metal and goal after three-pointer after home run after touchdown and on and on and on. Oh, and the world will blow up because of that. Somehow...

Robot Band

Remember what I said about the Robot Conductor? This is "Phase 2." What you can't see is the audience, who are all strapped in with their eyes pinned open Clockwork Orange-style and the music... the techno music... can barely be heard over all the screaming. And the worst thing? The band's only doing techno covers of David Bowie songs. Can you imagine how demoralizing that would be? It's like a slaughterhouse shoved in your ear times a million.

Robot... Um... Jellyfish, I Guess

I don't know what these are. And that scares me. But I have a theory... Somewhere, deep underground, below a mountain in the Rockies, there's a large, cold room with a water tank hooked up to every computer mainframe in the world via a special series of wires bought at Radio Shack on sale. Inside this tank... they sit. And wait. And monitor all the robot conductors and robot surgeons and robot athletes and robot bands and, when the time is right... when the world has been sufficiently saturated with their mechanical brothers... they'll strike. They'll cut the power, the gas, the phones... everything. Our world will be plunged into chaos. Then the robots take over. For good. And as their techno anthem rings in all our ears, these guys will remain in their tank, running the show. They will become the new face of God.
I'm pretty sure that's what these are. Unless they're like some weird Japanese toy or something. Then never mind.


Blogger Lioux said...

OMG, Clinton!!!

You're right!

I think I may have uncovered yet another small part of the robots plan leading to World Domination!

Scary stuff.

Scary stuff.

10:32 AM  
Anonymous C3PO®™©™ said...

I shall sing a song for you now Master Clinton:

A little piece of you
The little peace in me
Will die
For this is not america

Blossom falls to bloom
This season
Promise not to stare
Too long
For this is not a miracle

There was a time
A storm that blew so pure
For this could be the biggest sky
And I could have
The faintest idea

Snowman melting
From the inside
Falcon spirals
To the ground
So bloody red
Tomorrows clouds

A little piece of you
The little piece in me
Will die
For this is not america

There was a time
A wind that blew so young
For this could be the biggest sky
And I could have the faintest idea

This could be the biggest sky
This could be a miracle
This could be etc

10:37 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Lioux... Isn't it just? We're on the eve of destruction.

C-3PO... You'll not win my heart with Falcon & The Snowman references, you gold bastard.

10:43 AM  
Blogger surviving myself said...

Robocop should come back and kick all of these bastards asses.

Though, really, Robo was a cyborg, cause he was still Murphy under all that metal.

11:01 AM  
Anonymous JustinS said...

What, no robot vixens?!

And the jellyfish? Prototypes for these:

11:01 AM  
Anonymous David said...

There was an article awhile back that discussed that soon we would have robot sex partners (not Coin Operated Boy). Think of the possible ways they could kill you while having sex. You need to think about joining, "Humans to Oppose and Prevent the Domination of Robots". I'm sure there is a chapter somewhere in the city.

11:13 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Surviving... I should have been more clear, I was actually thinking of those big, hulking defense robots from Robocop. The ones that kill that guy in the boardroom during the "demonstration." Thems was crazy.

Justin... I'm still sussing out the good and the bad re: robo-vixens. Doing lots of tests. Lots. I'm having sex with my computer, is what I'm trying to say. It's not that great.

David... I'm not really much of a group-joiner. Can they just send me some pamphlets or something?

11:17 AM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Robots don't scare me.

I have Old Glory Insurance.

Nanobots, however, scare the shizz out of me.

3:05 PM  
Blogger Margarito said...

It's a ingenious jellyfish, all kind of robots are amazing! each photo has something crazy in the content. It's so crazy: robot conductors,robot surgeons, robot athletes and robot using Generic Viagra can you believe that?

1:31 PM  

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