Wednesday, June 25, 2008

"Let's Do Some Shots!" Part 3

NOTE: Since birth, roughly, I would estimate that I have done somewhere in the neighborhood of nine million shots. Give or take. Here now, the first chapter in an ongoing attempt to recall every single one. Which I realize is sort of an exercise in self-defeat, seeing as how I'm trying to remember the individual varieties of the very things that have most contributed to my Swiss-cheese memory. It's like rain on your wedding day, huh?

Nonetheless, let's get this party started! LET'S DO SOME SHOTS!!!

Vodka - Like being stabbed in the throat by a Russian made of ice. Or having your chest caved in by the middle of winter in Minnesota. Or drowning in a lake on Pluto. It's cold, is the point I'm trying to make here... at least, it should be cold. Some people don't store their vodka in the freezer and those people are worse than any serial killer you could name; yes, even the ones that store their victim's heads in the freezer, which kind of brings my point around full circle (not really). Anyway, doing a shot of vodka is great because it slips down all smooth-like... none of the burn like whiskey or potential felonies like tequila... and it doesn't even matter if you're shooting Grey Goose or Stoli or Georgi or whatever rotgut from the bottom shelf was on sale at the liquor store in the bad part of town, because ALL VODKA TASTES THE SAME!!! I know there are "experts" out there who claim they can tell the difference between the high-end stuff and the junk hobos buy using all nickels but those "experts" are LIARS! Also FRAUDS! And possibly the aforementioned SERIAL KILLERS! Vodka tastes like vodka, no matter what you pay for it (and if you're paying more than $9.99 for a bottle of vodka, then you're a fool wrapped in a doofus concealed behind a monolith called "Doye.")

The Stoplight - The Stoplight represents everything that is wrong with the current state of America's shot culture. It's a master's thesis entitled "You're Doing It Wrong," and here's why: The Stoplight consists of sour apple Schnapps, cinnamon Schnapps, and gold tequila all layered in a shot glass. Because when you do it like that, it looks like a stoplight! See... with the green and the red and the yellow... STOPLIGHT!!! Never mind the fact that those three liquors mixed together taste like shit! It's a visual pun that gets freshmen girls to take off their tops! We're all a bunch of babies who learned about drinking from watching The Real World: Las Vegas! Seriously, everyone at the Cabo Wabo Cantina... everyone at Senor Frogs and Coyote Ugly and ever college bar across the land... ENOUGH. You're missing the point so badly, the point has started to forget what you look like. The point is lonely. Good job, motherfucker... you've made the point cry with the retarded way you drink.

Flaming Sambuca - Or any drink, really, that you have to set on fire. Because there's nothing smarter that I can think of than letting drunk people wave around an open flame over glasses full of undiluted accelerants. Might as well have them investigate that gas leak while they're at it, or maybe they can set a hackey-sack aflame and do some neat tricks over near that lake of gasoline. The fact that the late-night bar scene isn't punctuated more often by shrieking infernos that used to be Business Majors proves the old adage that God looks after fools and drunks. And make no mistake... people who light their liquor on fire are both.

Bullshot - Beef bullion, Tabasco sauce, vodka, a little seasoning... it's more like a soup than it is a shot. But it is delicious and if you drink it first thing in the morning after a night of partying, it will attack your hangover like a pit bull running down a toddler. Three or four of these and you'll be raring to hop back on the Goodship Boogie-Down as it sails out towards the deep waters of Fun Time Ocean.

Cement Mixer - How mean? Sooooo mean. If you're unfamiliar... i.e. your friends aren't assholes... it's where you have a naive, unsuspecting soul who's just looking for a good time take a shot of Bailey's Irish Cream and a shot of lime juice, making sure that he swirls them together in his mouth before swallowing. Because science can be a cruel motherfucker sometimes, the Bailey's and the lime juice react all weird and the whole mix thickens and curdles into a sludge that's not unlike wet cement (hence the name). It's disgusting. And it makes a lot of people hurl. Though it should be pointed out that, if it's not happening to you, it IS hilarious. The looks on their faces ALONE is worth wasted liquor and eventual karmic backlash.


Anonymous wishmewell said...

is it shot day already? sweet!

i think the hallmark of having cruel friends is if you've ever done a cement mixer.

also, in the departed spirit of it came from chinatown i should tell you about bai jo (or something like that, its apparently hard to google) its the most foul liquor i have ever tasted. if you keep the shot down you blackout, but mostly you just get rid of it (and whatever else you have in your stomach immediately).
my friends are coming back from china next week and bringing like 20 bottles. (they cost the equivalent of a quarter or something like that)

10:25 AM  
Blogger Subway Gal said...

What about the red-headed slut? For girls like me who sometimes have trouble keeping down shots of hard liquor, this is a great shot! Among the fruity liquors and juice, it contains Jager, which is kinda hardcore so it doesn't make me feel like a total sissy when drinking it.

10:40 AM  
Anonymous JustinS said...

Man, I hate to be That Guy, but I have to throw the bullshit flag on the all-vodka-is-alike notion. Sure, maybe the taste is roughly the same, but I've definitely seen a relationship between higher quality and lessening of the burn.

And, since my wife and her family are Finnish (like my wife moved here from there as a wee lass) and my couch isn't that comfortable, I'm obligated to plug Finlandia as King of the Vodkas.

10:49 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Wish... That stuff sounds awesome! And by "awesome" I of course mean "really entertaining to watch someone else drink." What does it taste like? Gasoline, or is there any sort of flavor to it?

Subway... I've known a couple of red-headed sluts that were alcoholics, but I'm not familar with any red-headed sluts that are alcoholic DRINKS. Sounds interesting; though I tend to shy away from the fruitier concoctions, I'll have to give it a whirl.

Justin... Serial killer!!! But yeah, I've had other people call bullshit on that before. I think there was even a Mythbusters episode about it. So it's probably just me and my broken vodka taster or something.

11:29 AM  
Anonymous wishmewell said...

there is no actual taste because it instantly turns your taste buds into ash. it sorta feels like gas, but i'm pretty sure it would corrode your car engine so i don't recommend using it as fuel

perhaps i'll take some reaction shots at the fourth of july party.

yeah, the mythbusters episode on vodka, by the way, they proved that if you run your cheapo vodka through ur brita it becomes more like good vodka

11:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry, Clinton, I kinda have to agree with Justin and call an audible. It's kind of a palate thing, but since vodka is sort of the getalong gang of primary spirits, it's less of an issue when you mix it w/ cran, triple sec. I can't say which one is a Grey Goose, which one is a Smirnov, but since GG is more finely distilled, it tends to taste better.

Personally I'm a Gvori man, which I have two bottles of in my freezer.

Sonny Amou

12:30 PM  
Blogger Anthony said...

Tho I agree with your assessment of what you call a stoplight, where I come from a stoplight is thus:

1 Kamikazee Shot (green)
1 Yellow Cake Shot (yellow, duh.)
1 Cinnamin Schnapps Shot (red)

Line the three shots up in a row and do them all in a row.... THAT'S A STOPLIGHT.

3:52 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Wish... Again, that sounds like something I need to get my hands on. Wonder if they sell it in Chinatown. Or if you need a permit to buy it, like a handgun.

Sonny... I think maybe the issue might be that I've drunk crappy, bottom-o'-the-barrel vodka for so long, it's killed my taste for it. You can only down so many pints of whatever's on sale before a part of you dies.

Anthony... That's a harcore stoplight. And now that you mention it, I think I've actually seen it done that way too. Every bar probably has their own interp.

4:02 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

The other thing about hobo vodka versus the good stuff: the hangover.

The filtered stuff, like Skyy, doesn't leave you feeling like a street whore who has just been roughed up by her pimp the next day.

I used to drink McCormick's by the gallon so I should know.

4:18 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Freshman year of college is a haze because of cheap vodka. I'm talking the 40 proof stuff that you literally had to drink by the gallon.

Does that Brita trick really work?

10:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

piracy affects porn but it's still winner during the crunch


4:37 PM  

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