"Let's Do Some Shots!" Part 3

NOTE: Since birth, roughly, I would estimate that I have done somewhere in the neighborhood of nine million shots. Give or take. Here now, the first chapter in an ongoing attempt to recall every single one. Which I realize is sort of an exercise in self-defeat, seeing as how I'm trying to remember the individual varieties of the very things that have most contributed to my Swiss-cheese memory. It's like rain on your wedding day, huh?

Nonetheless, let's get this party started! LET'S DO SOME SHOTS!!!

Vodka - Like being stabbed in the throat by a Russian made of ice. Or having your chest caved in by the middle of winter in Minnesota. Or drowning in a lake on Pluto. It's cold, is the point I'm trying to make here... at least, it should be cold. Some people don't store their vodka in the freezer and those people are worse than any serial killer you could name; yes, even the ones that store their victim's heads in the freezer, which kind of brings my point around full circle (not really). Anyway, doing a shot of vodka is great because it slips down all smooth-like... none of the burn like whiskey or potential felonies like tequila... and it doesn't even matter if you're shooting Grey Goose or Stoli or Georgi or whatever rotgut from the bottom shelf was on sale at the liquor store in the bad part of town, because ALL VODKA TASTES THE SAME!!! I know there are "experts" out there who claim they can tell the difference between the high-end stuff and the junk hobos buy using all nickels but those "experts" are LIARS! Also FRAUDS! And possibly the aforementioned SERIAL KILLERS! Vodka tastes like vodka, no matter what you pay for it (and if you're paying more than $9.99 for a bottle of vodka, then you're a fool wrapped in a doofus concealed behind a monolith called "Doye.")

The Stoplight - The Stoplight represents everything that is wrong with the current state of America's shot culture. It's a master's thesis entitled "You're Doing It Wrong," and here's why: The Stoplight consists of sour apple Schnapps, cinnamon Schnapps, and gold tequila all layered in a shot glass. Because when you do it like that, it looks like a stoplight! See... with the green and the red and the yellow... STOPLIGHT!!! Never mind the fact that those three liquors mixed together taste like shit! It's a visual pun that gets freshmen girls to take off their tops! We're all a bunch of babies who learned about drinking from watching The Real World: Las Vegas! Seriously, everyone at the Cabo Wabo Cantina... everyone at Senor Frogs and Coyote Ugly and ever college bar across the land... ENOUGH. You're missing the point so badly, the point has started to forget what you look like. The point is lonely. Good job, motherfucker... you've made the point cry with the retarded way you drink.

Flaming Sambuca - Or any drink, really, that you have to set on fire. Because there's nothing smarter that I can think of than letting drunk people wave around an open flame over glasses full of undiluted accelerants. Might as well have them investigate that gas leak while they're at it, or maybe they can set a hackey-sack aflame and do some neat tricks over near that lake of gasoline. The fact that the late-night bar scene isn't punctuated more often by shrieking infernos that used to be Business Majors proves the old adage that God looks after fools and drunks. And make no mistake... people who light their liquor on fire are both.

Bullshot - Beef bullion, Tabasco sauce, vodka, a little seasoning... it's more like a soup than it is a shot. But it is delicious and if you drink it first thing in the morning after a night of partying, it will attack your hangover like a pit bull running down a toddler. Three or four of these and you'll be raring to hop back on the Goodship Boogie-Down as it sails out towards the deep waters of Fun Time Ocean.

Cement Mixer - How mean? Sooooo mean. If you're unfamiliar... i.e. your friends aren't assholes... it's where you have a naive, unsuspecting soul who's just looking for a good time take a shot of Bailey's Irish Cream and a shot of lime juice, making sure that he swirls them together in his mouth before swallowing. Because science can be a cruel motherfucker sometimes, the Bailey's and the lime juice react all weird and the whole mix thickens and curdles into a sludge that's not unlike wet cement (hence the name). It's disgusting. And it makes a lot of people hurl. Though it should be pointed out that, if it's not happening to you, it IS hilarious. The looks on their faces ALONE is worth wasted liquor and eventual karmic backlash.