Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Losing Weight

I weighed myself last night and this morning I'm looking at all food like it's the proverbial devil with the blue dress on. Tempting, but evil... sure it tastes good all slutty and warm in your mouth (provided we're talking about, say, a double-bacon cheeseburger deluxe, which we are), but after the moment of ecstasy fades... after the remnants of beef juice are wiped away and all that's left is a daub of mustard on your shirt... that's when it strikes! Or, rather, it spreads out... to your ass and thighs and gut and man-boobs.

What I'm trying to say is, guess what you guys... I'm totally fat. Like, to an unhealthy degree. I'm the kind of fat that leads to people shaking their heads in a cemetery on a Wednesday afternoon while saying, "He was so young... but still, a body can only process so many blocks of Wisconsin cheddar and deep-fried Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Tragedy, though, that his heart exploded out of his chest like it did. Reminded one of a 4th of July celebration! But disgusting."

Morbidly obese is what they call the state I'm in. Morbid. As in, "you're gonna die, you fat sack of crap." I don't mind telling you how much I weigh... in fact, I think putting it out there is going to do me a world of good (and I'll get to why I think that in a second). So here goes... kiddos, your old pal C-dog is exactly one pound shy of a perfect bowling score. That's right... 299 pounds of steel and sex appeal and very little muscle tone and more blubber than most Eskimos see in a lifetime and Cheez-It crumbs and residual sorrow for the semi-demi-quasi-athlete I once was. Which, by the way, is one of the worst parts about all of this... I used to not be all that fat. I mean, I've always been a stout sort, but you know... there was a point in my life... and I've got the sexy pictures to prove it... where I could be called "in shape" and "physically fit" without back up from an ironic wink or the peals of a cranked-up sitcom laugh track.

And the fact that I've let that slip away blows goats, man. The cold, hard fact of the matter is that I'm about a month and a half shy of my 28th birthday... not getting any younger, though I'll be the first to admit that I'm not quite ready for an AARP membership just yet. But the older one gets, the harder it is to lose the excess weight. Laziness becomes ingrained like driving a standard or riding a bike or walking in high heels (all of which I do wonderfully, by the way, including the laziness). Old habits... bad habits... they take root and they ruin your life the way weeds can ruin a lovely golf course that goes ungroomed or a garden that gets left behind when the guy who tends to it dies because he's an enormous fat ass who people always assumed was a manager at Dominos because he constantly smelled like a pepperoni pizza.

Which brings me to my point: It is time to lose some weight. Now, I'm realistic... I don't think I'll be looking like a Tour de France winner by late August. I don't think I can just cut back a little and suddenly I'll get mistaken for Iggy Pop. I don't think that this will be easy. Because it won't. But it has to happen... like, has to. Which is why I'm bringing it up now, in public; I don't mind telling you how much I weigh because now it's out there, in the world, or at least it's in the brains of the people that read this blog. And that will serve as a motivating factor; me knowing that you know how fat I am and that you're judging me (in my mind, anyway) will serve as that prod to put down the bag of chips and take a walk around the neighborhood! It's better living through perceived guilt!!!

So yeah... the journey towards a healthy, slimmer C-dog begins today. I'm going to take it slow, at first. I'm not immediately switching from Italian heroes to a plate of mashed yeast or something because that would lead to a complete mental breakdown on par with that guy in A Beautiful Mind who thought he was being followed by the CIA. I don't need that. Being crazy and fat is just unacceptable. But still... the healthiness starts now. Counting calories, making an effort towards exercising more, enough with the lazy all ready... that sort of thing.

Fingers crossed, mon amis. Here's hopin' this takes.


Anonymous JustinS said...

I'm right there with you. Ok, not exactly in the same number, but with the same mindset (ie that I need to get back into some sort of non-round shape before my kids have to answer the "what did you do last summer" question with a horribly sad "buried my fat ass dad who was too weak to say 'no' to that last half of the XL pizza and too lazy to to a pushup every now and then.")

I started biking to work this week and, again along the same lines of your throwing-the-number out there, created an exercise/weight log and put it on my blog.

So what I'm sayin' is SOLIDARITY, brother. Maybe we can get a few other souls in our position to commit to the challenge online...

10:46 AM  
Anonymous Former American Gladiator Malibu said...

You got my line wrong... It should be "TWISTED steel and sex appeal."

Get it right fatty!

11:57 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Justin... The solidarity is appreciated, dude. We should get t-shirts or something.

Malibu... You can be really mean sometimes, Malibu. I think it's the steroids talking.

12:13 PM  
Blogger surviving myself said...

I'll buy one of those t-shirts. I support bloggers!

12:41 PM  
Anonymous Former American Gladiator Malibu said...

I'm sorry for my harsh words... I'm just a little bummed that my career tanked after the original AG and the residual checks from ESPN Classic aren't enough to pay for both my coke habit and my Rogaine need.

I kicked the 'roids years ago though. Now i'm only 148lbs of twisted steel and sex appeal.

Since you used my line, could you pay me for it? Please... I'm desparate!

12:58 PM  
Blogger Kitty said...

Best of luck, Clinton! I have also battled with my weight, so I know how it feels to hit that wall.

Though I've gained some back this past year due to utter laziness, I succeeded about 7 or 8 years ago in losing 60 pounds. The keys were: water water water, fiber, exercise, no fast food. You gotta just figure out what works for you. The first week is the toughest, then, as soon as you lose even a little bit, you actually get excited to keep going.

2:31 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Surviving... In the words of the great Bartles & James, I appreciate your support.

Malibu... I'll send you a check, dude, no problem. Can I assume you're still renting a room at the Santa Monica YMCA?

Kitty... Thanks, dude. Yeah, the first week is going to be brutal, especially since I'm one of those humans born without any sort of willpower whatsoever. But here goes nothing!

2:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good luck man! I'm in a similar boat. I decided to try the south beach diet and have lost 20 pounds already in the 2 1/2 weeks I've been doing it. I miss alcohol and caffeine but it's actually been a very easy diet to stick to. I'd suggest checking it out.

3:18 PM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

why would you want to look like a tour de france winner??

do you not like having two testicles?!

HA! get it? cuz lance fancy bracelet armstrong has one ball!

you may be fat but at least you got both your balls! rejoice in this fact c-dog!

now put down the double stuff oreos and go for a walk.

seriously though,GOOD LUCK!

3:32 PM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

Good Luck - C dog, although seriously if I were you I would go eat it up until I actually hit the perfect Bowling score and THEN lose the weight... just me. there is magic in round numbers.

3:53 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Anon... I've heard that's a good one. I'm not sure what, specificaly, I'm going to do; giving up caffiene AND alcohol is a tall order, though, for sure. I need to chemically altered in one way or the other. But thanks for the tip!

Jason... Thanks, dude. And you know, it's not really the sweet stuff that I have a problem with... not much of a candy/cookie/cake eater. Much more the chips and the fatty stuff and the beer. Those are the bullets that will kill me. UNLESS I change some stuff. As I mentioned.

Bill... And to you, thanks! I just ate a 1 pound block of beef fat, so we should be good on the round number front.

4:02 PM  
Blogger stew said...

but... who will eat the cheeseburgers?????????

5:35 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Didn't we go through this with you about the same time last year?

You could always take up meth.

The pounds will melt away, and you won't need coffee anymore.

Although you might need to take up heroin to sleep.

How do you feel about keeping your teeth?

Ha ha.


Good luck.

6:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good luck man. FYI cranberry juice is your friend for the first couple of weeks while you ramp up the exercise, even if slowly. If you want a more technical explanation, ask anyone who trained for a marathon recently. Same principle.


6:21 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Good luck brother! Stay away from fad diets though, that stuff is all bogus. If you want inspiration, Netflix Biggest Loser: Couples. Not only did it inspire me to hit the gym, but I cried like a girl when I watched the finale!

6:43 PM  
Blogger CrimsonKing2000 said...

Being crazy and fat is unacceptable. So is being crazy fat. For slimming down,may I suggest going on the treadmill while watching the fat boys movie?

7:58 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Stew... I've hired some Mexicans from outside the Home Depot for that.

Big Daddy... Hey hey hey, we're all about being POSITIVE here. Pointing out my past failures at quitting the fat-assed life does not fit in with that mission statement.

Sonny... Dude, I *love* cranberry juice. It's all tart and wonderful, like an aloof girl who lets you drink her. So glad to hear it's good for you and whatnot.

Todd... I'm more about Netflixing horror movies and/or movies with lots of boobies. Does The Biggest Loser: Couples have lots of boobies or violent gory death? Also, fad diets... I'm just going to do that cayenne pepper diet thing that Beyonce did to get in shape for Dreamgirls. What's the worst that could happen???

Crimson... I'm queueing up my copy of Disorderlies as we speak!

10:39 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

It does have boobies, but half of them are on men.

10:06 AM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

clint- you're speaking to the queen of willpower here. I suggest writing everything you eat down, helps a lot. Also, get an eating disorder. It's been helping us girls lose weight since vomitoriums!


12:58 PM  

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