Arbitrary Rulings 10

Fruit - It's pretty cool, I guess. I had a bowl of pineapple last night (fresh from the little stand that never closes down the street from my apartment) and it was like eating big chunks of fresh, clean sunshine that had just enough sweetness to remind me that somewhere in the world, someone was probably falling in love. I also had some grapes, but they didn't really inspire any sort of emotional upwelling in me, so... you know... I guess they weren't trying hard enough. The other thing you should know about fruit is that you should never, never compare apples to oranges. That's like the "N-word" to them. Oh, also, bananas sorta look like penises. It's true! And hilarious!

Exit Sign - You don't get enough credit for the work you do, Exit Sign. You're always there, hanging out on the ceiling or on the wall just over a door, standing ever vigilante in your duty like a sculpture inspired by the word "readiness." It's hard to look at you without my eyes filling up and spilling over down my grateful cheeks. When that day comes, Exit Sign, when we suddenly need to find the exit of a building as quickly as possible, we know that you won't let us down. You'll be there for us, Exit Sign, when the rain starts to fall. Thank you... thank you... these are happy tears...

Once - Finally got around to seeing this movie and, going in, I had pretty much convinced myself that I wasn't going to enjoy it. It's not one of my favorite qualities about myself, but I have a tendency to, when everyone in the world starts liking something hardcore, decide that it probably sucks and that I want no part of it. Usually, I do this without, you know, having actually seen or experienced the movie or album or book in question, thus making me the worst kind of culture snob outside of those Williamsburg skinny-jeans wearers who only listen to music by bands that don't exist and whose favorite movies are four hour documentaries on the plight of the Kurdish yak shepherd. Anyway, I bring this up because I want to point out that this line of thinking of mine is totally retarded... Once was an excellent, sweet, unexpectedly moving film and I've been listening to the soundtrack for like two weeks straight. The national consciousness occasionally gets one right, turns out, so I shouldn't be such a jerkwad about it. Here's a little taste of the film if you haven't seen it. This song makes me go, "grlmph," but in a good way.

Eli Manning - Dork.

Hiccups - Totally lame. I've got them right now and they're pushing me ever closer to the line where, once crossed, I have no choice but to trash the office with my bare hands and then go drink liquor from a paper bag while standing around outside of an Off-Track Betting parlor. What are hiccups, anyway? I don't think even science knows. I do have a theory, though, and if science want's to adopt it as medical fact, they certainly can... for a price ($85). The theory is this: Hiccups are farts with Masters degrees. Because they're at the top of their class, they get to exit the body out the mouth, as opposed to the butt. This is the highest honor a fart can achieve, so think about that next time you've got the hiccups. Sure they're still lame, but they're a kind of lameness that studies hard and gets good grades. At Fart University.