Ten Things That Shouldn't Be Fun, But Totally Are
NOTE: Occasional ZFS! commenter Hex had a similar list on his blog and, because I'm devious, I've decided to appropriate his idea for my own ill-gotten gains. To be fair, he did encourage people to make their own lists, so I'm not just outright shanking the guy, but still... devious. Also, I stole his wallet.
Getting yelled at by an old man - Sure, you're getting yelled at and that's no fun. But when it's an old man doing the yelling... why, that's like time travel back to an age when swear words were hilarious references to the German War Machine and everyone fist fought according to the strict Marquis of Queensberry Rules. He'll probably get so mad, he'll come after you with his cane! And then he'll go back inside to take a nap in his bathrobe while watching Wheel of Fortune! And if you're really lucky, he'll be so drunk, he'll think you're his grandson and you'll get some delicious Werther's Originals. God, old men are better than tickets to a Broadway show, entertainment-wise.
The song "Sk8tr Boi" by Avril Lavigne - Only because it probably helped a bunch of young punks get laid in the eighth grade by the future female gold-diggers who didn't want to blow their chance at bagging the next Johnny Rzeznik. Or some such.
To Catch A Predator - It scares the crap out of me how much I enjoy this show. I think I must have been molested by a creepy, Indian math teacher in a past life because... damn... when Chris Hansen pops out and drops the "you just got life-fucked on national TV" elbow, I get giddy like I just won Homecoming Queen as a Sophomore! I mean, like, that never happens!!! It's always totally a Senior.
Living in one of the worst parts of New York - It kind of sucks when you actually have to put up with the wide assortment of ghetto bullshit every day, but then again, once you realize that you've got an overflowing treasure trove of hilarious stories about crack dealers and diseased prostitutes and nearly getting caught in a drive-by outside of the projects... well, you'll be pleased to know you'll rarely have to buy a drink again because people will treat you like you just came back from 'Nam.
Having the flu - Daytime TV when you've got a 105 degree fever is like watching The Wall on twelve tabs of Screaming Purple Microdot. Regis will actually come out of your Panasonic and hold a cold washrag to your forehead while he asks you what new projects you're working on. It's true! And haven't you always wanted to meet Regis? I'll answer for you: Of course you have. Now go start licking handrails and leaning in when people cough.
Bam Margera - He's a douchebag, like an ADD version of that kid in elementary school who came from a bad home and consequently would bet people he could get the swing all the way around the top bar without falling off. But let's face it, those kids made growing up a total blast. One minute you're hucking firecrackers at cop cars, the next you're hopping fences with your hands full of boosted Penthouses as you try to outrun the Chinese owner of the Stop N' Shop whom you're pretty sure you saw pull out a gun right before you hit the parking lot... ah, to be young and in need of medication again.
Your first group shower in prison - It's the prefect way to get rid of any and all low self-esteem issues. Believe me, you'll be the center of attention. Well, part of you will be anyway. Hi-oh!!!
Unnecessary anal rape jokes - The people that would like to hand out out a stern lecture on the true horrors of our nations prisons can't right now. They're too busy giggling. Because prison assault is a thing of comedy, much like the later work of The Three Stooges after they lost Curly and subsequently took on that violent rapist, Shemp.
Taking lighthearted blog posts to really dark places for no good reason, all the while leaving one's self vulnerable to a lawsuit from the Shemp Howard estate - Hey, I'm going to get to meet The Three Stooges!!! What do you mean they're all dead?
Having to issue a public apology to the Shemp Howard estate - Look, I'm really sorry I said that vile, slanderous think about the esteemed Shemp Howard. He was an exemplary human being, a master of physical comedy, and if he were here right now I'd give him one of my World Famous Hot-Oil Rubdowns, with or without "happy ending." There, now will you please get the lawyers off my nuts? They are not gentle.
Getting yelled at by an old man - Sure, you're getting yelled at and that's no fun. But when it's an old man doing the yelling... why, that's like time travel back to an age when swear words were hilarious references to the German War Machine and everyone fist fought according to the strict Marquis of Queensberry Rules. He'll probably get so mad, he'll come after you with his cane! And then he'll go back inside to take a nap in his bathrobe while watching Wheel of Fortune! And if you're really lucky, he'll be so drunk, he'll think you're his grandson and you'll get some delicious Werther's Originals. God, old men are better than tickets to a Broadway show, entertainment-wise.
The song "Sk8tr Boi" by Avril Lavigne - Only because it probably helped a bunch of young punks get laid in the eighth grade by the future female gold-diggers who didn't want to blow their chance at bagging the next Johnny Rzeznik. Or some such.
To Catch A Predator - It scares the crap out of me how much I enjoy this show. I think I must have been molested by a creepy, Indian math teacher in a past life because... damn... when Chris Hansen pops out and drops the "you just got life-fucked on national TV" elbow, I get giddy like I just won Homecoming Queen as a Sophomore! I mean, like, that never happens!!! It's always totally a Senior.
Living in one of the worst parts of New York - It kind of sucks when you actually have to put up with the wide assortment of ghetto bullshit every day, but then again, once you realize that you've got an overflowing treasure trove of hilarious stories about crack dealers and diseased prostitutes and nearly getting caught in a drive-by outside of the projects... well, you'll be pleased to know you'll rarely have to buy a drink again because people will treat you like you just came back from 'Nam.
Having the flu - Daytime TV when you've got a 105 degree fever is like watching The Wall on twelve tabs of Screaming Purple Microdot. Regis will actually come out of your Panasonic and hold a cold washrag to your forehead while he asks you what new projects you're working on. It's true! And haven't you always wanted to meet Regis? I'll answer for you: Of course you have. Now go start licking handrails and leaning in when people cough.
Bam Margera - He's a douchebag, like an ADD version of that kid in elementary school who came from a bad home and consequently would bet people he could get the swing all the way around the top bar without falling off. But let's face it, those kids made growing up a total blast. One minute you're hucking firecrackers at cop cars, the next you're hopping fences with your hands full of boosted Penthouses as you try to outrun the Chinese owner of the Stop N' Shop whom you're pretty sure you saw pull out a gun right before you hit the parking lot... ah, to be young and in need of medication again.
Your first group shower in prison - It's the prefect way to get rid of any and all low self-esteem issues. Believe me, you'll be the center of attention. Well, part of you will be anyway. Hi-oh!!!
Unnecessary anal rape jokes - The people that would like to hand out out a stern lecture on the true horrors of our nations prisons can't right now. They're too busy giggling. Because prison assault is a thing of comedy, much like the later work of The Three Stooges after they lost Curly and subsequently took on that violent rapist, Shemp.
Taking lighthearted blog posts to really dark places for no good reason, all the while leaving one's self vulnerable to a lawsuit from the Shemp Howard estate - Hey, I'm going to get to meet The Three Stooges!!! What do you mean they're all dead?
Having to issue a public apology to the Shemp Howard estate - Look, I'm really sorry I said that vile, slanderous think about the esteemed Shemp Howard. He was an exemplary human being, a master of physical comedy, and if he were here right now I'd give him one of my World Famous Hot-Oil Rubdowns, with or without "happy ending." There, now will you please get the lawyers off my nuts? They are not gentle.
posted by Clinton at 6:57 PM
2 Comments:
I enjoy TCaP a lot too. I watch the videos on youtube a lot. Some of the predators are so memorable.
I get more humor enjoyment out of a replayed TCaP segment then almost anything else on tv.
If you haven't seen the old guy who looks like he came from a Resident Evil game, go to youtube and type RETIREE TEACHER in the search bar and watch the first movie that pops up. You will not regret it. It's the funniest TCaP bust in the shows history in my opinion.
Hahah -- Great List!
I've always suspected that even the most complain-iest New Yorkers adore the city in part because it's such a crazy place.
It reminds me of that old Larry Miller joke where he says
"So I'm in California visiting friends and there was a little earthquate/aftershock thing that happened and it really freaked me out.
And then one of my California-born friends laughs at me and says 'Look at the Tough New Yorker, scared of a harmless little earth tremor'
..So I shot him."
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