Achievable Resolutions
NOTE: Seeing as how I'm notoriously lousy at sticking to my New Years resolutions (usually I'm back on the sauce, eating cream cheese directly from the container, and spending all my money on solid gold pants well before February rolls around), I've decided that this year I'm going to aim much, much, muchmuchmuch, lower. Herewith, my list of achievable resolutions...
This year, I'm going to...
...not eat so much that I end up weighing 1225 pounds like that one dude they've been showing on the The Learning Channel. Like, I know I'm overweight and shit, but that guy makes me look like Iggy Pop. I don't think it's actually, physically possibly for me to ever get that fat, thus making this a perfect resolution for the list.
...continue breathing in oxygen at regular intervals.
...avoid travelling back in time to WWII-era Germany so I can punch Hitler in the nuts. See, if I were to do that, the flow of history would be disrupted and we may all wind up stuck in an alternate reality where up is down, left is right, and in Russia, car drives YOU!!!
...never stop quoting Mean Girls at work with my favorite gay. "One time Regina George punched me in the face... it was awesome!"
...rock the mighty Thunderdumps.
...watch more movies with gratuitous nudity, excessive violence, and language that would make a 50-year-old dock worker faint after exclaiming, "Heavens to Betsy!!!" I feel like I'm going soft, you see, and I need to re-toughen my constitution. Also, boobies are so neat, they're like a religion for your eyes.
...carry on with being unbelievably charming and handsome. It'll be tough, but when you're a person like me, you have no choice but to shoulder that particular burden.
This year, I'm going to...
...not eat so much that I end up weighing 1225 pounds like that one dude they've been showing on the The Learning Channel. Like, I know I'm overweight and shit, but that guy makes me look like Iggy Pop. I don't think it's actually, physically possibly for me to ever get that fat, thus making this a perfect resolution for the list.
...continue breathing in oxygen at regular intervals.
...avoid travelling back in time to WWII-era Germany so I can punch Hitler in the nuts. See, if I were to do that, the flow of history would be disrupted and we may all wind up stuck in an alternate reality where up is down, left is right, and in Russia, car drives YOU!!!
...never stop quoting Mean Girls at work with my favorite gay. "One time Regina George punched me in the face... it was awesome!"
...rock the mighty Thunderdumps.
...watch more movies with gratuitous nudity, excessive violence, and language that would make a 50-year-old dock worker faint after exclaiming, "Heavens to Betsy!!!" I feel like I'm going soft, you see, and I need to re-toughen my constitution. Also, boobies are so neat, they're like a religion for your eyes.
...carry on with being unbelievably charming and handsome. It'll be tough, but when you're a person like me, you have no choice but to shoulder that particular burden.
posted by Clinton at 2:17 PM
2 Comments:
a more manly man would have said "religion for your penis."
you're slacking, c-dog.
But I must remind you of the old French proverb that states, "Les yeux sont la fenêtre au pénis." Or, "The eyes are the window to the penis."
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