I Am Screwed
I've never really been someone who's bought into traditions. I mean, I'm not an asshole about it like Christopher Hitchens or anything, but still... doing something one year just because you did it all the years previous seems to me like a lot of wasted effort that could better be utilized by drinking heavily and/or cashing in gift cards (or both at the same time if it's a gift card for a bar). However, despite my general feelings on the subject, there's one tradition from my family that I've kept with me as I've grown up; one that's purported to bring good luck on a yearly basis to it's practitioner. I figure with the way I live my life, anything helps, superstitious bullshit or not.
The tradition? Eating black-eyed peas on New Years Day.
Why does my family do this? Dunno. I'm pretty sure we're not the only one, though. I think I heard somewhere that it's a tradition that dates back to the Civil War (or something), and I'm sure there's a rich, deep history as to it's origins. Truthfully though, I don't really care about any of that. Because right now, I'm fucking terrified.
See, yesterday, I forgot to eat my black-eyed peas. I don't know what happened... I had them at the ready (canned, but whatever), I knew that it was New Years Day, I knew that bad luck would befall me if I failed to consume them in a timely fashion... and yet, nothing. I went to sleep last night with a bellyful of Girlfriend's delicious pork stew and exactly zero magic luck beans. So now I'm totally screwed. I'm sitting here with the Sword of Damocles hanging over my head, ready to drop at any moment and cut my chunky butt in two.
Bad things are comin' for your old C-dog, kids. I can feel it. At any moment... something is... hey, what's that sou-
*CRASH*
FUCK, IT'S A NINJA!!! RUN, EVERYBODY, RUN!!! WATCH OUT FOR HIS NINJA SKILLS!!!
*CRASH*
ACK!!! ZOMBIES!!! RUN THE OTHER DIRECTION!!! IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE THE SLOW KIND THOUGH, SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT PULLING A HAMSTRING OR ANYTHING. LIKE, DON'T PURPOSEFULLY DAWDLE, BUT YOU KNOW... DON'T KNOCK YOURSELF OUT!!! YOU'LL GIVE YOURSELF A CRAMP!!!
*CRASH*
OH GOD, IT'S DRACULA!!! WHY DIDN'T I EAT MY LUCKY BLACK-EYED PEAS??? BECAUSE NOW I'VE GOT TO DEAL WITH A NINJA, SOME ZOMBIES, AND ALSO A DRACULA!!! IT COULDN'T POSSIBLY GET ANY WORSE THAN THIS!!! IT JUST COUL-
*CRASH*
SNIPER!!! AND NOT THE TOM BERENGER, STRAIGHT-TO-DVD, KIND!!! THE REAL-LIFE, SCARY KIND!!! EVERYBODY DOWN!!!
*CRASH*
HOLY SHIT, THAT'S TOPICAL!!!
*CRASH*
THE 1960's VERSION OF PETER, PAUL AND MARY!!! THAT'S... WEIRD... HUH...!!!
*CRASH*
The tradition? Eating black-eyed peas on New Years Day.
Why does my family do this? Dunno. I'm pretty sure we're not the only one, though. I think I heard somewhere that it's a tradition that dates back to the Civil War (or something), and I'm sure there's a rich, deep history as to it's origins. Truthfully though, I don't really care about any of that. Because right now, I'm fucking terrified.
See, yesterday, I forgot to eat my black-eyed peas. I don't know what happened... I had them at the ready (canned, but whatever), I knew that it was New Years Day, I knew that bad luck would befall me if I failed to consume them in a timely fashion... and yet, nothing. I went to sleep last night with a bellyful of Girlfriend's delicious pork stew and exactly zero magic luck beans. So now I'm totally screwed. I'm sitting here with the Sword of Damocles hanging over my head, ready to drop at any moment and cut my chunky butt in two.
Bad things are comin' for your old C-dog, kids. I can feel it. At any moment... something is... hey, what's that sou-
*CRASH*
FUCK, IT'S A NINJA!!! RUN, EVERYBODY, RUN!!! WATCH OUT FOR HIS NINJA SKILLS!!!
*CRASH*
ACK!!! ZOMBIES!!! RUN THE OTHER DIRECTION!!! IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE THE SLOW KIND THOUGH, SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT PULLING A HAMSTRING OR ANYTHING. LIKE, DON'T PURPOSEFULLY DAWDLE, BUT YOU KNOW... DON'T KNOCK YOURSELF OUT!!! YOU'LL GIVE YOURSELF A CRAMP!!!
*CRASH*
OH GOD, IT'S DRACULA!!! WHY DIDN'T I EAT MY LUCKY BLACK-EYED PEAS??? BECAUSE NOW I'VE GOT TO DEAL WITH A NINJA, SOME ZOMBIES, AND ALSO A DRACULA!!! IT COULDN'T POSSIBLY GET ANY WORSE THAN THIS!!! IT JUST COUL-
*CRASH*
SNIPER!!! AND NOT THE TOM BERENGER, STRAIGHT-TO-DVD, KIND!!! THE REAL-LIFE, SCARY KIND!!! EVERYBODY DOWN!!!
*CRASH*
HOLY SHIT, THAT'S TOPICAL!!!
*CRASH*
THE 1960's VERSION OF PETER, PAUL AND MARY!!! THAT'S... WEIRD... HUH...!!!
*CRASH*
EEEEEWWWW!!! IT FEELS LIKE BRAINS, EVEN THOUGH I REALLY KNOW THAT IT'S NOT!!! GRODY TO THE MAX!!! OKAY, CRUEL FATES, I'VE LEARNED MY LESSON!!! I PROMISE I'LL NEVER NOT EAT BLACK-EYED PEAS AGAIN!!!
NOTE: This dramatization has been brought to you by the National Council for the Advancement of Black-Eyed Peas (The Legume, Not The Shitty Band With That One Chick That Looks Like A Trannie). I really didn't eat my black-eyed peas though. So there's 2008 down the drain, I guess. See ya in '09.
posted by Clinton at 9:02 AM
7 Comments:
Dude, you *are* screwed. I, on the other hand, had two helpings. Don't walk under any ladders this year.
I know, right? Fuck. What's something I can do that's good luck? Catch a leprechaun or something?
Dude... my family does this as well. Due to the fact that black-eyed peas are... for lack of a better term... gross, I eat exactly one every year. I pop it like an Advil and chase it with water. May explain why I'm not all that lucky.
Damn Clint, just set your date back on your computer eat your friggen peas in front of it looking at the date and everything will be fine. Maybe, or it could be you’ll just be screwed for the whole year but it is worth a shot.
I consulted the Doctor's Book of Home Remedies, and the only advice they had was to bury a newt under a harvest moon and turn thrice widdershins.
Or ... we've still got a month till Chinese New Year (Feb. 7). Maybe you could stir fry some black-eyed peas?
I didn't eat mine, either. I don't think it matters beca
ho;y shit my rihgt arnm jusst fell of f
Throw some salt over your shoulder? I don't really know, but damn, you are funny.
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