Thursday, December 20, 2007

Movie Poster A Go-Go

The Dark Knight



I'm so amped for this movie, it's all I can do to not firehose people with jets of excited pee every time I think about it. And I think about it all the time, so that should tell you something about my super-human powers of restraint. Seriously, how fucking awesome is Heath Ledger? You got to love a guy who can bust out with Gay Cowboy one year, and then Crazy, Purple Clown-Villain the next, all while bagging Michelle Williams and looking like a million dollar version of the greasy guy who asks me for change every morning on the subway. He's like the Swiss-Army knife of actors and I kind of want to slow dance with him to a James Blunt song.

The Hottie and The Nottie



Um, what? I don't know what this movie is about (nor do I care), but I can honestly say that I'd rather have my nuts bit off by a shark during a plane crash over the killing fields of Darfur than sit through a screening of this. Side Note: Wouldn't the sight of Paris Hilton getting crushed in that machine-press thingy that they used to kill The Terminator be like the most satisfying thing you've ever seen? I think it would feel like taking a dump while drinking a bottle of expensive beer as your favorite song played in the background.

Untraceable



I've seen a lot of stupid posters in my time, but... yeesh... I don't know, this might be the stupidest ever. Are they really trying to make the hand icon a thing of terror? Really??? What's their next move, the little, yellow AOL guy raping someone?

You Don't Mess With The Zohan



Adam Sandler, I don't get your career. You started off awesome (Happy Gilmore still holds up surprisingly well), and then you did some good dramatic stuff too, and now... you're... doing... a movie about a hair-dresser assassin? Ooookay, well, like it's your life and everything, but you really should know that we all prefer you in a hockey jersey doing funny voices. This weird, "being a gay-baiting fireman, then dressing up like a Jersey guido's stylist" thing you're doing isn't really working for all of us that bought "They're All Gonna Laugh At You." Just FYI.

Flakes



There was this really hot girl on the train this morning and she was standing like right in front of me and I practically snapped my retinas trying to not look at her, lest she think I was the creepy sort. I mean, I am the creepy sort, but I don't like to advertise it, especially not so early in the AM. Anyway, I get kind of the same feeling from this poster, specifically from the poster's inclusion of the lovely Zooey Deschanel. I'm pretty sure that if I start looking at this, I'll never stop and then the movie studio's slapping me with a restraining order and everything will get all awkward when Zooey and I have our first date. That's right, Zooey Deschanel is going to be my girlfriend! And I'm creepy!!!

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull



Seeing the poster for this is like getting a full-body, hot-oil massage for my soul. And if you disagree, then we have absolutely nothing to say to each other. Ever.

7 Comments:

Blogger Hex said...

Wow, some graphic designer really earned their paycheck on that Untraceable poster, didn't they?

"Print Screen."

Ok, who's up for happy hour?

9:42 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Haha, totally! The whole art department got to knock off early that day and I'm sure they were all pleased with themselves.

10:31 AM  
Blogger Ross said...

What is hovering in front of Paris Hilton's right breast? It looks like the end of a q-tip. At first, I just thought that her breasts were abnormally shaped, but then why would she get cast as the "hot" one with uneven breasts? I just don't get the world some days.

11:15 AM  
Anonymous stew said...

I think they should have had the MSWord paperclip going, "would you like to write a panicked email?"

I should totally have their job.

ps Diane Lane and I have the same birthday. For my birthday this year, I would like her husband, who was in No Country For Old Men. GET ME IT. Thank you.

11:25 AM  
Blogger Colleen said...

Isn't that actress in Untraceable the one who was previously only in movies about a white girl dancing among black folks?

1:36 PM  
Anonymous stew said...

nuh uh she was in the movie where she bangs that really slimy guy and doesn't tell Richard Gere, and she was in that other movie where she looked really old and all my friends said, "she really has the same birthday as you???" That one.

2:36 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

I made a habit of watching them film You Don't Mess With The Zohan this past summer.

Also: Batman = very good

9:11 PM  

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