Hey, Macy's...

That's right, I just MS Paint-ed you the finger! Why? Because every time I go to you looking for presents, you never have what I want. Sure, you've got a million different pots-n'-pans sets, and, true, you've got a bunch of gold jewelry that would make my girlfriend look like a mafia bride... but do you have a red mixing bowl with a pouring spout? Do you have a stove-top percolator that's not electric and not priced somewhere in the "weapons-grade plutonium" rage?

Don't worry, I'll answer for you: No. No you do not. You've got, as far as I'm concerned, fuck all when it comes to what I'm after. And that makes you a bunch of bastards.

Here's what else you've got, since we're on the subject...

-Lots of people who shouldn't be allowed in public with out a handler and/or a surgical mask so they'll stop breathing on my neck.

-A staff that's very unhelpful. I asked a girl to help me find one of the aforementioned products and she gave me a look that said, "If there weren't cameras here, I'd stab you in the eye with one of my ghetto nails and then you'd die from glitter poisoning." Seriously, who puts glitter on their fingernails. And I'm not talking like nail polish that's got a little bit of glitter mixed into it so it looks all shiny and happy. We're talking big wads of glitter, so it looks like a pre-K art project done by the slow student who knows well the taste of Elmer's glue.

-Escalators that don't work. I'm fat, cranky, and I don't like walking up stairs that are supposed to be moving my lard-butt around. It makes me crankier and, oddly enough, fatter. Go figure.

-A complete disregard for my needs. We covered that already, but I'm still very angry about it. Well, not "angry" so much as "mildly put-out." And not even that, really, because it happened like three hours ago and I'm kinda over it. Honestly, I was just looking for an excuse to draw a crude middle finger on a picture of a billion-dollar retail outlet.

-MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!