The Glass Is Half...Deadly
NOTE: Though it's all true, this post exists almost exclusively because the above title has had me chuckling to myself like an asshole since about seven o'clock this morning.
So, last night, during the course of our post-dinner kitchen clean-up duties, a rocks glass fell from our dish drainer to the kitchen floor. And it went... B-O-O-M!!! Like, it was the kind of glass-splosion that speaks to a deep, critical manufacturing flaw. Scary. The glass, before it leaped to it's death, looked a lot like this:
And here's a fairly accurate depiction of our kitchen floor immediately afterwards:
Seriously... in all my 27 years of being a clumsy dude, of working in restaurants where dishware breaks at an alarming rate, of being so handsome that mirrors shatter when I gaze into them for too long (it's not because I'm ugly, it's not!!!), I have never seen a glass break in such a horrifyingly spectacular fashion. The only thing that comes close is the time that I tripped on a woman's coat while carrying a tray full of wine glasses and the entire smoking section had to be shut down because everyone was covered in shards and Merlot. But last night... that was worse because, well, frankly we're talking about my kitchen here, which is much more important than a grotty smoking section in an Outback in Arlington, TX. I mean, my kitchen is a place where I'm frequently barefoot and where I really don't feel like reenacting the "Shoot the glass" scene from Die Hard every time I want some orange juice. And, yes, I know I could just put on some shoes. So not the point.
Not to mention the fact that we have a cat who, last time I checked, has four feet that are on the ground like all the time. He's got twice as many problems when it comes to glass splinters and he never did nothing to nobody (well, the mice community might say otherwise, but they don't count).
Anyway, I've very distressed about this, as you can tell, and I'd really appreciate your love and support in this, my time of need. Or whatever. Broken glass sucks balls.
More later.
So, last night, during the course of our post-dinner kitchen clean-up duties, a rocks glass fell from our dish drainer to the kitchen floor. And it went... B-O-O-M!!! Like, it was the kind of glass-splosion that speaks to a deep, critical manufacturing flaw. Scary. The glass, before it leaped to it's death, looked a lot like this:
And here's a fairly accurate depiction of our kitchen floor immediately afterwards:
Seriously... in all my 27 years of being a clumsy dude, of working in restaurants where dishware breaks at an alarming rate, of being so handsome that mirrors shatter when I gaze into them for too long (it's not because I'm ugly, it's not!!!), I have never seen a glass break in such a horrifyingly spectacular fashion. The only thing that comes close is the time that I tripped on a woman's coat while carrying a tray full of wine glasses and the entire smoking section had to be shut down because everyone was covered in shards and Merlot. But last night... that was worse because, well, frankly we're talking about my kitchen here, which is much more important than a grotty smoking section in an Outback in Arlington, TX. I mean, my kitchen is a place where I'm frequently barefoot and where I really don't feel like reenacting the "Shoot the glass" scene from Die Hard every time I want some orange juice. And, yes, I know I could just put on some shoes. So not the point.
Not to mention the fact that we have a cat who, last time I checked, has four feet that are on the ground like all the time. He's got twice as many problems when it comes to glass splinters and he never did nothing to nobody (well, the mice community might say otherwise, but they don't count).
Anyway, I've very distressed about this, as you can tell, and I'd really appreciate your love and support in this, my time of need. Or whatever. Broken glass sucks balls.
More later.
posted by Clinton at 11:01 PM
7 Comments:
schieß auf das fenster!!
Nine million terrorists in the world and I gotta kill the one with feet smaller than my sister.
Now I have a machine gun.
HO... HO... HO
i brokeded a glass the other day too. luckily it was one nobody cared about, so i should've just smashed it sooner.
Clint - did you at least finish whatever beverage (whiskey I'm guessing) was in the glass before it fell?
I just watched Die Hard! Ah, I love Christmas movies...
You guys are clumsy assholes.
I'm sueing you for $15 mil in damages and emotional distress. Or a can of liver and chunks and a new mouse toy.
Fuckers.
Post a Comment
<< Home