Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Cheap Beer Is Hilarious: A Pictorial

NOTE: This is a companion piece to my previous post regarding the hilarity of cheap booze. It should also be noted that I have not tried any of these myself (save for one), so any comments on the taste of said beers will be merely conjecture. Although I think it's safe to say that they all mostly taste like butt crack.

Bud Light & Clamato Juice

Finally! Ha ha... no, seriously, you know how when you see someone puke, your throat starts to convulse and you suddenly get the urge to puke yourself, especially if you catch a whiff of the other guy's spew? Well Budweiser took that feeling and made it into a drink. With clam juice, which is really the problem here. I've had a Bloody Beer before (it's exactly what it sounds like), and they're just fine if you like that sort of thing, but when you add seafood drippings into the mix... I don't know, man. That just sounds like an all-expensive-paid vacation to Diarrheaville, with stop-overs in the Bright Red Vomit Islands and a nine-hour layover in Pleasekillmeistan.

Burger Beer

Now, sure, my brain knows there's no way that this could actually be a beer that tastes like a cheeseburger. That's crazy talk. But my heart... well, my heart is a foolish organ; it really wants to believe that somewhere, some crazy fool has made a beer that's got flame-grilled tasting notes, with a juicy, meaty finish, and maybe just a hint of mustard and pickles. My heart dares to dream of such a gorgeous reality; maybe one day, one magical day, it will come true. God, I'm crying now... damn it... it's just too beautiful...

Lucky Beer

Nope, not buying it. Anything that so boldly proclaims to be lucky is obviously a lie. Buying this beer for it's luck-giving properties would be like buying X-ray specs out of the back of a comic book because you really believe it will help you look at ladies boobies in public. Nothing but heartache, sorrow, and whatever would be the beer-related equivalent of having a woman tell you to stop staring at her breasts are all that await you with this stuff, and we know that's got to be true. Do the makers of Lucky Beer think we're idiots??? I mean, at the very least, they could have floated a rabbit's foot in there or something. Though I guess some people might find that to be a bit of a turn-off. Whatever, the Lucky Beer brewers are assholes.

Lone Star Beer

Wooo!!! Texas!!! WOOOO!!! This here is what we call "training wheels" for all the would-be alcoholics in my home state who are looking for a place to get their start. It's actually not that bad as far as beers go; it's certainly better than Coors (which tastes like hobo pee). My favorite part is, on the bottom of the can, where it says "Pure. Texan. Beer." As if people would think that a beer called "Lone Star" would come from Michigan, say, or Hawaii. But that's Texas for you... we're in-your-face when it comes to expressions of state loyalty. Which is why I got the ass tattoo.

7-11 Beer

Looking at this picture gives me skank-chills. There's just no way that this was any good, which I guess is probably why they stopped making it (it was last sold back in the late 70's, early 80's, apparently). Think about this for a second, though... this is a generic-brand beer, made specifically for a store that was, at the time, not exactly known for it's quality of products. Going out to one of the gas pumps and drinking straight from the nozzle would probably have been a much more satisfying experience, at least taste-wise. I'm pretty sure the only people who ever bought 7-11 Beer were deadbeat dads, heroin addicts looking for something to wash the taste of junk out of their mouths, and... uh... me, had I been alive when it was on the market. What can I say, I love a bargain.


Blogger Sally Tomato said...

They have "Clamato y Cerveza" billboards all over Los Angeles. The first time I saw that I nearly puked. Same with my brother, and he LOVES Clamato. Blech!

11:35 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Agreed. It must be a Hispanic thing. That's weird, though, because ususally the drinks that come from that culture are awesome (margaritas, sangria, Squirt and tequila).

11:49 AM  
Blogger Cray said...

Nobody ever mentions Skittlebrau anymore.

11:55 AM  
Blogger Mr. Shain said...

we love to make "mixed drinks" with beer in socal. we're just classy and fancy like that.

12:14 PM  
Blogger Ruth Ann & Patrick said...

Yay Lone Star!! That's our cheap beer of choice. The best thing about it are the puzzle caps. Love going to Alamo Drafthouse, getting a bucket of Lone Star and passing around the caps before the movie starts. They even have a decoder on their website.

However, Lone Star in a can is very boring.

12:17 PM  
Blogger Jeff said...

Just looking at that rusty can of Burger Beer is making me thirsty and hungry. Where do I get one?

12:43 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Budweiser took that feeling and made it into a drink

They did a very good job of it. The picture alone made me throw up a little bit in my mouth.

1:36 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Cray... No such beer exists, Mr. Simpson.

Shain... Beer-tini? Beer-garita? Beer-Jack & Coke? Bottle of wine with some beer dumped into it?

Ruth Ann... Dude, you're making me homesick for the Drafthouse. As cool as NYC is, we don't have anything anywhere *close* to it's awesomeness. Have you been to the new location?

Jeff... Judging by the look of the can, I'd say about 1974.

Todd... Then Budweiser's work is done!

1:47 PM  
Blogger Ruth Ann & Patrick said...

Haven't been to the new one yet, but can't wait to go! Heard it's great though!

I've heard rumors of Alamo going nationwide, hopefully that's true for your case!

3:50 PM  
Blogger DrunkBrunch said...

Since you're discussing food in your beer, how about some meat in your wine?

(Ali drank it. Of course.)

4:06 PM  
Blogger Hex said...

Bud Light and Clamato?

There's No way Burt Reynolds would drive a Trans-am across the country to deliver that.

4:11 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Ruth Ann... I've heard the rumors too, but I don't know if it would be as cool if it got big like that. We'll see if it actually happens, I guess.

Drunkbrunch... Yeah, I totally do that. But then again, I'm a daredevil when it comes to meat and liquor.

Hex... He's just too damn manly to put up with that shit, agreed.

4:52 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Bloody beers used to work as a hangover cure.

I could drink those to get my stomach ready for the 'hair of the dog' that followed once I no longer felt nauseated.

5:01 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Indeed, sir. I like mine xxx-tra spicy. Also, if you're looking for something a little different, try mixing beer with OJ. Much tastier than you'd think.

10:23 AM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Yah, the Spicy V8 works best.

Beer and OJ eh?

I'll try it.

2:09 PM  
Blogger DrunkBrunch said...

Manmosa (made popular by a blogger friend who also bartended):

3 parts beer (Blue Moon or Hefeweizen work best)

1 part OJ

= breakfast!

8:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been buying some beer but I Think that these beer are great, I liked a lot lucky beer, I would like to go to a party with burger beer ,buyviagra, food, pizza. hamburgers and friends.

1:03 PM  

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