Cheap Beer Is Hilarious: A Pictorial

NOTE: This is a companion piece to my previous post regarding the hilarity of cheap booze. It should also be noted that I have not tried any of these myself (save for one), so any comments on the taste of said beers will be merely conjecture. Although I think it's safe to say that they all mostly taste like butt crack.

Bud Light & Clamato Juice



Finally! Ha ha... no, seriously, you know how when you see someone puke, your throat starts to convulse and you suddenly get the urge to puke yourself, especially if you catch a whiff of the other guy's spew? Well Budweiser took that feeling and made it into a drink. With clam juice, which is really the problem here. I've had a Bloody Beer before (it's exactly what it sounds like), and they're just fine if you like that sort of thing, but when you add seafood drippings into the mix... I don't know, man. That just sounds like an all-expensive-paid vacation to Diarrheaville, with stop-overs in the Bright Red Vomit Islands and a nine-hour layover in Pleasekillmeistan.

Burger Beer



Now, sure, my brain knows there's no way that this could actually be a beer that tastes like a cheeseburger. That's crazy talk. But my heart... well, my heart is a foolish organ; it really wants to believe that somewhere, some crazy fool has made a beer that's got flame-grilled tasting notes, with a juicy, meaty finish, and maybe just a hint of mustard and pickles. My heart dares to dream of such a gorgeous reality; maybe one day, one magical day, it will come true. God, I'm crying now... damn it... it's just too beautiful...

Lucky Beer



Nope, not buying it. Anything that so boldly proclaims to be lucky is obviously a lie. Buying this beer for it's luck-giving properties would be like buying X-ray specs out of the back of a comic book because you really believe it will help you look at ladies boobies in public. Nothing but heartache, sorrow, and whatever would be the beer-related equivalent of having a woman tell you to stop staring at her breasts are all that await you with this stuff, and we know that's got to be true. Do the makers of Lucky Beer think we're idiots??? I mean, at the very least, they could have floated a rabbit's foot in there or something. Though I guess some people might find that to be a bit of a turn-off. Whatever, the Lucky Beer brewers are assholes.

Lone Star Beer



Wooo!!! Texas!!! WOOOO!!! This here is what we call "training wheels" for all the would-be alcoholics in my home state who are looking for a place to get their start. It's actually not that bad as far as beers go; it's certainly better than Coors (which tastes like hobo pee). My favorite part is, on the bottom of the can, where it says "Pure. Texan. Beer." As if people would think that a beer called "Lone Star" would come from Michigan, say, or Hawaii. But that's Texas for you... we're in-your-face when it comes to expressions of state loyalty. Which is why I got the ass tattoo.

7-11 Beer

Looking at this picture gives me skank-chills. There's just no way that this was any good, which I guess is probably why they stopped making it (it was last sold back in the late 70's, early 80's, apparently). Think about this for a second, though... this is a generic-brand beer, made specifically for a store that was, at the time, not exactly known for it's quality of products. Going out to one of the gas pumps and drinking straight from the nozzle would probably have been a much more satisfying experience, at least taste-wise. I'm pretty sure the only people who ever bought 7-11 Beer were deadbeat dads, heroin addicts looking for something to wash the taste of junk out of their mouths, and... uh... me, had I been alive when it was on the market. What can I say, I love a bargain.