Tuesday, December 04, 2007

What's Wrong With Me?

-I can't accept the fact that it isn't, nor will it ever be, "opposite day."

-Thumbs the size of French baguettes.

-I'm too cool for school. Also, my SAT scores are unacceptably low.

-Nothing the love of a good woman won't fix. Or, barring that, a gift certificate to whatever liquor store is closest to my apartment.

-People's toes gross me out; this wouldn't be a problem, except for my enormous foot fetish.

-Gout.

-I'm haunted by the demons of my past. Also, by the ghost of John Wilkes Boothe. He's not a very nice man.

-There's not enough deodorant in the world to cover up the smell of my holiday ham-sweats.

-It's kind of a long story and, to be honest, it's not one that I really feel like relating in it's entirety here. But the gist of it is this: During the party at the home of a mutual friend, I accidentally... accidentally... punched Jesus in the face. See, there was this apple-bobbing contest that sort of went awry... doesn't matter...look, guys, he's really mad at me and he's been making all these veiled threats about how he, " should probably just blow this fuckin' planet up if everyone on it is an asshole like you, C-dog." So, like, if Armageddon happens sometime soon, it's probably totally my fault. My bad; this one's all on me.

-Brain farts. Literally.

7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

This made my morning; thanks for the laugh!

11:01 AM  
Blogger Jeff said...

"holiday ham-sweats"?! Gross!

12:11 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Anonymous... Hey, no problem! That's what I'm shootin' for, after all.

Jeff... Gross? Or delicious? Okay, yeah, it's gross.

12:31 PM  
Blogger Cray said...

i've gotten the generic meat-sweats before, but never a specific type of meat. Bravo!

1:38 PM  
Blogger Cray said...

Also.....confident dessert guy never stops being funny.

1:40 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

accidentally... punched Jesus in the face

See Clinton, these are the lines that make me laugh out loud at work thus getting me in trouble for reading "zombie websites". But it's totally worth it.

1:40 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Cray... Then you're clearly not eating enough ham. Also, yeah, Confident Dessert guy is the best. He was originally a fixture on my boy Buzz's Camp Blood site. Sadly, though, Camp Blood has gone dark, so I thought I'd give ol' CDG a good home.

Todd... I'm imagining you being scolded by a stern medical professional-type for looking at "zombie websites" and it's cracking me up!

2:22 PM  

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