I Have Seen A Large, Three-Dimensional Representation Of An Epic Poem...

...and so should you.

Unless, of course, you don't like things that are large and in three dimensions. If that's the case, then you'd probably be better off giving Beowulf a wide berth. Although, keep this in mind: If you don't like things that are large and in three dimensions, you're basically saying that you don't like buildings, or trees, or national monuments, or James Gandolfini. And not liking those things will only lead to you being ostracized by your friends and family, particularly where James Gandolfini is concerned. I understand he's quite popular.

Anyway, Beowulf... yes, it is an awesome experience. That's the key word, actually; "experience." It's the the overall largeness of the IMAX screen and the inherent wow-factor of the 3D technology that really makes this worth seeing. Which is not to say that Beowulf is a bad movie; not at all. It's merely good. But when it's slathered in state-of-the-art doodads and whatsits... Okay, you know how in The Breakfast Club, Ally Sheedy's character was a cute-as-a-button, prototype for the Goth Girl subculture? And do you remember how she looked at the end, after Molly Ringwald made her over? Remember what happened next...? What I'm trying to say is that Beowulf is just fine on it's own, but when it is tarted up with the IMAX and the 3D... well then... it's suddenly much more appealing to Emilio Estevez.

NOTE: "Emilio Estevez," in the above analogy, represents "we, the people of Earth." Just so we're clear. I'd also like to point out that this is the first time in the history of pop-cultural analogies that Emilio Estevez has ever represented anything other than Emilio Estevez and if someone would like to create a plaque in their metalworking shop to commemorate said event, that would be just peachy.

Frankly, I can't imagine seeing this movie not in 3D. The IMAX thing you can take or leave and it won't make that much of a difference; modern movie screens are pretty big in their own right, after all, and as I've been told over and over again by various women, it's not the size that matters but the fact that I finally stopped crying because the neighbors were threatening to call the police. But, yeah, the 3D... seriously, kids... amazing. I've seen 3D movies before (Friday the 13th, Part 3, Nightmare on Elm Street, Part 6, Comin' At Ya!, that thing at Disney with Michael Jackson that he made before he completely lost the plot and started looking like a melted white woman), but this was quite simply on an entirely different level. Let me put it to you this way: I now know what the sensation feels like to have it appear that Grendel is going to put his head in my lap. And it feels pretty wicked, gotta say.

Oh, speaking of Grendel, he was totally my favorite character. Played, via the magic of motion-capture animation, by perennial weirdo Crispen Glover, the makers of Beowulf have made Grendel less of a scary monster and more of a scary, retarded man-child, like if Lenny from Of Mice and Men were twenty feet tall and pissed off. Which works, surprisingly. I'd kill to see some behind-the-scenes footage of Glover acting out this part, because I bet it's the freakiest thing since that time he tried to kick Letterman in the head while tripping on acid.

And... yeah, I guess that's all I've got to say about Beowulf. Go see it; it kicks ass. But again, and not to belabor the point, but seriously only see it if you can see it in 3D. You won't regret it, and that's a ZFS! guarantee!!!*


*Not a guarantee.