Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Sandwiches I've Never Eaten

The Chip Butty

Country of Origin: The U.K.

What's The What: A load of french fries jammed between two slices of buttered bread

Thoughts: Although this seems on paper like a good idea, honestly, I don't think it's something that ZFS! can fully support. I mean, sure, buttered bread is good and, of course, french fries are near and dear to the clogged, greasy chambers of my heart, but... I don't know. It just seems, for lack of a better word, a little bland. Maybe if you were to throw a hamburger patty on there, or perhaps a shot of Ranch dressing, you'd have something worthy of a fat guy's approval. But until then, the Chip Butty is a lot like the career of it's fellow-British import, The Stone Roses; lots of early promise, but a quick fade into nothingness.

The Dagwood

Country of Origin: The good ol' U.S. of A.

What's the What: Tons of various meats, vegetables, cheeses, and condiments piled high upon many, many slices of bread.

Thoughts: Wow. I think being served a sandwich like this would illicit from me the same reactions that 70's porn starlets had when faced with the prospect of making a movie with John Holmes. It's just so big!!! Not that I couldn't handle it, of course; I'm a pro. Still, it's undeniably daunting. And it would require some strategy; obviously, unless you've got some anaconda in your blood-line, you wouldn't be able to fit your mouth around this monster. You'd have to attack it "harmonica-style," which, personally, I feel is never as satisfying. And, yes, you could just take it apart and eat it as individual sandwiches, but this destroys both the idea behind the Dagwood, as well as my extended sandwich-is-penis analogy.

The Francesinha

Country of Origin: Portugal

What's the What: Two slices of white bread, stuffed with wet-cured ham (whatever that is), topped with melted cheese and then drowned in a traditional tomato/beer sauce.

Thoughts: I believe we now know where the phrase "hot mess" came from. Okay, truthfully, I bet this tastes just spectacular. After all, it's basically just a cooked ham and cheese sandwich with some sort of funky gravy on it, and that doesn't sound like something you could really screw up. However... well... just look at the thing; rarely has a sandwich looked so much like something that was pulled out of a septic tank. Plus, I know me; I can barely eat a regular sandwich without getting it all over myself, much less one that appears to be messier than the early days of the Exxon Valdez eco-disaster. What I'm saying is this: I'd like to try the Francesinha, but I'd have to eat it naked, in a room that's been covered by many tarps, and there would really need to be a shower nearby so I could sluice off the effluvium when I'm done.

The Choripan

Country of Origin: Various; pictured is the Argentinian style

What's the What: Some sort of crusty peasant bread stuffed with grilled chorizo, tomatoes, and chimmichuri sauce.

Thoughts: There is nothing wrong with this sandwich. Nothing. I could eat one of these sandwiches every day for the rest of my life and die (early, and after a long meat-induced coma) a happy, happy man. And it's side dish? No fries for this magnificent bastard; nope, it's just a fried fucking egg! How brilliant is that? I want a fried egg served on the side of every dish I eat from now on, including sushi, ice cream, and scrambled eggs. Goddamn, the Choripan's got me excited! I've got to get my ass to Argentina, but quick. They'll call me El Americano Gordo Loco and soon I will be their king!!!

The Sandwich Loaf

Country of Origin: Sadly, The good ol' U.S. of A.
What's the What: You take a loaf of bread and cut it length-wise into slices. You then put a thick smear of egg salad, or tuna salad, or ham salad between each slice of bread, stacking them one on top of the other. Finally, you "frost" your sandwich loaf with festive, color-tinted cream cheese that's been whipped into a spreadable consistency.
Thoughts: Seriously, what the fuck was in the drinking water back in the 50's? This, of course, would be the complete opposite of the Choripan; everything is wrong with this sandwich. For starters, it's less of a sandwich and more of a cake. A cake! A cake that potentially has egg salad in it!!! And that's not even the most disturbing part; no, the mid-century housewives thought it would be a good idea to take the cake theme one step further and frost the fucking thing with cream cheese! The mind boggles, truly. Seeing the Sandwich Loaf in all it's glory goes a long way to helping me understand why there were so many alcoholic businessmen back in the day; if this abomination was waiting on the dinner table for me when I got home, I'd drink too. And then have my wife committed to a sanitarium, because clearly the bitch be crazy. "Doctor, she frosted my sandwich!" "It's okay now, Mr. Davis; we have a pill that can fix that. Would you like a cigarette to calm your nerves?"


Blogger Ross said...

I'm not a fan of sandwiches. I'd rather eat the individual components than to take a bit of all of them at once. Of course, I'm also the nerdy guy who likes partitioned lunch trays as well.

Food touching...ew.

9:26 AM  
Anonymous Giggleloop said...

That Dagwood calls for some butcher's string so you can tie it around it height-wise and pull the strings tight to squish it down to eatable size, Scooby Doo style.

9:49 AM  
Blogger stew said...

it's second-grade joke time!

Q: Why won't you starve to death in the desert?

A: because of all the sand which is there!

See? "Sand which is there" = "sandwiches there."

It's a play on words! Ok, no, stop eating the sand. Seriously. STOP.

10:25 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Ross... That's funny, I used to be the same way about "food touching," although to be honest it never extended as far as not liking sandwiches. I guess my feelings on the subject went away, though, because now I'm totally whatever about it.

Giggleloop... That is definitely one way to do it. I'm also considering jumping on it from above with my mouth open and hoping for some sort of cramming effect to happen. I might die, but I'd at least go out doing what I love.

Stew... But sand is delicious!

11:34 AM  
Blogger stew said...

I like all my food to touch. Inappropriately. It should all mash itself together in a big pile of food. Mingled. Indistinguishable from itself. Completely mixed.

Are you barfing yet?

12:46 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

That Dagwood just gave me wood. It looks sexy.

1:20 PM  
Anonymous jillian said...

That egg salad cakewich is a crime against nature and humanity. I liken it to the ill-begotten meat trifle of Friends fame. Fucking yuck, man.

1:42 PM  
Blogger Ross said...

Stew...I had a little gag.

It all goes back to a bad childhood experience with au gratin potatoes and jello. Let's just say, it wasn't pretty.

2:18 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Stew... You're mean! Also, do you have enough to share?

Todd... Agreed. If ever a sanchwich was an object of erotic lust, it's this one.

Jillian... Word to that; no good can come from the Sandwich Loaf.

2:19 PM  
Blogger blythe said...

i'd take a monte cristo over any of those any day. origin? probably TGIF or some bullshit, but damn, deepfried ham and cheese sandwich? yes please.

3:31 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

You know, I actually don't care for the Monte Cristo, though it totally sounds like something I'd like. I've ordered it before and eaten like half of it, and then... meh. I think it's probably because I don't like French Toast and these sorts of sandwiches remind me of that.

4:01 PM  
Anonymous stew said...

there's an awesome restaurant in nashville that serves their fried-up monte cristo with a delicious little sidecar of warm, booze-inflected raspberry jam.

I just want to marry the fuck out of that sandwich, if it'll have me.

4:02 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

I love putting fries on cheeseburgers.



That was the sound of an artery bursting.

5:30 PM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

Oh wow, I haven't thought about Chip Buttys in years!!! YUM!

5:58 PM  
Anonymous stew said...

You know why I will never kill myself? Because I am deeply afraid that if I do, someone will serve that disgusto frosted loaf at my funeral.

I plan to get very, very, very old and outlive every single retro freakazoid who remembers that culinary bastardization that is SO NOT WHAT A SANDWICH IS ABOUT. I will live till a time when food is FOOD. And THEN I will kill myself.

6:04 PM  
Blogger DrunkBrunch said...

I freakin' love sandwiches.

When I lived in Central Harlem, there was a bodega that made the BEST heroes. They only cost $3.00 AND came with a free soda AND they were stuffed with about 3'' of meat.

Do you know hard it is to moan and eat a huge sandwich at the same time? Heaven. I miss that place so much.

6:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My left arm is all tingly thinking about the Monte Cristo. If there was some way to wrap it with bacon, my heart might actually explode.

12:02 AM  
Blogger Quin said...

i had a chip butty.


carbs on carbs with some 'brown sauce' thrown on it.

i was drunk, it worked.

2:52 PM  
Blogger FitnessNerd said...

I have one to add. I was reading the review of a new sports bar in downtown Indianapolis, and they have a bacon cheeseburger served on a glazed donut.

I'm not sure what else to add there other than a collective "EWW!" However the reviewer said that the picky eater who ordered it love it.

1:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I use to take generic viagra and when I use it I get an terrible hunger for that reason I think I can eat three or four of those sandwiches.

12:53 PM  

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