Monday, November 19, 2007

The New England Patriots Will Destroy You

NOTE: After last night's 56-10 thrill-killing of the Buffalo Bills, which was preceded in weeks past by nine games of equally dominating professional football, it's now clear to everyone that the New England Patriots are playing on an entirely different level than any other team in the NFL. The question now is, of course, why? Why are they this good? How have they gotten so dominating? Just what the fuck is going on in Massachusetts these days? Well, after conducting some extensive research that we here at ZFS! assure you is not made up, I believe that we've got some answers. Look now, to our reporter's findings...

(Again, these are all true)


How The New England Patriots Will Eventually Take Over The World, or, "Tom Brady, Warrior King"

-Red Bull in the Gillette Stadium water supply.

-Extra practice, a strong work ethic, and a pact with Satan that's been signed in the blood of a virgin child. Also, more strength training.

-You know that one team-building exercise where you have to fall back and trust that your fellow team members will catch you? Yeah, the Patriots do that all the time. And then they laugh and hug and tell each other secrets.

-Half of the offensive line are actually shaved apes. No one is sure which ones, though, because they all love bananas.

-Watching Tom Brady descend from the heavens every day before practice is an awe-inspiring sight that has really bonded the team together as an individual unit.

-Before every game, the Patriots send the other team a copy of The Departed with a note attached that says, "Don't forget, we're from Boston too." It's hard to concentrate on your play-calling when you're terrified that Jack Nicholson will have you whacked.

-At the start of the season, Coach Bill Belichick set the mood early by killing a cancer-riddled hobo with his bare hands in front of everybody. He hasn't spoken a word to his team since, but the team understands his meaning. Parenthetically, it's said that when the Patriots go to sleep at night, all they dream about is Belichick's cold, dead eyes.

-The Patriots have Randy Moss, so...


Blogger Nicole said...

You know how there was always that kid on your rival team in your 8-10 year old baseball league who was HUGE and had a mustache and totally looked 16 and kicked your ass every week? But the rival team would SWEAR that the kid was 8? That kid grew up to be a Patriot.

10:23 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

When I played football in junior high, there was this one kid at this school we played that was literally 6'5" and built like a brick shithouse. Of course it was my job to block him. I'm pretty sure you can still see his cleat marks on my face if you squint.

11:34 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

When I played football in junior high, there was this one kid at this school we played that was literally 6'5" and built like a brick shithouse.

Bill Brasky?

11:57 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Yeah. Also, Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!

12:04 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Tom Brady reminds me someone who might tell other people my secrets.

Re Bill Brasky: "He breastfeeds John Madden!"

2:38 PM  

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