Thanksgiving Tips And Tricks

NOTE: After watching the Home & Garden Network for 24-hours straight and taking all of it's lessons to heart, I have become the premier blogging authority on how to have the best Thanksgiving ever in the history of holidays built around the eventual genocide of an indigenous people. Because I love all of you so much (especially when I've been drinking), I'm now going to share my tips and tricks with you. Jesus, do you know how fucking lucky you are???

Thanksgiving Tips And Tricks

-Carve the turkey while wearing nothing but a kicky, festive Pilgrim hat. What you lose in sanitation, you'll more than make up in holiday spirit. Be warned, however: Stray pubes will kill the mood faster than you can possibly imagine. Your motto should be, "Shave before you carve!"

-On Thanksgiving morning, wake up early and replace every single family member's prescription medication with Tic-Tacs. By the time the food's ready, everyone should be climbing the walls and/or crying in a heap under the dining room table. Be prepared to laugh your ass off!

-Take one pumpkin pie, one bottle of tequila, and a few shots of Everclear and throw it all in a blender that's been set to the highest speed it can maintain without the motor exploding. The resulting drink is called "The Mayflower Surprise" and it will get you so drunk, you'll attempt to cross the Atlantic Ocean in an effort to flee religious persecution.

-Three words: Cranberry Sauce Wrestling

-When the relatives start to arrive, be sure to make them feel welcome in your home by giving each and every one a long, soulful kiss (with tongue). It wouldn't hurt to offer hot-oil rubdowns, either, but only if you've got the supplies on hand. And make sure those fingers are limber!

-For a bonding experience that everyone can enjoy, kill your own turkey together as a family. Your heart will throb with what you can assume is love as you watch ol' Grandpa Joe kneel down and drag a sharpened hunting knife across the bird's throat while the cousins pin it's twitching body to the ground. Let Mom handle the gutting, as that's the kind of work a woman can really tackle with aplomb! After the arterial spray is wiped off, make sure to instigate a big group hug (or if your family is a bunch of pussies, a group cry). Guaranteed, the memories will last a lifetime. Much like scars.

-Above all else, though, just make sure that you get the chance to talk with your family. Let them know how you feel, and listen to their feelings in return. If they're reticent to speak freely due to pending litigation against you, don't be afraid to make them talk. Use force if necessary. Watch the movie Hostel for ideas on how to best get the information you want to hear. And remember to always say, "I love you." But make sure you say it before they pass out from the pain!