Saturday, November 24, 2007

Post-Turkey Day Hodgepodge

NOTE: The author recognizes that no one really cares about his Thanksgiving vacation, especially since nothing of much interest actually happened. He promises to try to keep this brief so we can all get on with our lives. He also promises to cool it with the whole "talking in the 3rd person" thing, as he realizes that it makes his readers want to hit him about the face and neck with a sock full of yams. He's sorry and he's working on it.

Girlfriend and I spent our Thanksgiving holiday in a ritzy suburb of Scranton, PA. All things considered, it was a nice time, although I did get arrested for trying to break into a building that looked a lot like Dunder-Mifflin. My actions are due to my inability to separate fact from fiction and I've been told by my state-appointed counselor that these new pills I'm taking should help correct that. Also, I'm Batman. Oh, but seriously folks... Girlfriend has got some relatives out there, and they were happy to have we interlopers hang around for a couple of days. It was very homey and quaint and I drank a lot of wine.

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Our Greyhound Bus experience wasn't bad at all, much to my surprise. Port Authority is never a place that you're going to want to hang around in for long (you're as likely to catch the clap there as not) but otherwise, none to shabby. No delays, no traffic, we weren't forced to fight any of our fellow travellers on the side of the road, Mad Max-style... A success, in other words. Take that, holiday travel disasters! You can't keep C-dog down!

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I didn't gorge myself this Thanksgiving like I usually do. It probably had a lot to do with me being at someone else's house, as opposed to my own or at the house of a relative who's seen me eat before and thus is able to psychologically cope with the inherent horror. Don't get me wrong, I did as much damage to the spread as anyone else... I just didn't, say, start doing gravy shots or dive head-first into the pumpkin pie. Nor did I attempt to use a paring knife to remove all the turkey's skin in one long, delicious strip, like how an old Grandfather would peel an apple. I was the very model of restraint, a fact for which I'm sure Girlfriend's family is thankful. They can take a trip to Europe on the money they've saved on the cleaning bills!

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How 'bout them Cowboys?

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We slept on an air mattress in the basement rec-room. There's no other way to put this; it sucked balls. Of course, this is, not the fault of our hosts. No, it has more to do with the physics of air displacement that happen when a fat guy lays down on an inflated bag made of space-age plastics. Needless to say, it was like sleeping with my midsection in a foxhole and it was unpleasant. Not helping matters: Every time someone walked through the kitchen, their footfalls would echo around our room (directly below) and give the whole basement a creepy, haunted-house feel. Oh, and when anyone flushed a toilet, it sounded like we were about to get hit by a tidal wave. All in all, there was nothing that aided sleep and everything that didn't.

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After dinner, we watched The Polar Express. Not a good movie, though it was nice to hang out and eat leftovers with a bunch of people who treated me like family, especially since my actual family was so far away.

6 Comments:

Blogger Todd said...

Ah man... I was just about to invite you over to sleep on my air mattress!

11:43 PM  
Anonymous David said...

Did you have any Pickles?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjxOt2u2BGM&feature=related

11:48 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Todd... No can do, my friend. I've slept (or, rather *not* slept) my last night on an air mattress. Until I lose a bunch of weight, of course. So... yeah, last night ever.

David... Heh, that clip is never not funny. There's one out there with a guy that's "terrified" of peaches, too. That's peaches the fruit, not Peaches, the Canadian electroclash singer.

7:23 AM  
Blogger Colleen said...

My old man (dad, not bf) is from Scranton! There's a good Coney Island Texas wiener joint downtown (if it's still there) you should check out next time.

12:19 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

OH. MY. GOD.

We totally saw that when we were driving through town and I totally made a sexual innuedo about it involving my "junk" and it's origins in Texas!!! Awesome, dude.

12:22 PM  
Anonymous highonmoxie said...

considering the fact that boy(friend)'s family tried to make me feel at home while i was away from my own family this year, i feel you...except it sounds like you had an awesome time. i spent my holiday trying to keep boy(friend) calm (he's very liberal and vocal, his family is not) and away from his sister (they haven't spoken in a WHILE, and i didn't want the first time to be with me in the room, trying to clean up carcasses).

yay holidays!

1:41 PM  

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